Stress Center Peer Support

I've had a lot of emotional trauma in my past. I don't expect anyone to post here, but lately its a comforting idea that others might understand how I feel because they've been there. I've really covered up my past in hopes of salvaging relationships. In truth those relationships are really limited and they probably will always stay that way. I need people who know, and want to stay a part of my life anyway.

This program has helped a lot. Except with the trauma. Because sometimes I feel really bad and negative because something triggers an old memory. I blame myself for it because I have such a hard time pulling out of it. Then I realize that is the memories of those old events and its comforting, but it still happens. I think its been good for me to recognize that this program isn't all the answers for me. Maybe for some, but not me. I feel better because its not my fault that the program hasn't solved all my problems.

Dear DEB:

There are issues that reach beyond the scope of this program. These issues are better addressed w/ a medical professional: psychiatrist/psychologist. Often, esp when trauma is envolved, it is best to face your past - then face yourself. This allows you to to separate you as the "victim that was" to the "woman you are now". Then, as the "woman you are now" change those parts of you that create the anxiety disorder (='s self accountability & responsibility). Let me explain.

When my anxiety triggered in APR-2005, it came hard & fast. It was triggered by surgery I had just had for the 1st time. I took immediate action: 1st going to my reg dr & then scheduling an appt w/ a psychiatrist. With in 3 sessions, I was diagnosed: anxiety disorder, panic attacks, & PTSD(fr: the surgery, 9/11: was there, & childhood).

Once I was diagnosed, the next step was figuring the "puzzle out" so to speak. Meaning, we had to figure out what happened to me that resulted (cumulatively)in my current emotional state @ the moment I appeared b/4 him. In order to do that, we had to GO BACK IN TIME fr the BEGINNING = as far as I could remember. Imagine if you will: an imaginary time machine - taking you back to say when your 5 yrs old. Then, once there, reliving each traumatic event as though it were happening for the very 1st time. Except, this time, you admit/address/feel all respective emotions.

Why, you may ask? I had a lge amount of bad things happen to me. Things, I never was able to face or address or feel. Since 5 yrs old - I always "lived to survive" not "think & feel". I had suppressed all the pain/fear/trauma deep dwn for all these events - till the day anxiety disorder triggered. THAT IS = 32 YRS. After 32 yrs of suppression, there wasn't anymore room in my EMOTIONAL STORAGE - so, the cup spilleth over = like a volcano & its lava, my suppressed emotions kept building up - til they EXPLODED(like a volcano & its lava). Exploded = anxiety disorder TRIGGERING. My emotions were 1 COMINGLED MESS.

W/o getting into unnecessary detail, allow me to share w/ you my story , so you hopefully can understand & maybe be helped or inspired:

When I was 5 yrs old, my father up & left, never to be seen again. My mother, who was a house wife w/ no work experience - was beyond overwhelmed. She herself came fr a very dysfunctional family (she got pregnant & married @ 19 just to get out of the house). She had no real family example or support.Fr that very moment, she began to let herself, her home, & her children(me & 2 older syblings)fall apart. When I was age 6, it was 8:30pm - during a winter snow storm. I was sitting outside ALONE, w/ my mother no where to be found. Some folks saw me fr the neighborhood. They let the "neighborhood grandfather/mayor of the block" know - & he took me in for the nite. The next morning, he returned me to my mother, whose only reply was "oh, ok". Once she saw he was willing to watch me/keep me that ONE TIME, fr that day forward, 1 day became 2, 3, 4, - I began living w/ him/being raised by him. She & my 2 syblings lived dwn the block fr us - I was separated fr them w/ no reason why - I was 6. She'd have me be her Cinderella, "come home & do this or else, come home & go to the store for me, or else". Thats pretty hard for a 6yr old little girl.

She did take me back on occassion, for all the wrong reasons. It was during those sporadic & periodic times she took me back(prob fr age 6-11/12), that the BAD THINGS HAPPENED. I was ABUSED & ABANDONED(a-z, use your imagination, it all happened to me): I was yelled at, cld the most horrible things, beaten/smacked terribly: 1 time, she cld me BACK HOME for her fancy. I was 10 or 11 & she cld me home. It was a SET UP. When I walked in the door, she said something to me, knowing how I would reply(you see, I was very angry & hurt @ her for sending me away). When I told her "what do you care for?" Immediately, my elder sister who is 5 yrs older - probably 15 @ the time, proceeded to beat me bloody - literally. While my mother stood there, w/ her right hand on her hip(in her kitchen) & her left hand holding a cigarette, my elder sister beat me bad: broke a broom stick over my back + banged my head against the wall + dragged me on the flr by my hair all around the kitchen + kicking me on my back & stomach. When my mother saw I was "messed up enough", taking a drag fr her cigarette, she smiled/laughed & said "now you can go back to Ben(the man who raised me who I went on to call my GRANDFATHER)".
NOTE: I was able to resolve my sister's role later in therapy as 1 of SELF PRESERVATION.

I was frightened beyond anything, confused, & that further cemented the idea in my young little head "I did something wrong, its my fault I was sent away - I am a bad girl". <span class="ev_code_RED">That is 1 example of many of the "ABUSE" I endured through the years w/ my bio-family.</span> Now, I want to make clear, my syblings were also victims. I know what happened to me when I WAS there & how bad it was, I don't know what happened to them when I wasn't. There is no way to be able to fit here, all that happened & honestly, not necessary to mention either.

When my mother finally signed off rights of me to him @ age 15, she said "the only reason I am doing this, is because by the time the gov't processes the paper work, you won't get nothing"(she had been receiving welfare for me since my father left & kept all $'s, even as I was being raised by someone else).

I was MOLESTED: I was molested by several x's by UNCLE(mothers brother), several x's by my own BROTHER(he was 13 apprx), 1x EACH by the following people: the SUPERINTENDANT of my mother's apt building, the OWNER OF THE BAKERY around the corner fr us - his name was FRANK, & the SUPERINTENDENDANT of my grandmother's building(right after my father left) -I remember his name too, that SUPERINTENDANT's name was GENE(male).

When I was a senior in high school, my "grandfather"(man who raised me) passed away. I was on my own. No one in bio-family came forward w/ help, advice, love, support. I was in shock, overwhelmed, clueless, 1 step away fr becoming homeless(had no job, heck still in high school) & in over my head. Well, God works wonders. When my grandfather was given rights to me & given public assistance, I was assigned a caseworker. I went to this caseworker not knowing what to do. He put his job on the line, by "fibbing" to HUD(we lived in the projects) that I would be receiving CHK'S indefinitely. This allowed me to secure the apt & a lease in MY NAME. When we left there, he said to me, "now you have to get a job". I graduated high school on a Thurs. That Mond, I started working fulltime. IT ALL HAPPENED VERY FAST. LOl, I had no clue about managing money, laundry(ruined loads of in the beginning - I put bleach on everything, lol), living by myself & $'s to maintain it all - $'s I didn't have. I survived that, went on to attend college at nite & graduated in 1996. In 1993(to back track)when the WTC was bombed - I was there: I worked in 2 WTC on 81st flr. On 9/11/2001, although no longer working in the WTC - I was on a train - in the tunnel of WTC when the 1st plane hit & in dwntown Manhattan for several hr's afterwards. <span class="ev_code_RED">In April - 2005, ANXIETY DISORDER TRIGGERED.</span>


I WANT TO STATE VERY CLEARLY HERE & NOW: I do not state MY STORY for any other reason - than to help the next person. I want no glory or pity. Victims often hide in shame - I choose not to & only share my story when it can serve a PURPOSE BEYOND MYSELF. I needed to know, there was a purpose to my life's events & all that happened, was not in vain.

<span class="ev_code_RED">Finally, LOL: Deb, you see all the cumulative events I mentioned? I suppressed it all. Sure, out of sheer fear. However, I also never learned a way to deal w/ my emotions, I never felt safe to - I didn't have the SKILLS. So, when MY ANXIETY DISORDER triggered - long before I could even begin to face myself - I had to UNBURDEN myself of all the suppressed pain fr the events of the past. It was a very delicate & methodical process - w/ me aided by a psychitrist w/ 30+ yrs experience specializing in TRAUMA such as I had experienced. Me facing my past & respective suppressed emotions - made room in my EMOTIONAL STORAGE for THE GOOD STUFF = me facing myself as the woman I am & changing those parts of me that CREATED THE ANXIETY DISORDER. You see, for years - unbeknownst to me - I lived in & as the PAST. Meaning, I was not THE WOMAN LENORE - who has overcome & accomplished so very much - NO. Rather, I was living in a CONSTANT STATE OF: lenore the abused, molested, & abandoned child - to the point that it became WHO I WAS. Going thru THERAPY 1st, BEFORE LUCINDA'S PROGRAM - gave me a great gift: it afforded me the ability to separate the 2 - that I am not my past, it wasn't my fault, & I am free to be who & what I choose - I just need to WORK IT & OWN IT - for me, BY ME as the WOMAN I AM NOW.</span>

No, Lucinda's program didn't deal w/ my SPECIFIC ISSUES EITHER. However, it wasn't meant to. The PROGRAM PICKS UP, where THERAPY left off. You see, I can't ever erase the events of my past. & sure, there are events in CURRENT TIME that will & have TRIGGERED the memory. Difference is now, I'm not running fr it - I'm free. I acknowledged/addressed/dealt/feel all the respective emotions fr all past events - so that the FEAR OF THEM(denying them) can't intimidate me anymore. Now, when the TRIGGERS happen - I have a choice - as the woman I am - to not wallow or dwell in what once was. I allow myself the right to know I have been thru a hell of a lot. However, the woman I am now - chooses NOT TO BE THE VICTIM ANY LONGER - I take my power back fr the perpetrators & live life as I was & am entitled to. You see DEB, the way I approached it & still do RIGHT NOW: I was put thru enough pain - when as a child, I didn't have a say. I don't want to do that DO ME ANY MORE - I suffered enough - I was ready TO LET GO. That is where Lucinda's program picks up. Having dealt w/ the past, Lucinda gave me a SKILLSET to deal w/ THE NOW - for the rest of my life.

You know Deb - when the triggers happen for me -I fight hard to fall prey to old habits(wallowing or dwelling). If I need a PICK ME UP/PEP ME UP - I will laugh w/ a good friend, my husband, put on a good song when he isn't home & dance like someone stuck my tushy w/ electric shock treatment, lol - I don't care cause its fun. I will call a friend, come here maybe or in chat - I am not beyond needing support - I'm human. I just know, now, I have a say in how I live, what I think, how I feel & I am working now to give me ALL THAT & MORE.

God Bless ,

LENORE

I read your answer to Deb, and while I feel like I am evesdropping I just had to tell you that I think you're an amazing person. What an inspiration. I feel what you are saying, you made it so clear - whatever anyones trauma is what you have said surely is the pathway out of the hole. God has brought you here to touch others. Thanks for sharing.

Lenore,
Your story is very touching how you have risen from your past and learning to live life and have fun. I know you want no pity but I did feel sad reading your story, thats only human. I too had a traumatic childhood. Your story gives me hope in conquering things in my life, so thank you. I love how you say you dance like someone stuck your tushy, that is so great and heart warming to hear because I do that too. You touched me and that is a good thing because sometime I feel like I am numb to things but your story made me cry not just for sadness but for happiness also. Keep dancing girl!
Gina