Stress Center Peer Support

I think my commitment phobia has hit it's high point. I am 26 years old, still a virgin, and in the best relationship I could have ever asked for. My boyfriend and I have now been together for 5 months and he is the perfect guy for me. He is funny, fun, interesting, my best friend, and I have never felt like I could be more honest with anyone...especially since he puts up with my anxiety...and well. I feel like it's a pattern with me. When I look back at all of the major times I had anxiety since I first took this program and thought I was over it, it has always been when I have been in a relationship and felt like it was getting close to that point of me losing my virginity...these are the times that I really start becoming a hypochondriac as well.
With Travis things are much more serious, and I have actually been taking the pill since June (Microgestin 1.5/30), having a feeling I knew our relationship would end up going somewhere. Since then, everytime I thought it was going to happen, I would have a freak out anxiety attack...generally hypochondriac-like...for example, I got a pain in my legs the first time I had planned on having sex with him, and I naturally thought it was a blood clot forming. Once the weekend passed and we didn't have sex, my pains mysteriously disappeared.
Anyway, these minor uneasy anxiety attacks have started turning into full-fledged panic attacks. Now I'm thinking I should either just have sex with him, or break up with him (this is the only thing I haven't been honest with him about because I know dumping this guy would be completely irrational, because I really don't think either of us would be able to find someone so perfect for ourselves). When I look at pictures of us together, for the past 2 weeks, it has been freaking me out. I am also getting sick which doesn't help. In addition to this, Travis is putting absolutely NO pressure on me to have sex with him. He is actually 12-years older than me, and loves me so much that he doesn't care how long we wait...he really is the perfect guy for me. It's almost as if I want to be unhappy.
The past few days I haven't slept (4 to be exact), and I am taking today off of work, and told my boss and HR person about my anxiety issues, so I hope they are understanding. I am sitting in bed right now, typing, and can barely keep my eyes open, but I know the second I turn off the light I am going to go into panic mode again. I am trying to listen to the CDs, but I have listened to them so many times I feel like I am no longer receptive to them. The Relaxation CD helps for about 5 minutes, until all of my scary and what-if thoughts pop into my head. I can't eat...and I am freaking out about the Prevacid I just started taking for acid reflux, in addition to the Levaquin prescription I refuse to take for my sickness, because I don't feel that sick and I am terrified of the stuff. I have taken .25 mg of Xanax for the past 3 nights, and am contemplating taking it today as well, but I am horrible with taking medicine. I really feel absolutely hopeless right now..
I really need help, and any advice you have would be great.

Hi Dazed,

Was thinking of birth control this morning after I saw a commercial on TV.Thinking about all the complications that go with it not to mention how it changes a woman's body chemistry to prevent you from getting pregnant.Took the time to read your post.Listen From a not too older guy's objective point of view.#1 Don't think you have dated long enough at all to have sex with this guy.#2 Sex out of marriage can really cause trust issues down the road,well known in the world of psychology.# 3 If you get pregnant even with the pill in your system then how are you going to resolve your emotional situation with a baby or abortion on the way ?
#4 Who say's the guy's going to stay with you after # 3 happens !

Just some things for you to really think about,not to be mean ,but in a spirit of caring.

Sincerely,Sit

Have you thought about couples counseling. If you guys care about each other that much and want to be together, what can it hurt be honest with him and tell him what you have just told us. If he truly cares about you he will understand and work through it. best of luck.

Sit,
Thanks for replying. I am somewhat worried that the birth control is what has been causing all of these issues. I started getting anxiety again back in August when I had been on it only 2 months. In answers to your questions.
#1 I actually feel like this is the right person. He is really is my first love and my best friend. I think I am more afraid of feeling like if I have sex I will lose my youthfulness, individuality, and become like everyone else. One of my biggest problems is that I have let my virginity define me. I am 26, and I feel like I am ready, and he and I have actually been best friends since April, so I have no trust issues with him whatsoever.
#2. I am actually a hippie liberal and don't really want to get married. I would be completely content with spending the rest of my life with Travis. I have seen too many marriages fall apart because of the marriage to want that. I actually don't think I could have trust issues with this guy. He even tells me when a girl he dated sent him a myspace.com message. I swear, this is not just me being starry-eyed and blinding myself...he really is a wonderful person and my best friend. He actually told me that HE'S not against the idea of marriage again, and I'm the one who told him that terrifies me. Maybe down the road, but not for a long time down the road.
#3 I am a hippie liberal, but I don't think I could have an abortion, and the funny thing is, I am less afraid of getting pregnant than I am of losing my virginity. Especially if it's with him.
#4 Again, this guy is my best friend. We talk constantly, spend every moment together that we can, are 100% honest with each other. If he left, I have a feeling it would be a mutual decision. He actually has a son with his ex wife (the divorce was amicable because they just fell out of love), and loves that little boy with every ounce of his being.

He is not the problem. Again, he said that the not having sex doesn't bother him, and he has NEVER pressured me. My own brain is the problem trying to tell me to hold onto something just because I've had it so long and I don't know what life is like without it.

Don't worry Sit, not trying to get defensive at all and definitely appreciate your post, just trying to let you know what the reality of the relationship is.

Plate,
I don't think we need to go through couple's counseling because this is entirely my issue. The only part I haven't really voiced to him is that sometimes my absolute fear of losing my virginity period makes me want to end the relationship... though I may tell him that because I think he would understand and not get upset with me. Actually, writing about all of this makes me realize how much I really do love him.

I think I have a phobia of commitment and a phobia of sex, and am lucky enough to have met someone that will support me and deal with me until I get over it. I just need to figure out how to get over it. Considering this is my longest relationship, it took me a long time to even feel comfortable with calling him my boyfriend.

I think I just need to grow up and get over it, but it is easier said than done in most cases.

Dazed & Confused,

I was almost 22 before my boyfriend (fiance now) and I decided to have sex. We had been dating since I was 18. Despite the fact that he was a virgin at the time also, he was not nervous at all. I on the other hand was more like you. I obsessed over the decision because I was so used to be 'the virgin'. I was convinced my entire self-identity would have to be redefined and I wasn't ready for that. So, we waiting...and waiting and waited. Then, one day, sorta out of the blue...I was ready. Sure I was nervous because neither of us knew what the hell we were doing but all those obsessive thoughts no longer matter.

So, I know this isn't really a great solution...but I really recommend listening to your body and mind. Love is wonderful, but it can seriously distort your perceptions. Wait. Give it more time. It sounds like your boyfriend is a very patient dude, just like my fiance (which is a real blessing for people like us). But just because he's the right guy, doesn't mean it's the right time. Try focusing on growing this relationship, keeping it healthy (not spending 100% of your time together), keeping it honest and when you are ready...you'll know. I have to agree with Sit-N-Spin, though you are in love and you two have found your perfect match, you haven't been together long enough. Don't rush it.

I am soooo glad I waited. My fiance was NOT my first love...and I THANK GOD I didn't rely on 'love' as the signal that I was ready for sex. My first love turned out to be a total lame-o who got his next girlfriend pregnant, married her 3 years later, only to leave her and his daughter for another woman within 4 months from their nuptuals. Love is most definitely NOT the reason to have sex. Being committed and READY. I'm very fortunate to have made some good decisions and am proud to say my fiance is the only man I have been with and I'm the only woman he has been with.

Also, just so you know. After you are ready and you do 'go all the way'...nothing about YOU changes. In fact, if you are anything like me, the sex isn't what you remember the most clearly. What you remember in vivid detail, is that afterwards...you felt distinctly...well, the SAME.

Our sex-obsessed culture really gives you the impression that it is a life changing event...it's not. Don't get me wrong, it can be a beautiful expression of love and commitment. But it's just sex.

Give it more time. You'll know when you are ready. Don't try to force it, being anxious will most definitely make the experience more than emotionally painful.

If you need to talk more...feel free to private message me.

goodwillchic