Opening up

Sammy105 · Post by **Sammy105** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:10 pm

Hey guys, I thought I'd just express what I've been through lately, and then hopefully find out where I'm going wrong that's leading me to too much anxiety.
I've been home with parents for months now. I thought I have a panic disorder, cause that's what it started with, but I honestly think that's not a source for problems, it's the outcome of them.
When I started living with parents, I thought I'd just get my space and deal with my issues myself, at my pace. But my mom would not let that happen. She'd come down a few times a day with something to talk to me about, with a stupid smile... I hate talking like this about her, but the way she carries herself makes me want to roll my eyes at her, and I feel guilty cause I can't always help it.
My dad spends most his time scolding her for something, being mad, blaming her... he got issues. And it seemed like she made me as like a source for salvation... cause often she'd come down... and just stand there... and I'd ask what she wants, sarcastically, cause it gets annoying, and she'd get mad and tell me I've been extra cranky lately... but I don't feel that's true because when I talk to friends I'm much different.
She also sometimes touches me in ways I don't like... though it's only on border of inappropriate. She acts depressed, and it's hard to push her away. But the way she carries herself shows how little self esteem she has, and I feel like rolling my eyes and walking away most times, but tell myself not to.
I've also had a panic disorder for a while, and she knows I can't drive anywhere yet, but still asks me to join her to go places, almost pretending nothing's wrong. Feels like she lives in denial, and it makes me very mad. It doesn't seem like she's trying to help, but rather she pushes me to overcome my problems quicker cause she can't deal with them well. It's hard fighting panic and trying not to 'push her over the edge' at same time.
Also, my dad yell a lot and when he does he looks nearly demented, and I never know when he'll hit one of us. That all causes more anxiety, cause every time he talks to me I feel like telling him to shut the f up and walk away... heh. When he yells at my mom I don't know when to get inbetween before it gets violent... though it hasn't yet.
I know I can take pills, but any more specific suggestions I'd love to have. Thanks, this site's been real helpful so far

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 12:14 pm

Oh, and to add one thing - what I meant by my mom not letting me take the healing at own pace is that from the moment I started living here she's taken upon herself to deal with all my problems without my asking, telling me "I just have to deal with it" living with other people. But I'm not sure that's true, since sometimes you know what you have to do, but you don't feel like doing it when it becomes overwhelming. My mom never catches a break it seems, and she says 'you have to take all problems seriously,' but watching her I'm starting to want to almost live carelessly. Better make less money and achieve less than always be 'on top of things' and live in lottts of anxiety, I say...
Thanks for reading!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jan 03, 2008 1:09 pm

Definitely sounds like you need to move!!!!! but remember part of our condition too is blaming other people on how we feel....... Good Luck!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 4:49 am

To me, this sounds like an unhealthy living situation. It sounds like your Mom has alot of her own problems but guess what? you have enough of your own. Its not your job to "save" her. If she wants help she has to do it herself. I am in total agreement with the previous poster. You need to get out of there. When you say you're working through things at your pace are you sure you're not just wallowing in it? I've been there done that too and sometimes it can be easier to just wallow in our negative feelings than to do the hard work it takes to get better. I don't think you mentioned if you work but I think once you get back into the work force (if you aren't there already) and get your own apartment you will already start feeling better. You can do this.

sandy krahn · Post by **sandy krahn** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 8:50 am

Thanks guys, that was actually real helpful. This is much more expressive than I ever really allow myself to get, more than I even tell shrinks.
I think my goal now is to realize that one has to move on with one's life, anxiety or not. I realized that dealing directly with anxiety is pretty much fighting a ghost. Taking pills would make it harder for me to finish the book I'm trying to write... so I'll make it a goat to move out, I like that. Peace!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:13 am

Originally posted by Sammy105:
Thanks guys, that was actually real helpful. This is much more expressive than I ever really allow myself to get, more than I even tell shrinks.

You know what? I think that's something to be proud of

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:34 am

Actually. That sounds like a similar situation to my mom and I except we live together and I am okay with living with her. The only problem is, we rub off on each other. She comes home and shares all the crap she is stressed out with me which makes me crazier and I do the same with her and it makes her crazier. I also tend to do that loope thing- "What if" over and over again with things I am worried about. It sounds as though You and your mom are both rubbing off on each other- you can feel her tension and she can feel yours? maybe?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:39 am

Hey everyone I am not a computer savy person. I tried just to do a general introduction of myself yesterday and it ended up in the meds. discussion so I am not sure where to put it but here is what I wrote yesterday if anyone has any comments let me know thanks:

Hey everyone! Just thought I'd introduce myself.I recieved the program yesterday. I also tried to register yesterday and got as far as my self eval. before I got confused, frustrated, and ready to roll into a ball on the floor. I don't have a computer of my own with internet so i'll try to be on as much as I can.
I feel more relaxed today after listening to the relaxation tape and taking a nice bath with candles.
My biggest problem is that I have no confidence. Once school was over with and I had my degree I lost two jobs and it has left me feeling very overwhelmed, anxious, and I don't like a lot of my favorite activities like singing and walking dogs at the shelter. There is also a guy in my life that wants to do things with me every week and calls me several times a week. I think he is a nice guy but I feel even more overwhelmed when he wants to do things with me. If there are any suggestions to anything I have here, I know it's a lot, but I'd really appreciate it. Thanks and buy for now!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:26 am

hey sammy, glad to hear you'll be working on getting that apt. I know how important that is. My son and I had issues when he lived with us. Keep us posted as to what's happening with you. Are you doing the program?

stevecat, welcome! You are doing just fine on the computer. In the beginning when you don't know what you're doing, you may post in the wrong places. I think I did for quite a while. I was often frustrated cuz I didn't know how to get around the site. People here are great with help.Are you on any meds? Sounds like you might need an anti-depressant especially since once favorite activities are no longer holding your interest. Are you exercising? So important, especially when you least feel like it. I should talk, I'm kinda there now. Takes a while to get back in the groove after the holidays. I wish you well. Keep posting.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jan 05, 2008 12:26 pm

It's great you are able to relax and are pin pointing the reasoning why you are getting anxious in your life! Welcome to the group!