I can only change myself

Deb 45 · Post by **Deb 45** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:55 pm

Hi all,

I finished the program I think back in 2004. I got a lot of good stuff out of the program at the time, but I think its taken me until the last couple months to get something important. You can't help other people who don't want help. Especially family members. They stay the way they are because for some reason it works for them.
Its so hard to try to 'change the dance' with people you love. Because they like you the way you are too, even if you're unhappy. I've finally accepted that sometimes you just have to let them deal with their own problems without jumping in to save the day, or protecting them, or defending them.

One family member went through a very difficult time in her life, but I jumped to her aid for three years before it just became too heavy for me. I backed off, and now she's figuring things out for herself, the way she wants them to be. And I'm so glad not to feel like I'm responsible for her happiness.

My parents are getting older, and I've jumped in to save the day with them too. However I'm tired of jumping in and saving the day. I've been doing it all my life. They're adults and capable of making plans so that they are comfortable. They can also ask for help. I find that when I do things 'for them' that there is little appreciation, because they never asked for it. Although I'm sure there is a benefit for them. Its like if they don't say thankyou then it remains a secret, so I'll keep on doing it. But if its out in the open, then they may find out the truth is that I don't enjoy it, and I don't want to do it.

They've resisted change, and I'm worn out from trying to change. I feel sad for them, and angry that they just don't get it. I really want to have fun with them, but the workload has become overwhelming. And the more I do, the more I realize that it will never be enough. It was never my responsibility in the first place. And whatever fear they're holding on to, it will remain whether I 'help' or not. It never was my responsibility to fix.

I could go on. Pretty much every family member is involved. Most of my siblings barely contact me anymore, and that makes me sad. But I'd rather talk to them when we both want to talk rather than when one or both isn't wanting that. There's a real lack of honesty that I'm really bucking in my family, and they're not used to it, and they don't like it.

I feel alone when it comes to family. Like I'm the blacksheep that no one really gets.

Finally, I've fallen back into secondary gains, because I focus so much on my health issues I think to avoid the struggle I face with family. Its funny, whenever I eat with someone that feels toxic, I start fearing that I will choke on my food.

I know I'm on the right track, I just wish that I could see some light at the end of the tunnel. It just seems like a long haul.

What are the benefits so far? I guess I know the truth. And I share the truth. I'm sick of pretending with my own family. I'm free of a lot of the dysfunction I carried around. Or getting better at letting it go. I've got a good stable job. I'm comfortable in my community. I'm taking my time back, and trying to figure out what I want, vs what others want of me and being true to what I want.
I'm better at telling the truth, and at saying no.
I'm meeting a few people that I think are more positive and fun to be with, although its a slow process.
My sister, who I felt so discouraged by, reminded me of secondary gains and I was encouraged because she's starting to make some positive gains. I got her the program over a year ago and thats when I stopped calling her so much. So there is some change for the better.

I've just got to stick to my guns. I think my parents are starting to turn a little in my direction. But they test me all the time.

Wish me luck!

burn · Post by **burn** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 2:52 pm

Deb, your post says so much, and you say it so well, I read it and simply sighed. Wow. Don't have anything else to say, but did want to just let you know, Wow. Good post!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:37 am

I enjoyed reading your post. I can see how falling back into the negative secondary gains is always a possibility but now we have the knowledge, tools, and the ability to see when this is happening. I've also had to let go of some toxic relationships and also find it slow going right now on building new ones in a different way. It is slow but it is happening. I also found after a while that some of the relationships that caused me a lot of stress in the beginning don't really affect me anymore. I think acceptance has finally sunk in that not everyone wants to change just because I have and this is just 'what is." I think your realization of the fact that you can't help someone who doesn't want help is a good insight, and in the end will be a positive force in your continued recovery.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:22 am

Hi Deb, Pecos, Mary,
WOW...Deb so much you wrote sounds like my life especially with parents and siblings. I was taken back by everything you wrote and was amazed because I have felt as though I've been beating my head against a brick wall for so many years and thanks to being able to just say I don't need the hurt feelings, or feeling of rejection, or they just can't see they have issues I am just working on myself and not trying anymore. If it's like work than it's my time I'm wasting for no good reason.
Not sure i got it out the way I wanted but will have to do.

THANKS !!!!!!!!!!! To All who posted, great posts!

Live, Love , Laugh and Prosper for YOU, we can't change anyone else...so true.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:28 am

Thanks,

Its really interesting that on some level my family knows they are manipulating me. I went to visit and my mom told me that if I didn't keep up with my end of the work, my brother and sister would get mad at me because they would have to work harder. Then my dad brought up that my cat was sick, and my mom said maybe I should stay overnight to take care of her.

There were a few other things too. All things I didn't realize they knew. Guilt and fear can be big motivation.

On the other hand, I am really glad to have them around. I don't think they want me to be unhappy, but don't know another way to relate to me. So I'll just keep saying 'no'.

Not at all easy, but I think worth it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:52 am

Hi Deb,
You do what makes you feel better. Guilt can eat us up and I can be made feel guilty so easily by almost anyone. It's one of the issues that contributed to my depression and anxiety throughout my life.
I'm really working hard on not letting it happen anymore. We have to help ourselves any way we can, everyday, and not let people push our buttons anymore. One day it will sink in that they can't control us with guilty expressions anymore.

Stand firm and tall. Your doing GREAT.