Stress Center Peer Support

I know this is a dicey subject.

I went through some pretty traumatic events in regards to my sexuality. I wasn't molested but it made a big impression on my self image, and self esteem. I was wondering if anyone knows if trauma in childhood alters your sexual preferences and desires. I find that what turns me on also scares me because it reminds me of those old events. How can I feel aroused by something like that?

I'd just like to know that I'm normal. I once read that kids who are spanked are more likely to like s/m.

I hope this isn't too taboo. Its out there for whoever can relate.

Hi Deb,

I cannot relate to your post but have heard of things that are traumatizing to a child, especially if it involves something sexual, can def. effect them later on in life. You usually here of it more commonly with children that are molested, they usually end up molesting children when they are adults. I also grew up by a neighbor who adopted a child who was sexually abused by her father. This girl grew up with a lot of sexual issues and psychological issues, as anyone could imagine.

Since you have not elaborated on what your issue is, I can not really give an opinion. Just that, normally things that happen to people when they are little do effect them as they get older so just know that you are not different or weird. I would def. talk to aa sex therapist, if you haven't already, to get a professional opinion as to what is going on.

Hi! I know you said that you weren't molested as a child, but I wanted to put this information out there anyway. I work with adults who were molested as children. Let me set the record straight. Being molested as a child does not make one gay nor does it mean that you will grow up to molest children. While it is true that some victims also molest children, most victims don't! This is in fact one of the biggest fears survivors have, and it's a myth!

That being said, it's perfectly normal for the molestation to affect your adult sexuality if you have not dealt with it and healed from it. It's not uncommon for survivors to have sexual and intimacy issues as adults. Some individuals prefer not to have sex, some are promiscuous.

If you were molested, please, please get counseling! This is so hard to work through on your own, and it's affected your entire life in ways that you may not have even discovered yet. You could see a private therapist, or get in touch with your local rape crisis center, which also provides counseling for adults molested as children. Also, check out the book "The Courage to Heal." I recommend it to all of my clients at the rape crisis center I work with who are adult survivors. It may help normalize a lot of stuff for you. Just remember that you are not alone!!!!

I would also be happy to chat with you and answer any questions you have as I work with individuals who have experienced sexual trauma. Good luck!

Genie

There are numerous ramifications for an adult, a former child, who was abused/molested,etc. in yrs gone by. You just don't realize the totality of these ramifications till you get help via THERAPY to heal. Before therapy, the victim is living in this STATE OF BEING - an assumed 1 - where they don't see a problem. Therapy affords them to change all that. Because each person's "facts" differ, as is each person, the ramifications or effects on the victims will vary.

There are old "wives tales" for just about everything under the sun. 1 such 1 in particular is that a victim of abuse will go on to abuse themselves - NOT TRUE. Yes, unfortunately, there are many former victims - who do not go on to to mirror the things done to them. These folks are the MAJORITY, where as those who do gone on to mirror those acts committed against them, the MINORITY. GOOD HEADLINES sell. So all we hear about are the WORST THINGS = the minority. We don't hear about the MAJORITY - those children who are now adults + who have healed + changed the cycle + are living healthier lives. They wouldn't sell magazines OR newspapers OR commercials for TV programs.

When we have un-resolved emotional issues, esp when they result fr such painful things as abuse or molestation or rape, they leave an imprint on our memory. They so frighten us, we just surpress them cause we don't want to remember, address, or feel anything having to do w/ those events. In addition, those events do have effects on us, understandably so. You see, w/o the right help via therapy or some treatment for those events, our memories + emotional self are 1 big co-mingled mess. There is no degree of separation b/w the former victim we were & the adult we are now. So never having addressed those events & all the respective emotions attached to them, emotionally we live as them. Kind of like spinning wheels. We want to heal, we fear it & don't know how.With THERAPY, you do get that degree of separation = you the victim & you the woman/man you are. THerapy affords you a healthy & safe means to face those difficult events - to unburden yourself of all the pain - so you can make room in your EMOTIONAL STORAGE for the GOOD STUFF = healing + healthier perspective on those events & you - therapy affords you the means to rid yourself of the "guilt" + "blame" + "shame" + "fear" that often accompany the former victim. Therapy affords you a safe place to GET IT ALL OUT = to face & feel these things. Most importantly, it allows you to realize IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

We are human - so, irrevalent to what your personal sexual preferences are - it is normal & healthy to have them. What happens to a victim of abuse or molestation or rape, etc is they get confused + feel embarrassment + shame + guilt for having such desires that mirror, often at times the same acts committed against them. I'm not referring to an individual thinking of being an abuser, etc - that is not normal or healthy. I AM referring to a mature adult(man or woman) having healthy sexual desires - WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE EXPERIENCED SOME TRAUMA IN THOSE SAME/EXACT AREAS. What "they", the perpetrators did WAS NOT normal/healthy. That is very important for the victim to realize & it is something gently shown in THERAPY. Therapy creates that degree of separation the victim needs. Abuse/molestation does not make you gay.

In order for that degree of separation to take place, one has to HEAL 1st. I highly, highly, highly - DID I SAY HIGHLY, lol - highly RECOMMEND THERAPY - w/ an experienced medical professional. It will help you help yourself & free yourself. I am a former victim of abuse & molestation - & prior to my anxiety disorder triggering in APR 2005 & subsequently - my getting help w/ a psychiatrist in THERAPY, I had absolutely NO CLUE WHAT SO EVER just how much those events impacted me & my mental/emotional self + me as a woman + my marriage/relationship w/ my husband. I felt I caused them + I deserved them + felt shame for them happening(actually making me physically ill) + embarrassment as an adult/married woman for having desires for those things - it made me confused.<span class="ev_code_RED">I am grown - so I will not be FRESH OR INAPPROPRIATE HERE.</span> The thing is, the trauma of those events so blinded me - I couldn't see, make sense. Therapy helped me to see better & clearer - I was only 5 yrs old when things started - up to maybe(apprx) 13 or so. I was a kid - heck, I didn't know squat about squat. Heck, I didn't even know TECHNICALLY how babies were born/created - though I tried to act cool & such. I was a baby & therapy showed me that.

I began to heal w/ therapy - so that my child w/ in healed as well - then, the woman I am now is free. Sure, there are still some little quirks I'm working out - its to be expected. However, I have come a long way. Most important NOW IS - I am in control - I am the woman LENORE, not the victim any longer. What ever desires I have - they are my own, as a healthy & married woman. There is no shame/guilt in there.

I would highly recommend therapy to you. Whatever the facts are of your story, therapy will afford you the chance to face them - sort through them - to heal fr them. Therapy will help you help yourself to clear the fog away - to clear up the confusion - so that you THE ADULT can live your life as YOU CHOOSE, W/ WHATEVER HEALTHY PREFERENCES YOU CHOOSE. Pls, I beg you to remember this: you are human - it is healthy + normal to have sexual desires.

Your Friend,

LENORE

Lenore,

Fantastic response! And congratulations on the success you've made in your healing journey!

Genie