Stress Center Peer Support

Hi again,
I think I just came to a new observation on my troubled marriage. I think the one of the reasons my marriage is loveless is my wife needs to be the star. I am totally sure she does not realize this. And since I don't make her the star or the controller our marriage suffers.

I remember when she first met our family. She would go on and on to my mother about herself. I doubt she realizes she is this way but I have seen it.

She always puts the blame on me. She is incapable of seeing the things she does.

I got back from a party and saw how happy my friends were- how nice they kept their houses. I got back sad. I said this to my wife. She said "Well they don't blow up" as if to say it's my fault.

I'm drained by her.

bummer...

When I started this program, I wouldn't have given my marriage very long I was so tired of being married, and expected to do every thing: have a 4 cores meal on the table 6-12-6 have the house clean, and decorated constantly, with no help this house is 40x100 and I was 55 I was getting tired my Dr. had just give me 3-6 months to live. my Holistic Dr. had just given me a book Stressed-out on your way to Burn-out, I had totally had it, and he had no clue. I "never cried in front of him". I read books like the 5 Love languages of Love, I knew his was "acts of service" I had picked up after him for 30 years. I to noticed before we got married he was quiet! but I love him more than me. and I beat my self in to his image.
I ended up going to this program as a last resort before I left him. I was amazed just like Lucinda says "I am the only one I can change" but because I was changing, he changed! it was like my changing gave him permission to open up and start talking to me. I learned the formula for respect from MaryKMuller.com "Taking Care of ME the Habits of Happiness" I started using that, and in a few months he picked up on that and he to was using it. it is a simple formula
"When You.... (did what you did, or said what you said) remember never to attack with "you never or you always stay in the moment"
"I feel/felt....(sad, hurt,annoyed, broken etc.)
"Because...... working through these statements helped me realized what I was doing to him! and that I wasn't so perfect either.
" Therefor (is optional, never use this ending unless you are totally prepared to see it through) the next time this happens I am gong to......
Today I have the marriage I always dreamed of with the the man I have and always will love more than me. We are working together to make this the best life we could ever have.
Oh I too believed I had made a big mistake marrying him, I to though I could surely leave and find Mr. perfect. (he doesn't exist, and believe me you are not perfect either) Believe me wherever you go and who ever you are with you are still part of the equation, and there is the problem do your self a favor, and stick it out, at least while you get yourself fixed, so you aren't looking for the same problem the next time around. Attitude is every thing! the Bible tells the woman to honor your husband and respect him, but it goes on to say Husbands love your wives AS JESUS LOVED the church (us) and remember He DIED for us. in a marriage there is allot of dieing to self to do. on both sides, or you can never become one. but REMEMBER Lucinda tells us we can only make our own choices in life, we CAN NOT make choices for any one else!
I found when I changed and became a better me! he also changed at his speed, and became a much better him. Good Luck and God Bless your life!

cfe,
Thank you for your excellent reply. It made a whole lot of sense.

You are on the right track, be patient with yourself and others, especially others they will not understand the change at first, I know when my mother in law started liking me after 30 years of hating me, it was difficult for me to allow her to change, I kept expecting the old her to catch me off guard, that will happen too, hang in there you can do it "Adapt preserver & overcome" USMC And You will better for it, every one will!

Absolutely fantastic advice! We can use it in all of our relationships not just our marriages.

I have to agree with cfe. Before this program my fiance and I were fighting a lot. I came home from work everyday with a bad, stressed attitude. I was irritated when I found he hadn't done the 'chores' I expected him to do simply because it seemed obvious to me they needed to be done. After a week or so of this, I would break down crying and tell him I didn't feel loved. I was constantly seeking compliments from him also. Well, I'm on week 10 and proud to say this is no longer the case. I choose to come home happy and leave my work stress at work. I no longer fish for compliments because I feel good about myself..I don't need his recognition. I was able to sit down and talk rationally about the housework and now he is great at taking care of that stuff while I'm at work. We are both nicer to each other and more affectionate. After all, it's easier to be lovey when one or both of you isn't acting a fool. It did feel like he changed too...but what realize now is that he is finally able to be himself. When I stopped nagging, he was finally about to relax and isn't worried about me going off on him anymore. This program is not only giving me back my self-confidence and self-love...but it is giving me a better, healthier relationship with my fiance.