NEGAITIVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE PLEASE RESPOND !!!!
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HAPPYTOBEME
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:32 pm
I WAS JUST WONDERING.....CAN NEGATIVE PEOPLE MAKE YOUR ANXIETY AND PANIC WORSE? I WAS HAVING A REALLY GREAT WEEK LAST WEEK. MY EX CALLED ME ON FRIDAY AND ASKED ME TO PICK HIM UP B/C HE HAD BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE APT TO WHERE HE WAS LIVING. ME BEING THE NICE PERSON THAT I AM PICKED HIM UP AND NOW HIM AND HIS SON ARE AT MY HOUSE. HE HAS SO MANY PROBLEMS AND ISSUES IN HIS LIFE. I HAVE SUCH A LOW TOLERANCE FOR STRESS AND CANT DEAL WITH HIS PROBLEMS. HE DRINKS ALOT AND DOES NOT KNOW WHEN TO QUIT PARTYING. HE DID NOT HAVE A JOB WHEN WE WERE TOGTHER AND I BASICALLY TOOK CARE OF HIM THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER. HE IS AT MY HOUSE NOW AND I JUST FEEL SICK AND MY ANXIETY IS SO BAD. I DID HAVE A LITTLE WINE LAST NIGHT BUT I AM SO ON EDGE. I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE!!!! HE CANT STAY WITH ME. I CALLED HIS FRIEND TO SEE IF HE COULD COME BACK WITH HIM AND HE SAID YES. CAN NEGATIVE PEOPLE IN YOU AFFECT YOUR ANXIETY THIS MUCH!!!! WHEN HE IS AROUND ME NOTHING EVER GOOD COMES FROM IT. I CANT HELP THE FACT THAT I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM AND HIS SON AND I WANT TO HELP B/C NOONE WILL. I DONT KNOW THAT TO DO!!! PLEASE HELP!!!
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Guest
YOu know what you need to do. Don't allow him to use you. Tell him he has to find somewhere else to go because you are not going to deal with him anymore. Its his responsibility to care for himself and his son. Not yours. You tried. It didnt work. You need the peace. Take care of you now. One day at a time and you will see yourself becoming calmer.
It can be very difficult to stay calm around people who thrive on chaos. Thinking we have to fix everything for everyone is going to leave you very stressed. YOu dont have to fix him or his situation. You only have to take care of you. Besides, allowing him to figure this out for himself will be good for him. But he needs to figure it out elsewhere.
I hope you feel better soon.
Hugs, Reena
It can be very difficult to stay calm around people who thrive on chaos. Thinking we have to fix everything for everyone is going to leave you very stressed. YOu dont have to fix him or his situation. You only have to take care of you. Besides, allowing him to figure this out for himself will be good for him. But he needs to figure it out elsewhere.
I hope you feel better soon.
Hugs, Reena
I can't think of a much more stressful situation. I know that you are probably a nice person, and you wanted to be "nice". I've been really recommending the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud, and I probably got the idea from someone on this site:). It's very helpful for avoiding these situations.
One of the things that the book points out is that you are responsible for your own boundaries. If someone asks you for something and you do it just to be "nice", but you really don't want to do it, then you end up being dishonest and not nice. It looks like this ex is definitely someone who will use you IF YOU LET HIM, and you are the only one who can tell him "No." He won't read your mind and leave unless you tell him that you don't want him to stay with you. Although it's hard, it's the right thing to do. The book "Boundaries" points out that you should always let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no". That means we shouldn't do things that we really don't want to do, and it's really not the other person's fault if we lie to them and tell them that we want to help when we really don't. I'm not saying for you to want to "help" him because I don't think what you are doing is really "helping" him. I think you would help him more by not helping him.
I have some questions for you. Why did you think you had to go pick him up? Why did you think you had to let him and his son stay with you? Why do you think you should let him drink in your house? Usually if you answer these questions you'll find that you have many misinterpretations about what it means to be a "nice" person. A nice person doesn't enable someone to continue with very bad behaviors. A nice person doesn't say that he or she wants to help when he or she really doesn't.
I'm not attacking you, and I know that I used to think that I was being "nice" too. I had to learn about proper boundaries, and you can too. It may take some time to change, but you can do it. I hope you are able to tell your ex the truth so that you can feel better and take care of yourself.
Good Luck:),
luvpiggy
One of the things that the book points out is that you are responsible for your own boundaries. If someone asks you for something and you do it just to be "nice", but you really don't want to do it, then you end up being dishonest and not nice. It looks like this ex is definitely someone who will use you IF YOU LET HIM, and you are the only one who can tell him "No." He won't read your mind and leave unless you tell him that you don't want him to stay with you. Although it's hard, it's the right thing to do. The book "Boundaries" points out that you should always let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no". That means we shouldn't do things that we really don't want to do, and it's really not the other person's fault if we lie to them and tell them that we want to help when we really don't. I'm not saying for you to want to "help" him because I don't think what you are doing is really "helping" him. I think you would help him more by not helping him.
I have some questions for you. Why did you think you had to go pick him up? Why did you think you had to let him and his son stay with you? Why do you think you should let him drink in your house? Usually if you answer these questions you'll find that you have many misinterpretations about what it means to be a "nice" person. A nice person doesn't enable someone to continue with very bad behaviors. A nice person doesn't say that he or she wants to help when he or she really doesn't.
I'm not attacking you, and I know that I used to think that I was being "nice" too. I had to learn about proper boundaries, and you can too. It may take some time to change, but you can do it. I hope you are able to tell your ex the truth so that you can feel better and take care of yourself.
Good Luck:),
luvpiggy