Stress Center Peer Support

Hello everyone,

It is difficult for me to write this and it is very emotional to me. This is the first time I share it with strangers so I feel a sort of ashamed, yet hopeful for good suggestions. I am 23, male.

I came to a conclusion that the bane of my life so far has been romantic relationships. All the times I became depressed in my life was because of something to do with a relationship, even though at times it evolved into existential problems, which made things quite confusing and even more difficult.

My problem sort of resembles the pastor’s obsession thoughts with marrying the “right” woman in lesson 2, but in my case its not about marriage and it depresses me more rather than making me anxious. What would happen is first I would get a negative thought, such as: Do I “really” like her? Is she pretty “enough”? Is she smart enough? Is she right for me? Would my family like her? Are we just wasting time? Although I could help a little with self talk, this these thoughts/fears would keep coming back, until I started thinking that perhaps I really DON’T like her or that I’ve been lying to myself about liking her all this time or that all this self talk is me just lying to myself, etc. Then of course this turns into a confusing viscous circle where one moment I am ok but the next moment I am filled with so much doubt that I make myself sick (I have vomited because of this before). I start being unable to enjoy my time with my partner (the present moment is basically gone) and I start getting very depressed about my situation, thinking that I am so pathetic, that I am going to ruin our happiness, and that others will think of me bad (especially her friends/relatives), and no one is to blame but me and my weakness.

Now that this pattern occurred in my last three relationships, I just don’t know anymore what to do and how to fix it. I am afraid of starting a relationship now; just thinking about being with someone makes me go through some of those thoughts/feelings. The things is I genuinely want to have a relationship, to be able to give someone all I have, and to be confident about loving them. I read some posts on these forums about relationship problems like mine, but they all seem pretty confident in their love for their partner. I just don’t understand why I can’t do it…

Does anyone else feel/has felt this way? It would be very nice to find someone with a similar problem finally. But please to give suggestions anyway, from life experience, from the program (perhaps which lessons to focus on), perhaps some sample answers to these negative thoughts; really anything would help.

Thanks,
Karl

PS: The reason I chose to vent these days is because my most recent ex, whom I still thought about, just got engaged…sigh…

Karl

I am so sorry that you are struggling with these questions. Relationships are a very hard thing but if you get it right it can be wonderfull.

First I have to say I am lucky I did find that special someone to marry and have children with. We have been married for 15 years now. I cant and wont tell you that we are in BLISS all the time but we are making it work.

I would have to say that you need to reassess your expecations and put them back into perspective. There never will be that perfect someone....there never will be that person that fits the mold just as you see it. When you are setting your expectation so high it will be very very difficult to achieve it.

People have flaws all of us. we arent all liked by everyone and we dont always do the right things all the time but thats what makes us unique. If we were all the same and did all the same things it would be very boring.

I think you have to find in your search a good person. Someone who gives you butterflies when you are with them, someone you can see spending time with because you genuinely like them and when you find that person you build on the relationship.

Life can be over in the blink of an eye and I would suggest that you stop searching for that perfect person and enjoy the company of the women in your life and try to make that connection so that you can live your life to the fullest.

I would suggest you do really listen to the lesson on expectations.....if you have already done it do it again if you havent it might be good to get to it as fast as you can.....

Good luck to you.
Dodger

Hi Karl,

I AM SO WITH YOU! I have been wanting to post this exact topic but was having a really hard time 'explaining it' you did it perfectly. You are very well written!

I think sessions 3 and 4 would help for sure! 3- positive self talk and 4- expectations.. sounds like your expectations may be what is getting you down. If they are too high for all these partners than of course, you are being disappointed within them.. however, I believe it is important to be 'good' within yourself before you can be good within a relationship. I am always struggling with this one!

Currently I am in a relationship resembling marriage (3-4 years now) and I am seriously considering the move. I have met someone else who adores me to no end (much older however and has kids/baggage) nonetheless Im not escaping to be with him but I feel as though god has shown me what kind of man I could have. I am not 'unhappy' in my current relationship but could be happier for sure.. am I ever going to be happy? I ask myself this continuously! I feel your frustration! again, i would focus on 4 and even 2 if your panic attacks make you that sick.. learn to kick a couple 'bad habits' and i think you'll be surprised.

I used to blame everyone byt myself.. and last night I had a revelation (i have been working hard on loving me and building self pride) and has been going ok. But im off my meds and there is no depression.. I thought wow i have been feeling 'less beat up' lately, and I asked myself who is the mean person who keeps me down? and BAM it hit me- its ME! big discovery..

Try not to put sooo much pressure on finding that mate. Just go with the flow, love yourself and things will fall into place for you, I promise!

Keep working the program- dont forget about your engaged ex- everything happens for a reason and when god shuts a door he always opens a window.. have faith!

Please keep in touch and PM if needed ever!

Thanks for your replies Dodger and Maeggie,

Maeggie, I am glad someone can relate. My partners too loved me dearly, which unfortunately at times made this whole thing even more frustrating. I also agree with you, being comfortable with oneself is necessary for a good relationship, though not sufficient.

I was thinking some more about this, and I realized although I loved talking to my girlfriend on the phone or hanging out with her and other friends/family, I had a hard time spending time with her alone. Now that I think about it, the reason is that I had high expectations for the way I FELT about her in a particular situation, and I would spend time in my head analyzing what/why I am feeling a certain way instead of enjoying her presence. After all, I am "supposed" to be feeling mushy instead of anxious, happy instead of frustrated, fulfilled and confident instead of doubtful. Any negative thoughts about my partner could really set me off into doubt and eventually disappointment in myself. I guess I am just so used to being analytical about everything that I have a hard time fully enjoying such an event, and I am too hard on myself when I don't enjoy it.

So I leave with a question to Dodger and others:
Do you ever find yourself looking at our life/partner/kids and think that you could be happier elsewhere or you're falling out of love or you want to get out? Even for a split second? If not, well I think that is great and I am happy for you, but if you do (or for a moment suppose you do), what would you tell yourself at such a moment? Is it just a negative thought? Or is it the "real you" trying to break free? How would you handle such a situation? I, for example, can make decisions very well if they are analytical in nature or are "no big deal", but this seems to be neither, and is very difficult for me.

Many thanks to all.

Karl

Hi Karl,

No need for thanks! I copied your question on to a new thread b.c. I was curious of the same question too and sometimes new threads get more action.. check it out under "relationship doubts, fears etc."

I hope we get some help! best wishes!