Stress Center Peer Support

Need I say anything else???

Jeni, Great post to start this thread with. Who wouldn't have something to say about this one?

My first thought is that we lead by example... Is there any better way to start learning?
So I review session 3 often, to help me learn that one! Being positive and all...(who Me???)

I hope that your negitive partner starts focusing in on your progress... Man, this takes more patients than I think I have, sometimes. Oh, yea, that should be in #4, huh?
I think so.
Jeni, let me know how your doing...Steve

I HAD an extremely negative partner. Now, thankfully, he is only mildly negative - but I still won't/don't let him get away with that! If he's going to be negative, he's going to get a response.

It was critical to me to turn this around because I know I have more personal power than "that"! But even to stay with him was license for him to 'abuse' me.

Still, I felt up to the challenge (OK, I'm lying - I cried a lot - but I also kept at it until I found methods that worked). The very best idea is still for me to move on when done "learning," but as long as I can keep my sanity - for the most part - I felt it important to learn. And here's what I did learn:

1. Some people are simply morally and/or emotionally corrupt. I'm not going to change that.

2. I can view the partner's comments as defining me, or as an opportunity to improve my own communication skills in some way, AND THEN MOVE ON.

3. It is NOT a good idea to stay with this person long term.

4. But as long as I CHOOSE to stay, read & apply:

a. Tongue Fu (practice funny, assertive responses to commonly attempted barbs)
b. Dealing with People You Can't Stand (describes ten basic personality types (see especially, "The Tank") & means of controlling both the dialogue and emotion)


5. Do NOT be afraid you'll hurt feelings. My experience is that you probably can't. My pointed, assertive responses, especially if kept light-hearted and true, are more often met with surprise and respect than with anger or hurt.

The trouble is that these responses need to keep getting repeated. They do not change behavior with just one try. But just keep at it, and the tide will eventually turn.

Then you can decide, on your own time, if this relationship will ever generate any real value for you. Or, just get out and don't waste your time.

I hope these amateur tips will help!

Good luck!

cinnam,
I like some things you said but I have never had the courage to move on. I am married and don't feel I could support myself because I can't handle a job or living alone, much less a divorce.

My ex husband is very negative, quick to anger and loves to rant and put down. I have to deal with him b/c of our children, and he leans on me more than he should about handling them and just other things b/c he has no one else.
I had to break down and tell him that I've come a long way and didn't need to backside. I told him that the negativity had to stop or I was cutting him off. I'm working hard here, and need co-operation to get better, or just leave me alone. I am determined to get better. There's a tape/session on assertiveness you might want to listen to. If you aren't ready to say something to your partner, maybe a family member or friend will for you.

I've been married for nearly 28 years to a negative, controlling man. We have 3 grown children and shared a successful business, which I started and managed. As I recognized that I needed help with the stress, he ignored my needs. This Christmas I announced that I would slowly leave the business and go back to college. He announced he wanted a divorce and is now trying to leave me pennyless. I know I will be better off when this chapter is over, but the financial fears of starting over can be overwhelming.