Maureen
Too selfish with my time?
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Guest
momurph,
I am so glad that you found what I said helpful, and thank you for your words of encouragement concerning my son:).
I'll be honest with you that I did not go the medical route concerning my chronic fatigue. I read the check lists that are available on line, and knew that I had it, knew why I had it, and that there wasn't much help available in the medical community. In fact, the years before I finally accepted that I had it, most therapists that I went to would act like it was purely psychological and basically told me that being busy was the answer, and this really ended up hurting me. One therapist who I do still like just messed up on me. My son had just been diagnosed, but had good eye contact, and she looked at him and thought he wasn't that bad. The sleep problems were just starting, and she was way too hard on me. I was an at home mom, but once my son went to school, she said she wanted me busy which included fifteen hours of graduate school in social work-(an extremely dysfunctional school by the way), and part-time work at the library. Fifteen hours of classes in graduate school ends up being more than full-time because of the study time involved, and then I had work on top of that. I remember just freaking out over it and telling her that I felt like I was about to come out of my skin, and she responded "We all are." I'm sorry, but I was the only student in that school who had a child with autism up screaming at night and beating on walls when I had to get up and take exams the next day. That's when I coined my familiar saying, "I feel like a specimen in a mad scientist's experiment." I felt like I was in medical school because of the stress, and the only way I could do it was because the therapist kept pushing me. Eventually, I got wise, and switched to library science school which required fewer hours of graduate school each semester, but I still did an assistantship with a terrible boss. I graduated with straight A's, but it wasn't worth it(for the social work part-one day I'll use the library science:)). My husband and I both look back at that, and see that it really did hurt me and hinder my healing from chronic fatigue and anxiety, especially the social work part that I did for almost two years. Anyway, when my job ended over a year ago, I didn't know what to do. I had been pushed that it was what was best for me, and I thought it was, but God has shown me differently, and I'm not saying that applies to everyone. God has shown me that dealing with my son's autism is a full time job. I do need to have hobbies and friends, and not only focus on autism, but taking care of my son is a full-time job even when I'm not with him when he's in school I carry an emotional burden because I'm responsible for his safety, path to healing, etc., and when I work and go to school, it's not really a break, but adds to my fatigue. Bosses get tired of hearing, "My son didn't sleep..." People don't get it. I know what going without sleep was like before my son's autism, and I know the difference of my son's autism causing the sleep deprivation. It's very different, and much more stressful.
So, I know I went off on a tangent, but having this break made me see that I really did have chronic fatigue, and studies have shown that other parents of children with autism have it too. I know you may feel "of no value" right now because of your situation, but it's not true. You have high value, and you need to heal and take are of yourself because you do have such high value:).
I guess my advice is-1. Acceptance. Accept that this is real. Accept that you are not lazy and your body is reacting this way because you were the opposite of lazy, and that you need time to heal, and that you are an adult who knows what's best for you. When you gain some energy back, you'll use it. I've seen that. My husband sees it now, and that helps a lot to have his validation because we with these conditions don't get the validation which is much of the battle. Since we're not going to get the validation, we have to give it to ourselves, and I've gotten it from God actually. So acceptance, and just loving yourself and knowing that you are more than your job helped me a lot. God does want us to rest when we are sick, I mean He really doesn't like it when we ignore our bodies. Pain is a messenger that we are ignoring something important. It's usually other people who have the problem with it, and the opposite of what God wants.
2. As far as adrenal fatigue, it doesn't matter whether you get a test for it. You have it. That's where conditions such as fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue come from so if you've been diagnosed with f.m. you know you have adrenal fatigue. It's not necessary to get a specific test. For adrenal fatigue, I followed the suggestions in the "Anxiety Cure". First of all, get lots of sleep at an appropriate time. That's how I know my sleeping habits aren't from depression, and that will help you. Get at least nine hours and you probably need more during the night time. Go to bed earlier to get the extra sleep instead of sleeping later during the morning. It's just more healthy sleep, and keeps your sleep from being "dysfunctional". Also, schedule a nap during the afternoon too. Follow a schedule, and that will really help. It'll provide you with some structure and order to your healing and just make you feel better. My son has been having sleep problems, and I at least tried to go to bed at 8:30 last night, and even though there were some distractions until he went to bed passed ten, I was so glad that when he woke up at 5:00 a.m. I was able to handle it better. I may have to get over watching my favorite shows passed 9 because I need the sleep.
Secondly, excercise:)-preferably outdoors because the sunlight is very healing, and so is nature. Take a walk with your dog. Do you have a dog? They are helpful for healing from many conditions, and I recommend rat terriers. Anyway, it's very healing to go for a walk at your own pace with a loving dog in the sunlight:). The fresh air is also healing. Your body needs oxygen. Make sure to expose your skin to fifteen minutes of sunlight without sunblock, and then put on the sunblock. This will boost your body's immune system. Also, if you exercise one day, and feel sore the next, skip a day for exercise. I've learned to do that, and the exercise is still beneficial. If I push my body too hard, it knows it, and it rules out the benefits from exercise, and you will find that with fibromyalgia. Go at your own pace, and slowly, slowly build up. You can also consider doing Yoga and Pilates. I have found that aerobic exercise is the most helpful for me. I have read that a long slow walk is the most beneficial for burning off excess adrenaline for adrenal fatigue. I just feel cleansed from aerobic exercise, but some people really love Yoga:). Slow is the name of the game though.
Thirdly, find healing, slow, and soothing activities to comfort yourself. Take soothing bubble baths with lavendar or rose oils or bubbles, etc because these scents are the most calming. Get a home spa for your tub if you desire that. I see you are drinking the tea, and that is good. Read books, slowly and at your own pace. Just sit there and watch the birds, and just be. It's not depression. Your body needs to learn to do nothing, and in the future you will be more in tune with your body when you are pushing it too far. Also, do the relaxation tape provided in this program or consider other relaxation tapes.
Fourth, definitely watch your nutrition. Get lots of vitamin C, and protein, and I'm sure your homeopath is helping you with that.
Finally, just give yourself time. That's the big deal. Use Dawn's fifteen minute technique for doing chores, and then let it go. You really will heal and take on more after you've healed. Also, look into reading the "Anxiety Cure" just because of its focus on the adrenal fatigue.
So, anyway, these things have helped me. My plate is less full. The therapist that pushed me ended up getting diabetes, and her husband passed away, and now she's a University police officer, and a single mother dating a man who has an older son with autism. I've talked with her sense because she really was just trying to help me, but now she has so much of a greater understanding of how my son's autism impacts my life. I don't ever want someone to tell me "You can't", but that doesn't mean that "I have to" either, you know? I can do it, but do I want to do that to myself. Right now, I want to function better at coping with my son's autism, and I want to have less anxiety:). When I went to school, etc., I was in too much pain with fatigue to enjoy any of my accomplishments so what was the point? You know when we have kids, we do have responsibilities. At the same time, they sense when our taking care of them doesn't come from a place of love and health. Our motivations do matter. Get healthy first, and everything else will fall into place. Hire help if you have the option too. I have some sitters for my son for after school eventhough I don't work. We're not rich, but we know that we have to have the help because it decreases our stress. My son just keeps growing, and he's so strong that I just can't handle him physically for too long.
So, I hope I didn't overwhelm you, and keep in touch and take care:).
God Bless You,
luvpiggy
I am so glad that you found what I said helpful, and thank you for your words of encouragement concerning my son:).
I'll be honest with you that I did not go the medical route concerning my chronic fatigue. I read the check lists that are available on line, and knew that I had it, knew why I had it, and that there wasn't much help available in the medical community. In fact, the years before I finally accepted that I had it, most therapists that I went to would act like it was purely psychological and basically told me that being busy was the answer, and this really ended up hurting me. One therapist who I do still like just messed up on me. My son had just been diagnosed, but had good eye contact, and she looked at him and thought he wasn't that bad. The sleep problems were just starting, and she was way too hard on me. I was an at home mom, but once my son went to school, she said she wanted me busy which included fifteen hours of graduate school in social work-(an extremely dysfunctional school by the way), and part-time work at the library. Fifteen hours of classes in graduate school ends up being more than full-time because of the study time involved, and then I had work on top of that. I remember just freaking out over it and telling her that I felt like I was about to come out of my skin, and she responded "We all are." I'm sorry, but I was the only student in that school who had a child with autism up screaming at night and beating on walls when I had to get up and take exams the next day. That's when I coined my familiar saying, "I feel like a specimen in a mad scientist's experiment." I felt like I was in medical school because of the stress, and the only way I could do it was because the therapist kept pushing me. Eventually, I got wise, and switched to library science school which required fewer hours of graduate school each semester, but I still did an assistantship with a terrible boss. I graduated with straight A's, but it wasn't worth it(for the social work part-one day I'll use the library science:)). My husband and I both look back at that, and see that it really did hurt me and hinder my healing from chronic fatigue and anxiety, especially the social work part that I did for almost two years. Anyway, when my job ended over a year ago, I didn't know what to do. I had been pushed that it was what was best for me, and I thought it was, but God has shown me differently, and I'm not saying that applies to everyone. God has shown me that dealing with my son's autism is a full time job. I do need to have hobbies and friends, and not only focus on autism, but taking care of my son is a full-time job even when I'm not with him when he's in school I carry an emotional burden because I'm responsible for his safety, path to healing, etc., and when I work and go to school, it's not really a break, but adds to my fatigue. Bosses get tired of hearing, "My son didn't sleep..." People don't get it. I know what going without sleep was like before my son's autism, and I know the difference of my son's autism causing the sleep deprivation. It's very different, and much more stressful.
So, I know I went off on a tangent, but having this break made me see that I really did have chronic fatigue, and studies have shown that other parents of children with autism have it too. I know you may feel "of no value" right now because of your situation, but it's not true. You have high value, and you need to heal and take are of yourself because you do have such high value:).
I guess my advice is-1. Acceptance. Accept that this is real. Accept that you are not lazy and your body is reacting this way because you were the opposite of lazy, and that you need time to heal, and that you are an adult who knows what's best for you. When you gain some energy back, you'll use it. I've seen that. My husband sees it now, and that helps a lot to have his validation because we with these conditions don't get the validation which is much of the battle. Since we're not going to get the validation, we have to give it to ourselves, and I've gotten it from God actually. So acceptance, and just loving yourself and knowing that you are more than your job helped me a lot. God does want us to rest when we are sick, I mean He really doesn't like it when we ignore our bodies. Pain is a messenger that we are ignoring something important. It's usually other people who have the problem with it, and the opposite of what God wants.
2. As far as adrenal fatigue, it doesn't matter whether you get a test for it. You have it. That's where conditions such as fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue come from so if you've been diagnosed with f.m. you know you have adrenal fatigue. It's not necessary to get a specific test. For adrenal fatigue, I followed the suggestions in the "Anxiety Cure". First of all, get lots of sleep at an appropriate time. That's how I know my sleeping habits aren't from depression, and that will help you. Get at least nine hours and you probably need more during the night time. Go to bed earlier to get the extra sleep instead of sleeping later during the morning. It's just more healthy sleep, and keeps your sleep from being "dysfunctional". Also, schedule a nap during the afternoon too. Follow a schedule, and that will really help. It'll provide you with some structure and order to your healing and just make you feel better. My son has been having sleep problems, and I at least tried to go to bed at 8:30 last night, and even though there were some distractions until he went to bed passed ten, I was so glad that when he woke up at 5:00 a.m. I was able to handle it better. I may have to get over watching my favorite shows passed 9 because I need the sleep.
Secondly, excercise:)-preferably outdoors because the sunlight is very healing, and so is nature. Take a walk with your dog. Do you have a dog? They are helpful for healing from many conditions, and I recommend rat terriers. Anyway, it's very healing to go for a walk at your own pace with a loving dog in the sunlight:). The fresh air is also healing. Your body needs oxygen. Make sure to expose your skin to fifteen minutes of sunlight without sunblock, and then put on the sunblock. This will boost your body's immune system. Also, if you exercise one day, and feel sore the next, skip a day for exercise. I've learned to do that, and the exercise is still beneficial. If I push my body too hard, it knows it, and it rules out the benefits from exercise, and you will find that with fibromyalgia. Go at your own pace, and slowly, slowly build up. You can also consider doing Yoga and Pilates. I have found that aerobic exercise is the most helpful for me. I have read that a long slow walk is the most beneficial for burning off excess adrenaline for adrenal fatigue. I just feel cleansed from aerobic exercise, but some people really love Yoga:). Slow is the name of the game though.
Thirdly, find healing, slow, and soothing activities to comfort yourself. Take soothing bubble baths with lavendar or rose oils or bubbles, etc because these scents are the most calming. Get a home spa for your tub if you desire that. I see you are drinking the tea, and that is good. Read books, slowly and at your own pace. Just sit there and watch the birds, and just be. It's not depression. Your body needs to learn to do nothing, and in the future you will be more in tune with your body when you are pushing it too far. Also, do the relaxation tape provided in this program or consider other relaxation tapes.
Fourth, definitely watch your nutrition. Get lots of vitamin C, and protein, and I'm sure your homeopath is helping you with that.
Finally, just give yourself time. That's the big deal. Use Dawn's fifteen minute technique for doing chores, and then let it go. You really will heal and take on more after you've healed. Also, look into reading the "Anxiety Cure" just because of its focus on the adrenal fatigue.
So, anyway, these things have helped me. My plate is less full. The therapist that pushed me ended up getting diabetes, and her husband passed away, and now she's a University police officer, and a single mother dating a man who has an older son with autism. I've talked with her sense because she really was just trying to help me, but now she has so much of a greater understanding of how my son's autism impacts my life. I don't ever want someone to tell me "You can't", but that doesn't mean that "I have to" either, you know? I can do it, but do I want to do that to myself. Right now, I want to function better at coping with my son's autism, and I want to have less anxiety:). When I went to school, etc., I was in too much pain with fatigue to enjoy any of my accomplishments so what was the point? You know when we have kids, we do have responsibilities. At the same time, they sense when our taking care of them doesn't come from a place of love and health. Our motivations do matter. Get healthy first, and everything else will fall into place. Hire help if you have the option too. I have some sitters for my son for after school eventhough I don't work. We're not rich, but we know that we have to have the help because it decreases our stress. My son just keeps growing, and he's so strong that I just can't handle him physically for too long.
So, I hope I didn't overwhelm you, and keep in touch and take care:).
God Bless You,
luvpiggy
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Guest
Hi Luvpiggy,
Thanks so much for all of the very helpful information! And for sharing your story with me. I am SHOCKED at what that therapist told you ... first about keeping busy when you were already exhausted and overwhelmed, but second, when she resonded "We all are" when you were telling her how anxious and stressed you were. Ugh! I am so sorry you had to go through such a difficult experience with a therapist. It is interesting how life is, that now the therapist is in a similar situation as you, and now she understands. God is amazing the way He works!
Even though it was a horrible experinece, I am sure that God will use your degree for good someday -- when you are ready. Library Science is a great field -- you could work in a school or hospital library. I actually started a master's program in Library Science, but ended up in English/Children's Literature. I only finished half of it because we needed to move and my 2-year-old was having a horrible time with the transition. She is 8 now, and has Sensory Processing Disorder. You may have heard of that, in dealing with your son's condition. My daughter saw an OT for awhile, which helped when she was 5, but now she has more symptoms and is developing a lot of anxiety.
I can't relate to how hard it must be with a child with autism, but I do have a feeling for raising children with some special needs (my 4-year-old has a lot of phsyical issues -- we adopted her from Korea a few years ago). It really does take a toll on us moms, especially when we are so sensitive to their needs and want so badly to help them in any way we can. We forget about ourselves.
I love all of your advice, and will take it all to heart! I will get that book Anxiety Cure -- it sounds awesome. I do love to walk when I can, and you're right -- there is something different in the way I feel after a good long walk than after other exercise. I tried Yoga, but it was too slow for me. I used to be an avid work-out person, doing high impact aerobics and weight-lifting, so it is hard to do something SO S-L-O-W. One thing I love is the rebounder! It is a mini-trampoline, and there are DVD programs to go along with it. It does get frustrating when I start to exercise for a week or so, and then I get a Fibro "flare-up" and I am so sore I can't do much of anything. But that is where the "acceptance" comes in
I would LOVE to take a warm bath and have asked my husband if we could PLEASE get a jacuzzi tub, but we just don't have the finances ... maybe someday. But a warm shower really helps too.
I don't have a dog, but I love dogs!! I do have two cats. Animals are so healing, aren't they? Such precious gifts to us.
About the sunlight -- I live in PA where we have long winters and often have gray days. Sometimes I wonder if a tanning salon would help -- I know that sounds horrible, with all the skin-cancer scares, but I wonder if the UV rays from the tanning beds could help when we don't have sunlight here. Ever heard of that helping?
I can't thank you enough for all of the time you have spent with me. I give you SO much credit for sticking to your guns and staying home to take care of your son, and YOU. You have been through so much! And guess what? I just hired a sitter too, to help out with my 4-year-old 2 afternoons a week. I don't work, and it stretches our income, but my doctor said I HAD to get help, and he was right. It does releive the stress and gives me time to breathe.
Thanks again, luvpiggy. You are wonderful.
God bless you back
Maureen.
Thanks so much for all of the very helpful information! And for sharing your story with me. I am SHOCKED at what that therapist told you ... first about keeping busy when you were already exhausted and overwhelmed, but second, when she resonded "We all are" when you were telling her how anxious and stressed you were. Ugh! I am so sorry you had to go through such a difficult experience with a therapist. It is interesting how life is, that now the therapist is in a similar situation as you, and now she understands. God is amazing the way He works!
Even though it was a horrible experinece, I am sure that God will use your degree for good someday -- when you are ready. Library Science is a great field -- you could work in a school or hospital library. I actually started a master's program in Library Science, but ended up in English/Children's Literature. I only finished half of it because we needed to move and my 2-year-old was having a horrible time with the transition. She is 8 now, and has Sensory Processing Disorder. You may have heard of that, in dealing with your son's condition. My daughter saw an OT for awhile, which helped when she was 5, but now she has more symptoms and is developing a lot of anxiety.
I can't relate to how hard it must be with a child with autism, but I do have a feeling for raising children with some special needs (my 4-year-old has a lot of phsyical issues -- we adopted her from Korea a few years ago). It really does take a toll on us moms, especially when we are so sensitive to their needs and want so badly to help them in any way we can. We forget about ourselves.
I love all of your advice, and will take it all to heart! I will get that book Anxiety Cure -- it sounds awesome. I do love to walk when I can, and you're right -- there is something different in the way I feel after a good long walk than after other exercise. I tried Yoga, but it was too slow for me. I used to be an avid work-out person, doing high impact aerobics and weight-lifting, so it is hard to do something SO S-L-O-W. One thing I love is the rebounder! It is a mini-trampoline, and there are DVD programs to go along with it. It does get frustrating when I start to exercise for a week or so, and then I get a Fibro "flare-up" and I am so sore I can't do much of anything. But that is where the "acceptance" comes in
I would LOVE to take a warm bath and have asked my husband if we could PLEASE get a jacuzzi tub, but we just don't have the finances ... maybe someday. But a warm shower really helps too.
I don't have a dog, but I love dogs!! I do have two cats. Animals are so healing, aren't they? Such precious gifts to us.
About the sunlight -- I live in PA where we have long winters and often have gray days. Sometimes I wonder if a tanning salon would help -- I know that sounds horrible, with all the skin-cancer scares, but I wonder if the UV rays from the tanning beds could help when we don't have sunlight here. Ever heard of that helping?
I can't thank you enough for all of the time you have spent with me. I give you SO much credit for sticking to your guns and staying home to take care of your son, and YOU. You have been through so much! And guess what? I just hired a sitter too, to help out with my 4-year-old 2 afternoons a week. I don't work, and it stretches our income, but my doctor said I HAD to get help, and he was right. It does releive the stress and gives me time to breathe.
Thanks again, luvpiggy. You are wonderful.
God bless you back
Maureen.
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Guest
Hi Maureen,
I'm glad the advice helped:). I have heard of sensory processing disorder, and you do have your child that has the physical problems, so your plate is already full too:). It's true what you are saying about taking things on from their children. I do feel that I've even taken on my son's symptoms at times. After his diagnosis, I started to have to wear sunglasses when it was a bright blue day because I wouldn't feel real. That's another symptom that's improved tremendously after I've been able to rest.
Maybe you could look into buying a sunlamp or seeing if a local psychiatrist/psychologist can let you have access to one to help get some UV rays. I mean, you don't have to say in a tanning booth for very long either to get the required sunlight. Just fifteen minutes:).
That's great about the library science:). If they offered a children's literature major here at the University my husband works for, I would do it in a heartbeat:) so I can see why you would switch.
As far as the "The Anxiety Cure" is concerned, I just want to warn you that I am an ecclectic:). I read many books, and take the pieces that apply to me that I agree with:). I don't agree with everything in the book, but I do think that that the focus on the adrenal fatigue and rest is "right on" in the book. It's a Christian Psychiatrist who wrote the book, and I don't necessarily agree with everything about medication, etc., he wrote, but some of it:). Just wanted you to know that there may be parts you don't agree with, and parts where this program is more helpful, and that I don't think it's the Bible:).
Wow! What a great mom you are, and that's so great that you had the heart to adopt:). You're a wonderful woman yourself, and I'm sure you are on the road to recovery:).
Take care and God Bless,
luvpiggy
I'm glad the advice helped:). I have heard of sensory processing disorder, and you do have your child that has the physical problems, so your plate is already full too:). It's true what you are saying about taking things on from their children. I do feel that I've even taken on my son's symptoms at times. After his diagnosis, I started to have to wear sunglasses when it was a bright blue day because I wouldn't feel real. That's another symptom that's improved tremendously after I've been able to rest.
Maybe you could look into buying a sunlamp or seeing if a local psychiatrist/psychologist can let you have access to one to help get some UV rays. I mean, you don't have to say in a tanning booth for very long either to get the required sunlight. Just fifteen minutes:).
That's great about the library science:). If they offered a children's literature major here at the University my husband works for, I would do it in a heartbeat:) so I can see why you would switch.
As far as the "The Anxiety Cure" is concerned, I just want to warn you that I am an ecclectic:). I read many books, and take the pieces that apply to me that I agree with:). I don't agree with everything in the book, but I do think that that the focus on the adrenal fatigue and rest is "right on" in the book. It's a Christian Psychiatrist who wrote the book, and I don't necessarily agree with everything about medication, etc., he wrote, but some of it:). Just wanted you to know that there may be parts you don't agree with, and parts where this program is more helpful, and that I don't think it's the Bible:).
Wow! What a great mom you are, and that's so great that you had the heart to adopt:). You're a wonderful woman yourself, and I'm sure you are on the road to recovery:).
Take care and God Bless,
luvpiggy