Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 7:22 pm
well i just thought i'd tell my story of how I got anxiety and how its affected me the past four years. see if anyone can relate. names zack, I'm from california. I recently just turned 22 and I've been battling anxiety and some depression for the past four years.
Started back in september of 2005. I was just an average 17 year old just starting out my senior year in highschool. NO anxiety or no fears or thoughts consumed my mind at all. I was athletic, played football and baseball. Starting my junior year I started getting into the partying scene. drinking alchohol, smoking cigarretes, ect. . I didn't end up playing football my junior year, stuck with baseball but cut off football, the partying had alot to due with that decision. Well had just got through my first week of school as a senior. that saturday night i went out with my brother and some friends to an orchard party. Was pretty much my first party like that I went to. consumed alchohol, smoked some weed(which i was barely familiar with), just had a real fun time. stayed at my buddies house and woke up next morning like any other day, headed back home in the afternoon. when i got back in town, me and my brother decided to get some weed to take home and try to smoke, still to this day I don't know why we did. my friend ended up gettin it off his pal and me and my brother took it home, rolled to joints and decided to smoke outside. This was my first time I attempted smoking weed sober, me and my brother smoked a small joint to ourselfs. I remember taking alot of hits of it. So we end up going inside, as soon as i get in my house, I start to feel this weird sensation, I figured it was just the sensation of being high coming into affect. but it was real uncomfortable feeling. my vision got real blurry, this is when I believe i started to panic. I couldn't breathe or stay still. my throat started to close up, I couldn't swallow. I could hear my heart beating really loud in my ears. I told my brother to get my dad up from bed and call 911, i was tripping so bad, thought i was dying. As my vision got real blurrier and my heart beat getting slower and slower, i thought it was the end. my brother and dad were right there with me on the couch trying to help me, but i literally felt my heart beat till I pretty much thought it was'nt beating anymore, to which I regained my breathing and felt my chest untighten and my heartrate beat again, and my vision came back. the paramedics showed up right when I snapped out of it. they ended up taking me to the ER, ran some tests, did ekg, everything was normal . sent me home. was a real scary experience. for the next 3 months, I ended up back to the ER two more times. I started reading up on symptoms to certain things like heart attacks and strokes, and I know that reading up on those symptoms would provoke me to trip out if i felt smething even close to that. for the next three years, I had my occasional anxiety. I still drank but didn't smoke anymore. But I'd notice that after a night of drinking, the next day my anxiety was real high, would feel real uncomfortable in my chest. I'd know what i'd be getting myself into every time i decided i wanted to go out and drink, but i knew all I had to do was get through those 24 hours the next day and i'd feel better after. I had that thought in the back of my head that my anxiety seemed to be fueld by drinking alchohol and whenever i decided to stop that the anxiety would stop. but i still drank and still got the anxiety, smetimes small panic attacks.
I lived that lifestyle all the way up until april 25th, 2009. That night I decided I wanted to drink again. I started around 5, drank some beers, beers led to whiskey. whiskey lead to vodka . was wayy more than i was use to when i drank. I guess I had ended up passing out on smeones bed, told me they thought i was dead, really got to me the next day when I woke up at 3pm. I had my usual uncomfortable feeling an hangover but figured it was like all the others. ate some pizza for dinner, then that night, i started to feel really uncomfortable and anxious, anxious to where you feel your going to freak out and have to keep moving from one room to the other because your so panicky. I went outside and tried to get some air, still didnt help. I knew something wasn't right this time. my chest was feeling real uneasy. couldn't catch my breathe. was literally freaking out, hugging my mom and dad telling them im scarred and all this other stuff. laid down on the ground tried to get comfortable and realized my left arm was going numb. this is what did it for me, i freaked out so bad, sat down in the same chair i sat in the first time i had a panic attack this huge. both my arms literally went numb, feet were too. i really thought i was done for this time, looked at my brother an just shook my head like i was done for, really really scarey. paramedics came, hooked me up to a machine, checkin my heartrate, i was just trying to hang in there and stay calm. they took me in the ambulence once again , set me up to a machine, i was still really freaked out, heartrate wwas in the mid 100's, was soo scarred. the ambulence wasn't driving fast, lights werent on, they mustve saaw this a bunch of times. I'm here thinking im dying and there just keepin calm like its smething they've seen before. I waited in the er for almost 3-4 hours, going back and forth to calm to panicky to calm to back to panicky. doctor saw me, gave me a tiny white pill, which i found out was ativan, then took my blood pressure and heartrate. since my heartrate was still so high, the doc wanted to do more tests and put me in a room in the back. in there they did another ekg test. took my blood work, did a chest x-ray, gave me another white pill and sent me home. went back to my check up a couple days later, everything was fine from the tests they took. prescribed me .5 mg of ativan to take 2x a day, a heartrate pill once a day. From that day on I decided I'm never going to drink again. Never wanted to go through that experience again and I figured it was the alchohol that was doing it to me.
From that day in april of this year till now, I've had anxiety pretty much everyday. I never have drank again since that day but still I get anxiety all the time. Depression was added with the anxiety as well. It seemed as if when I had the first major panic attack, It put fear into and brought all this anxiety and fear into me. when it happend the second time, it just double the anxiety I had before. I haven't had a job since may of 08, i have no car, not that much money, I live with my parents, I know those are causes of some of the anxiety and depression i have still to this day, but I just wish I had health insurance and worked and had money so I can get some more help with my anxiety. I take ativan but that's pretty much all I have to help me with it. I need to start getting more active and eat better which i hope can help me feel better. but im just tired of always feeling scared and not normal . im afraid to go long distances, do things i use to and i just want my old life back. im 22 years old and feel like im going on 80. appreciate anyone who actually took the time to read this, but just wanted to write it out from start to now for once. got a little anxiety from just reliving it. thanks
Started back in september of 2005. I was just an average 17 year old just starting out my senior year in highschool. NO anxiety or no fears or thoughts consumed my mind at all. I was athletic, played football and baseball. Starting my junior year I started getting into the partying scene. drinking alchohol, smoking cigarretes, ect. . I didn't end up playing football my junior year, stuck with baseball but cut off football, the partying had alot to due with that decision. Well had just got through my first week of school as a senior. that saturday night i went out with my brother and some friends to an orchard party. Was pretty much my first party like that I went to. consumed alchohol, smoked some weed(which i was barely familiar with), just had a real fun time. stayed at my buddies house and woke up next morning like any other day, headed back home in the afternoon. when i got back in town, me and my brother decided to get some weed to take home and try to smoke, still to this day I don't know why we did. my friend ended up gettin it off his pal and me and my brother took it home, rolled to joints and decided to smoke outside. This was my first time I attempted smoking weed sober, me and my brother smoked a small joint to ourselfs. I remember taking alot of hits of it. So we end up going inside, as soon as i get in my house, I start to feel this weird sensation, I figured it was just the sensation of being high coming into affect. but it was real uncomfortable feeling. my vision got real blurry, this is when I believe i started to panic. I couldn't breathe or stay still. my throat started to close up, I couldn't swallow. I could hear my heart beating really loud in my ears. I told my brother to get my dad up from bed and call 911, i was tripping so bad, thought i was dying. As my vision got real blurrier and my heart beat getting slower and slower, i thought it was the end. my brother and dad were right there with me on the couch trying to help me, but i literally felt my heart beat till I pretty much thought it was'nt beating anymore, to which I regained my breathing and felt my chest untighten and my heartrate beat again, and my vision came back. the paramedics showed up right when I snapped out of it. they ended up taking me to the ER, ran some tests, did ekg, everything was normal . sent me home. was a real scary experience. for the next 3 months, I ended up back to the ER two more times. I started reading up on symptoms to certain things like heart attacks and strokes, and I know that reading up on those symptoms would provoke me to trip out if i felt smething even close to that. for the next three years, I had my occasional anxiety. I still drank but didn't smoke anymore. But I'd notice that after a night of drinking, the next day my anxiety was real high, would feel real uncomfortable in my chest. I'd know what i'd be getting myself into every time i decided i wanted to go out and drink, but i knew all I had to do was get through those 24 hours the next day and i'd feel better after. I had that thought in the back of my head that my anxiety seemed to be fueld by drinking alchohol and whenever i decided to stop that the anxiety would stop. but i still drank and still got the anxiety, smetimes small panic attacks.
I lived that lifestyle all the way up until april 25th, 2009. That night I decided I wanted to drink again. I started around 5, drank some beers, beers led to whiskey. whiskey lead to vodka . was wayy more than i was use to when i drank. I guess I had ended up passing out on smeones bed, told me they thought i was dead, really got to me the next day when I woke up at 3pm. I had my usual uncomfortable feeling an hangover but figured it was like all the others. ate some pizza for dinner, then that night, i started to feel really uncomfortable and anxious, anxious to where you feel your going to freak out and have to keep moving from one room to the other because your so panicky. I went outside and tried to get some air, still didnt help. I knew something wasn't right this time. my chest was feeling real uneasy. couldn't catch my breathe. was literally freaking out, hugging my mom and dad telling them im scarred and all this other stuff. laid down on the ground tried to get comfortable and realized my left arm was going numb. this is what did it for me, i freaked out so bad, sat down in the same chair i sat in the first time i had a panic attack this huge. both my arms literally went numb, feet were too. i really thought i was done for this time, looked at my brother an just shook my head like i was done for, really really scarey. paramedics came, hooked me up to a machine, checkin my heartrate, i was just trying to hang in there and stay calm. they took me in the ambulence once again , set me up to a machine, i was still really freaked out, heartrate wwas in the mid 100's, was soo scarred. the ambulence wasn't driving fast, lights werent on, they mustve saaw this a bunch of times. I'm here thinking im dying and there just keepin calm like its smething they've seen before. I waited in the er for almost 3-4 hours, going back and forth to calm to panicky to calm to back to panicky. doctor saw me, gave me a tiny white pill, which i found out was ativan, then took my blood pressure and heartrate. since my heartrate was still so high, the doc wanted to do more tests and put me in a room in the back. in there they did another ekg test. took my blood work, did a chest x-ray, gave me another white pill and sent me home. went back to my check up a couple days later, everything was fine from the tests they took. prescribed me .5 mg of ativan to take 2x a day, a heartrate pill once a day. From that day on I decided I'm never going to drink again. Never wanted to go through that experience again and I figured it was the alchohol that was doing it to me.
From that day in april of this year till now, I've had anxiety pretty much everyday. I never have drank again since that day but still I get anxiety all the time. Depression was added with the anxiety as well. It seemed as if when I had the first major panic attack, It put fear into and brought all this anxiety and fear into me. when it happend the second time, it just double the anxiety I had before. I haven't had a job since may of 08, i have no car, not that much money, I live with my parents, I know those are causes of some of the anxiety and depression i have still to this day, but I just wish I had health insurance and worked and had money so I can get some more help with my anxiety. I take ativan but that's pretty much all I have to help me with it. I need to start getting more active and eat better which i hope can help me feel better. but im just tired of always feeling scared and not normal . im afraid to go long distances, do things i use to and i just want my old life back. im 22 years old and feel like im going on 80. appreciate anyone who actually took the time to read this, but just wanted to write it out from start to now for once. got a little anxiety from just reliving it. thanks