Relationships

This session shows the powerful, positive effects change can have in your life – if only we learn to embrace it, not resist it.
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proudmomof2
Posts: 35
Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:26 pm

Post by proudmomof2 » Mon Sep 15, 2008 5:59 am

I am not sure if this is the right forum for this post, but here we go.

Has anyone felt like a hipocrit after starting this program in regards to their relationship with their significant other?

I have been with my husband for 14 years (dating and marriage) and now that I have begun working this program, I feel myself changing. I will no longer put up with things I have in the past. I feel like I deserve more now and my children deserve more.

The problem is to be completely honest and fair, I have not been the easiest person in the world to live with before starting this program, therapy, medication, etc. In fact, I was a pretty miserable person with bouts of happiness since he has known me. But, he stood by me through it, most of the time. We did break up for a period of time when dating over my depression and then he had an affair during the second year of our marriage with my continued depression and other issues as part of the cause.

Now that I am on the road to recovery, I expect him to change with me. To stop the yelling, angrey behavior, the sarcasm, the hurtful language, the impatience, the frustration, basically anything negative about him. He says he stuck by me for over 14 years being the way I was and now I am giving him no time whatsoever to change before I possibly leave.

Am I being unfair like he says? I think because of the affair and other hurtful things he has done, I just expect him to jump when I say jump, but it doesn't work that way I know.

In the program Lucinda talks about we will find some people will not like the "new" us when we finish the program. What if that person is your spouse and the father of your children? How long do you give the people in your life time to adapt to the new you and to change things about themselves before you move on?

CRYOMAN31
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 1:01 am

Post by CRYOMAN31 » Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:10 am

Seems like a pretty good forum for your post. I read your message twice, and wanted so much to have some advice that would seem relevant. Gee, I don't. It's so hard to be in this particular position. I am finding I am reviewing several relationships this way, too. When you have a way of communicating (or not!) with a person, and your interactions with that person almost set themselves into stone, when you change and they don't, sirens go off. Yes, from what you are saying (how courageous of you to admit your part in the dysfunction!) you did have a lot of contribution to the current dysfunction. You, however, are the one who decided to do something about the problem (dysfunction) in your interactions. Did you ever see the movie (Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia) about a woman who is an alcoholic. She practically destroys her life and everyone around with her drinking. When she hits bottom and begins her recovery, her relationship goes totally south. It cannot be saved. It's a good story because it deals very realistically with dysfunctional relationships. Doesn't matter how much a person contributes to the mess (that they both made), when a person decides to make that very, very difficult commitment to change and grow and get healthy, if the other half of the relationship cannot see their part in the mess, then, what do you do? For me, in a few situations I have similar to this example, I will have to move on. Not because I wasn't partially contributing to the mess, but because I am NOT willing to do the destructive stuff anymore. I just won't. And it seems healthy to me to expect the other part of this mess to adapt, too. In a healthy way. Does this make sense?

Guest

Post by Guest » Sun May 24, 2009 2:18 pm

proudmomof2, how are you doing now? how have things gone for you since you posted this? I am asking because i find myself in similar situation. and i liked pecos' response because i dont think there is a right answer. i know that we have had a dysfunctional family forever, i just didnt know how to get it functional. i am afraid that my spouse wants to leave, as a matter of fact he stated that he would have divorced me a long time ago if it wouldn't cost him so much. ( i guess we live in a state that takes care of its kids.) we have 3. (gee if that doesnt make you feel good i dont know what does). we have actually married one another twice. the first time for ten years then again for 5 1/2. we have slipped back into the same routine as prior to the end of the first marriage. we dont have a healthy relationship and he doesnt seem to want to try again. he is so angry and does not even want to listen to some things that i want to say. we have been seeing a therapist on post and she is good, but, when you dont want to move past old crap, what do you do? I have been able to forgive myself for my part in a lot of the failings in our marriage, but i cant seem to get it across to him. everything i say to try to show him my side or point of view, he throws it at me saying things like, "so now you're holding that over my head" among other similar statements. i cant expect him to understand, especially because he wont even stop being angry to be open to listen to me and how i feel about several things. whether they think we are being unfair or not, if the relationship isnt healthy and one of you doesnt want to change and grow and move on to a better place in life, then, God's will be done. i pray for you and my family that whatever comes, that we have peace and a calm that we did not before know. thanks to this program and Lucinda Bassitt we can and choose to be okay until we can be even better. God Bless and keep you near

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