hi all,
i have had the 'attacking anxiety' program for a few mos, i'm a bit better but still having problems...one of them is my in-laws, particularly my mother in law (MIL)...
she is very bossy and rude, and she has made my life so difficult for the last couple of years. i talked it over w/my husband a while back and told him that, hey, i can't deal w/her anymore. i have to create boundaries and need to do my own thing, etc. and he said he understood completely. so, instead of flying to their house for xmas, which we've done every year, i decided to go home to my family's house for xmas instead, and, of course my husband came with. my MIL became LIVID. she has slandered me to the entire family, saying that i've stolen her son away from her and am a bad person. she and the rest of her family have decided to have no contact w/me at all. no one has spoken to me in that family since my wedding day, which was almost 2 years ago. if they want to speak to my husband, they call him at work or on his cell phone.
what really sent me into a panic was on my husband's 30th bday a couple of months ago. MIL called him on his bday and told him all these lies! that my mom told her that we wouldn't be spending time w/MIL anymore (my mom would never in a million years say anything like that!) and that we lied to her about our phone not working so that we could sneak away to visit my parents - and they wouldn't know where we went - which is crazy! our bldg is new and they were having problems w/phone connections initially. then she was saying that i 'badmouth' her all of the time. ??? i was listening to all of this and my body went numb like my head wasn't connected to my body. i've done everything she's ever demanded, which is no fun and totally exhausting, and now that i say 'enough' and visit my own family over the holidays for once i get all of this!
so, after that phone call, and sooo many other incidents (she has tried setting up my husband w/other women (one was a teenager!) right in front of me!!! and when we visited their house and i came down w/pneumonia she made me sleep on the floor and kept insisting that i had the flu and wouldn't let anyone take me into the hospital - and i got really sick and ended up in the hospital for awhile) i've decided to cut her out of my life. i just can't take her anymore.
and now that i've set boundaries for myself she's coming on even stronger. sending weird things in the mail (to my husband's office at work because she refuses to send things here to our home) calling his cell phone and leaving bizarre messages about me. oh! i can't take it anymore!
i love my husband but this lady and her dysfunctional fam seem to be more than i can bear. it's hard to cut ILs out of your life, after all they are your husband's family. even thinking about them gives me butterflies and makes me anxious. i am not one for confrontation and/or people that hate me and are in my face all the time.
any advice? i feel that my choosing not to interact w/them directly is pretty much all i can do! even my husband is not answering her calls anymore...
My In-Laws make me anxious/panic! Help!
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Guest
I have "one of those" MIL as well. I used to have to pop benzodiazapems like Pez candies.
Now, I just have given her the cartoon character of the Charlie Brown cartoon teacher, the one that goes, BLAH BLAH BLAH, all the time! I do not let her make me feel bad about myself anymore. She has issues if she feels the need to go around and make herself feel better about herself and make other people feel beneath her. NO WAY, NOT ANYMORE!
I am too not for confrontation with family. I chose not to spend time with people that do not know how to treat others, family or not. My husband and I do not go out of the way to spend time with his mom. His dad does somethings on his own, so my husband joins him for lunch. I have even gone to meet with him for lunch, minus the MIL! I have tactfully said my peace with her, as she still tosses jabs at me. I just do not take her comments to heart anymore. I know what she is tryng to do, so I do not let it get to me anymore. When she speaks, I really do not acknowledge anything she has to say. She gets the hint. Do not let her get to you, sounds like she needs to straighten things out on her end. Getting sick over her is NOT worth it. Her opinion /thoughts of you are NOT you. Do not give her credit. It will get better. I have been in this situation for almost 11 years and it does get better. She has not, but how I see and react to her has! Warm wishes,LizB
Now, I just have given her the cartoon character of the Charlie Brown cartoon teacher, the one that goes, BLAH BLAH BLAH, all the time! I do not let her make me feel bad about myself anymore. She has issues if she feels the need to go around and make herself feel better about herself and make other people feel beneath her. NO WAY, NOT ANYMORE!
I am too not for confrontation with family. I chose not to spend time with people that do not know how to treat others, family or not. My husband and I do not go out of the way to spend time with his mom. His dad does somethings on his own, so my husband joins him for lunch. I have even gone to meet with him for lunch, minus the MIL! I have tactfully said my peace with her, as she still tosses jabs at me. I just do not take her comments to heart anymore. I know what she is tryng to do, so I do not let it get to me anymore. When she speaks, I really do not acknowledge anything she has to say. She gets the hint. Do not let her get to you, sounds like she needs to straighten things out on her end. Getting sick over her is NOT worth it. Her opinion /thoughts of you are NOT you. Do not give her credit. It will get better. I have been in this situation for almost 11 years and it does get better. She has not, but how I see and react to her has! Warm wishes,LizB
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Guest
I agree with the lady that responded to you earlier today. You cannot let people effect who you are, and how you respond. Your MIL has problems and issues that she obviously has not delt with yet, so she needs someone to focus her negative energy on, and that someone is you right now. I bet that if you begin to completely completely ignore her, like you are beginning to do, she will have no choice but to leave you alone. And, I bet she will find someone else to harrass in your family. You were courageous to go to your family's home for Xmas and not to her home. You took the first step to getting her off your back and doing something for you. Now, for you to expect her to be understanding of that and to keep her mouth shut about the situation was only wishful thinking. If she did that, then that would mean that she was adjusting to you desire. This was not the case so you just keep moving forward, and ignore her. Again, you did a good job. Don't even give her another thought.
BYE,
Linda
BYE,
Linda
I understand. Except my problem is my older sister and my grandmother. Fortunately, my in-laws are wonderful, spiritual people who believe it is very important to be what God puts in your heart.
A few years back my parents, who have a terrible marriage and constantly complain about eachother and never communicate, started to acknowledge their problems after my father had an affair. I did not condone the affair, but I did not cut my father out of my life either. I was loving and supportive of him and let him know that I wanted him to be happy. I thought him and my mom were very unhappy together. My sister and grandparents along with several other family members were very mean to me because I chose not to take sides. I was very honest with my mother. I told her I was sorry that this happened, she doesn't deserve it, but they have had a lot of serious issues and she had a lot of complaints that she would complain to me about, but refused to do anything to make it better. She started going to therapy. I visited my grandparents around that time and the whole weekend all they could talk about was how they knew my Dad was such a bad person and I should stop "taking his side". My husband even explained to them that I was not taking sides. The few minutes before I left my grandfather took me in the back and told me that I need to tell my father off - I told him I wasn't going to do that - he said, "go on, i wish you well" He died a week later. My husband was not able to go to the funeral, so I didn't go either. The situation was so stressful to me, I didn't want to face everyone without him. My family can be very mean and gossipy.
My sister called me to scream at me and tell me that everyone is mad at me and hates me. I've been outcasted since. My parents decided to reconcile, started marriage counseling, and have been working on themselves and eachother. My mother since, has been the topic of conversation. Her mother, my grandmother, refused to talk to her for a long time, now she does, but is very mean to her.
I know these people are not good people if they don't realize that I wasn't being malicious, I was doing what was in my heart. I know they all get together and talk about me (because they always have gossiped about people). I just hate having conflict in my life.
A few years back my parents, who have a terrible marriage and constantly complain about eachother and never communicate, started to acknowledge their problems after my father had an affair. I did not condone the affair, but I did not cut my father out of my life either. I was loving and supportive of him and let him know that I wanted him to be happy. I thought him and my mom were very unhappy together. My sister and grandparents along with several other family members were very mean to me because I chose not to take sides. I was very honest with my mother. I told her I was sorry that this happened, she doesn't deserve it, but they have had a lot of serious issues and she had a lot of complaints that she would complain to me about, but refused to do anything to make it better. She started going to therapy. I visited my grandparents around that time and the whole weekend all they could talk about was how they knew my Dad was such a bad person and I should stop "taking his side". My husband even explained to them that I was not taking sides. The few minutes before I left my grandfather took me in the back and told me that I need to tell my father off - I told him I wasn't going to do that - he said, "go on, i wish you well" He died a week later. My husband was not able to go to the funeral, so I didn't go either. The situation was so stressful to me, I didn't want to face everyone without him. My family can be very mean and gossipy.
My sister called me to scream at me and tell me that everyone is mad at me and hates me. I've been outcasted since. My parents decided to reconcile, started marriage counseling, and have been working on themselves and eachother. My mother since, has been the topic of conversation. Her mother, my grandmother, refused to talk to her for a long time, now she does, but is very mean to her.
I know these people are not good people if they don't realize that I wasn't being malicious, I was doing what was in my heart. I know they all get together and talk about me (because they always have gossiped about people). I just hate having conflict in my life.
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Guest
thanks everyone for your responses.
yeah, she does have probs and i shouldn't turn her problems into doubts about myself. i've been sooo nice to her and gone above and beyond to get her to be happy w/me, and i've been met w/nothing but hostility and rudeness. and now it is time to forget about her and move forward. i think the hard part is convincing myself that it wasn't anything i did or feeling really badly/anxious that i did something to anger everyone.
it's also tough because, in the past, if someone didn't like me or had a prob w/me, well, that would hurt my feelings but i didn't have to be around them/be in the same circle w/them. but w/my inlaws, since i'm married to their son, i sort of have them in my life all the time whether i want them there or not - and i SOOOOO don't want them there. argh, they just stress me out beyond anything else. everytime they call or someone tells me something that was said about me etc etc my heart starts racing and i get all sweaty and sick to my stomach.
why do people have to be such dinks? i swear that some people are happier w/conflict and falling outs all around them than they are w/harmony and happiness. it makes me sad that i married into a family that likes to create problems when i am such a conflict avoider...i think i am single-handedly keeping pepto bismol in business since i've gotten married...
yeah, she does have probs and i shouldn't turn her problems into doubts about myself. i've been sooo nice to her and gone above and beyond to get her to be happy w/me, and i've been met w/nothing but hostility and rudeness. and now it is time to forget about her and move forward. i think the hard part is convincing myself that it wasn't anything i did or feeling really badly/anxious that i did something to anger everyone.
it's also tough because, in the past, if someone didn't like me or had a prob w/me, well, that would hurt my feelings but i didn't have to be around them/be in the same circle w/them. but w/my inlaws, since i'm married to their son, i sort of have them in my life all the time whether i want them there or not - and i SOOOOO don't want them there. argh, they just stress me out beyond anything else. everytime they call or someone tells me something that was said about me etc etc my heart starts racing and i get all sweaty and sick to my stomach.
why do people have to be such dinks? i swear that some people are happier w/conflict and falling outs all around them than they are w/harmony and happiness. it makes me sad that i married into a family that likes to create problems when i am such a conflict avoider...i think i am single-handedly keeping pepto bismol in business since i've gotten married...
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Guest
Hi SGirl,
My heart goes out to you. I can definitely relate to your struggles, and yet my struggles were not as bad as yours. You have definitely been emotionally abused by this woman. There are certain people that take advantage of others striving to make them happy, knowing that they feel vulnerable. They sadly take advantage of this, which is very unfortunate.
Like you said some people just don't seem to want to get along and live in harmony with others. And you definitely don't need to feel any guilt over anything. You've tried, you know it and your hubby knows it. I hope your hubby will come to see things clearer as time goes by and come to step up for you sooner than later to let his mom know that he's on your side, for you are his wife and that's important, and that he doesn't appreciate her treating you the way she has. Believe me that will help stop the manipulation she may try to bring between you.
Any ways, I hope this may have helped. My best to you.
My heart goes out to you. I can definitely relate to your struggles, and yet my struggles were not as bad as yours. You have definitely been emotionally abused by this woman. There are certain people that take advantage of others striving to make them happy, knowing that they feel vulnerable. They sadly take advantage of this, which is very unfortunate.
Like you said some people just don't seem to want to get along and live in harmony with others. And you definitely don't need to feel any guilt over anything. You've tried, you know it and your hubby knows it. I hope your hubby will come to see things clearer as time goes by and come to step up for you sooner than later to let his mom know that he's on your side, for you are his wife and that's important, and that he doesn't appreciate her treating you the way she has. Believe me that will help stop the manipulation she may try to bring between you.
Any ways, I hope this may have helped. My best to you.
Last edited by Guest on Mon Apr 24, 2006 10:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
thanks for telling me your story. it's sad that so many people can relate to this. bleh.
yeah, she really is abusive. everyone in my fam is a major people pleaser and i've never met anyone like this before (sheltered? perhaps). it just sucks. i feel like she just decided to hate me and lives to make my life and marriage all screwed up. my husband and i get along so well, but because of MIL sometimes i feel that i can't stay in this marriage. every holiday becomes this terrible, terrible ordeal. every special occasion that comes up i have to either plan in secrecy or get totally harassed. it's to the point where i don't celebrate anything anymore because it's such a terrible situation and i end up either dealing w/a huge argument or screening my calls trying to avoid MIL. we don't have kids yet (i'd like to) but because of MIL i'm scared to have any.
i'm hoping that cutting her out of our lives will help. tho this past easter was ruined because my husband cried all afternoon because his parents don't call him on holidays. i feel badly because that would hurt my feelings too, but at the same time i feel resentment that after everything she has done, he still wants to hear from them/visit them/have a relationship w/them. we are in our early 30s now - i feel it's time for us to start our own fam and have our own lives. it's just making me question whether or not i married the right person.
this whole situation is stressing me out and causing so much anxiety. sometimes i feel like filling a suitcase full of clothes and pitching a tent out in the middle of the desert for a week just to be away from all of this unneccessary drama and turmoil. lol.
sorry for the vent. i guess it feels good to tell someone all this.
yeah, she really is abusive. everyone in my fam is a major people pleaser and i've never met anyone like this before (sheltered? perhaps). it just sucks. i feel like she just decided to hate me and lives to make my life and marriage all screwed up. my husband and i get along so well, but because of MIL sometimes i feel that i can't stay in this marriage. every holiday becomes this terrible, terrible ordeal. every special occasion that comes up i have to either plan in secrecy or get totally harassed. it's to the point where i don't celebrate anything anymore because it's such a terrible situation and i end up either dealing w/a huge argument or screening my calls trying to avoid MIL. we don't have kids yet (i'd like to) but because of MIL i'm scared to have any.
i'm hoping that cutting her out of our lives will help. tho this past easter was ruined because my husband cried all afternoon because his parents don't call him on holidays. i feel badly because that would hurt my feelings too, but at the same time i feel resentment that after everything she has done, he still wants to hear from them/visit them/have a relationship w/them. we are in our early 30s now - i feel it's time for us to start our own fam and have our own lives. it's just making me question whether or not i married the right person.
this whole situation is stressing me out and causing so much anxiety. sometimes i feel like filling a suitcase full of clothes and pitching a tent out in the middle of the desert for a week just to be away from all of this unneccessary drama and turmoil. lol.
sorry for the vent. i guess it feels good to tell someone all this.
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Guest
This is written 3 years later - are you still on the site anywhere? My heart goes out to you, I have that MIL and it is awful - especially to someone who was raised in a household whose pattern is to please ( at the cost of ourselves, perhaps? )
I hope you have found some peace around her, and you and your husband have been able to talk and realize that this is HER issue, not yours. Even is she is a loony-tune, she is still your husbands "Mom" - the one who tucked him in and held him when he cried....that's a hard thing to not feel emotional about, even if she's wacky.
What has worked for our family is that my hubby stood up for "US" and told her that he wants her to show respect for me, as his wife, and whatever madness that was going on had to stop - because he wasn't feeling any closer to his mom with her acting that way.
Meanwhile, I was doing the program and really worked on the "rightious indignation" I was feeling and thinking about. I can't change her, I can keep myself safe, speak my truth and let go. If I keep wrestling with her - even in my mind - what is that saying about wrestling with a pig? We BOTH get dirty... and the pig likes it.
My thoughts are with you - even 3 years later.
I hope you have found some peace around her, and you and your husband have been able to talk and realize that this is HER issue, not yours. Even is she is a loony-tune, she is still your husbands "Mom" - the one who tucked him in and held him when he cried....that's a hard thing to not feel emotional about, even if she's wacky.
What has worked for our family is that my hubby stood up for "US" and told her that he wants her to show respect for me, as his wife, and whatever madness that was going on had to stop - because he wasn't feeling any closer to his mom with her acting that way.
Meanwhile, I was doing the program and really worked on the "rightious indignation" I was feeling and thinking about. I can't change her, I can keep myself safe, speak my truth and let go. If I keep wrestling with her - even in my mind - what is that saying about wrestling with a pig? We BOTH get dirty... and the pig likes it.
My thoughts are with you - even 3 years later.