Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:57 am
Hello! I had my first bout with panic when I was 13 years old, and it's steadily gotten worse. I've been on and off some meds (paxil, buspar, lexapro, and welbrutin), but none of them seemed to help..and the withdrawl from the paxil was horrible.
What helped occasionally was therapy, but I'm finding it hard to get back into that now. I've recently moved 2,000 miles away from where I grew up (I still can't believe I did it..), and my agoraphobia is getting out of control again.
Today I hit a new low. I was feeling an attack coming on while I was getting ready for work. I tried to relax and not focus on it, but it just kept getting worse. To make matters even more crazy, I took my temperature and it was 99.6, which only shot up my anxiety even more. I wanted to call in sick to work, but I missed 2 days last week from being "sick" and I'm only had this job for a month, so I can't risk losing it.
So, I went to work. My panic got to it's highest plato ever. I was extremely close to just grabbing my bag and walking out. I now wish that I would have done that, because what I did makes me feel horrible. when the panic got to it's unbearable point, I walked up to a co-worker, with my cell phone in hand, and started crying, and actually said that my father just died. How horrible is that?
Now, my boss called me and asked if he could do anything for me, and was so sympathetic I felt like just screaming. Now, he told me to take the whole week off, and if I need to go home, (again, 2,000 miles away), he would help me get a plane ticket. This is just crazy. Not only am I still panicking, but I feel like a horrible person now as well.
I have been completely off meds for a month and a half, and was doing OK until the last few weeks. Well truthfully, I haven't been doing OK. I can't ride in a car with other people, I have to drive. I can't eat at a restaurant unless I have a few drinks first. I can't swim in the middle of a pool because I'm scared I won't be able to get out if I need to fast enough. I always have tums and pepto bismol with me incase my stomach starts to hurt. I can't fly. I can't go to the dentist (horrible ordeal last time I went). I can't go into a grocery store without clenching up and rushing through as fast as possible. I'm just at a level of panick almost all the time. When I wake up in the morning, I can feel myself going from relaxed to panicked, and I just feel powerless to stop it.
OK. Enough with that. This week, considering I don't have to work (I have a funeral to go to afterall.......), I'm going to go to the doctor (scares the crap out of me to do it), and I'm going to get some new meds. A friend of mine is on a low dose on Xanax and swears by it. Maybe it will help? Something has to help.
I never had agoraphobia until about a year ago, and I always felt so bad for people that did. Even though my anxiety was messing up my life, I never felt like I was "that" bad. When you are scared to go get the mail, something is seriously wrong.
Well, I vented. Wish I could say I feel better, but I still feel like garbage for lying to my boss> (I'll probably end up getting cards and flowers) And, now I'm so worried about what will happen the next time I work. I can't keep killing family members off can I? This is just so hard.
I do feel a little better now. Hopfully it will continue.
Good luck to everyone out there that struggles with their crazy minds. God Bless you all.
Donny.
What helped occasionally was therapy, but I'm finding it hard to get back into that now. I've recently moved 2,000 miles away from where I grew up (I still can't believe I did it..), and my agoraphobia is getting out of control again.
Today I hit a new low. I was feeling an attack coming on while I was getting ready for work. I tried to relax and not focus on it, but it just kept getting worse. To make matters even more crazy, I took my temperature and it was 99.6, which only shot up my anxiety even more. I wanted to call in sick to work, but I missed 2 days last week from being "sick" and I'm only had this job for a month, so I can't risk losing it.
So, I went to work. My panic got to it's highest plato ever. I was extremely close to just grabbing my bag and walking out. I now wish that I would have done that, because what I did makes me feel horrible. when the panic got to it's unbearable point, I walked up to a co-worker, with my cell phone in hand, and started crying, and actually said that my father just died. How horrible is that?
Now, my boss called me and asked if he could do anything for me, and was so sympathetic I felt like just screaming. Now, he told me to take the whole week off, and if I need to go home, (again, 2,000 miles away), he would help me get a plane ticket. This is just crazy. Not only am I still panicking, but I feel like a horrible person now as well.
I have been completely off meds for a month and a half, and was doing OK until the last few weeks. Well truthfully, I haven't been doing OK. I can't ride in a car with other people, I have to drive. I can't eat at a restaurant unless I have a few drinks first. I can't swim in the middle of a pool because I'm scared I won't be able to get out if I need to fast enough. I always have tums and pepto bismol with me incase my stomach starts to hurt. I can't fly. I can't go to the dentist (horrible ordeal last time I went). I can't go into a grocery store without clenching up and rushing through as fast as possible. I'm just at a level of panick almost all the time. When I wake up in the morning, I can feel myself going from relaxed to panicked, and I just feel powerless to stop it.
OK. Enough with that. This week, considering I don't have to work (I have a funeral to go to afterall.......), I'm going to go to the doctor (scares the crap out of me to do it), and I'm going to get some new meds. A friend of mine is on a low dose on Xanax and swears by it. Maybe it will help? Something has to help.
I never had agoraphobia until about a year ago, and I always felt so bad for people that did. Even though my anxiety was messing up my life, I never felt like I was "that" bad. When you are scared to go get the mail, something is seriously wrong.
Well, I vented. Wish I could say I feel better, but I still feel like garbage for lying to my boss> (I'll probably end up getting cards and flowers) And, now I'm so worried about what will happen the next time I work. I can't keep killing family members off can I? This is just so hard.
I do feel a little better now. Hopfully it will continue.
Good luck to everyone out there that struggles with their crazy minds. God Bless you all.
Donny.