Stress Center Peer Support

I have been with my girlfriend or 2 years this coming August 5th! Its been awesome! But the downside of it is her mother, shes 60 this september and my gf is 27 with an 11 year old son. They all live in the same house which is owned by my girlfriend. Kristin, thats my girlfriend, her father passed away 4 years ago and she was very close to him, so she hasn't taken it too good. Her mother is the total opposite, she is honestly the most miserable 60 year old woman I have ever met! I try to help out around here and its like she is judging my move, I feel it constantly when she is around and my stress and anxiety shoots through the roof! I dont know what to do about it, I mean at this very moment she is outside and her grouchy presence is felt to the ultimate! Can someone relate or have some good advice for me? It would be much appreciated! Thank you!

Brett

Hi there,
I can't really relate, never been in your shoes. I'd need to know what particular issues she has with you. My hunch tells me that your gf's mother has separation issues, that she feels her daughter is... somehow closer to you now than to her, and maybe taking it out on you. Sadly, it happens time to time. Based on her grouchiness, she probably doesn't think much of herself, and just attacks whoever she 'finds a threat,' so could be you.
If you want to get through this ok, then you'll have to start believing that your nervous system is strong enough to deal with her, or to create an environment where you don't have to deal with her so much.
To survive, mentally, in such an environment, my friend, you'll have to put more emphasis on staying healthy. The healthier you are, the less her mother will be able to 'get to you.' Drink more juice, etc. And if possible, try not to return her negativity with similar attitude - that's what she pro-lly wants and feeds on. Misery... likes company.
Otherwise, if you have a therapist, tell him or her all the complaints this woman has to you, and how to best respond. Or, answer to this post with them, we'll try to help ya Good luck!!!

This does sound like a really tough situation. I have gotten much help in dealing with my reactions to difficult people through the Alanon Program whether or not the person bugging me is a drinker or not. The program teaches one to focus primarily on one's own life. health, and recovery. You must have Lucinda Barretts tapes--sounds like that's a good place to start, developing a support network of friends or support group and your own interests and activities helps too. Also focusing on quality time with your girlfriend and continuing to build strong relationship with her helpful too. Best Wishes, Jan Emily

Session 4 on expectations has been extremely beneficial for me in my relationship with my mother. I have never been able to do anything to please her, and she criticizes me often. The pattern my whole life has been to argue with her and try to get her to acknowledge my point of view.

In learning to lower my expectations of people and also myself, I figured out that it didn't matter what she thought of me - but that it matters what I think of me. Now when she starts in on me, I just don't react or respond. Takes the wind right out of her sails since I give her nothing to work with - and it makes me a lot calmer and less anxious.

Just another reason this program is so awesome!

Hi!

Do you think maybe your girlfriend's Mother feels you are a threat to her security? I am 62 so I can relate. If the house is your girlfriend's and you and she decide to get married, have a family, whatever, she is a fifth wheel isn't she? She may feel that way now. She may feel lonely, without her husband, and she may feel her security of living with her daughter and grandson is in jeopardy.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about this? It may be best to just have a family meeting, and get it all out in the open. Everyone feels insecure if they suffer from anxiety so I'm sure you can understand that its difficult to be 60 and a widow, and alone. I think some reassurance that you aren't a threat to her may allow her to realize that she can also be a friend with you.

My son and his wife are both my kids. I adore them both, and I regularly stand up for either one of them. We have often talked of living together which would be awesome, it's just that I am too independent and might feel I have to give up some of my freedom.

I hope this helps a little.

Blessings,
Jackie

Hello everyone that posted to my topic! Thank you very much for all your support on this topic and I have taken everyones' advice into consideration! Its going to take time for me but I know that I have to realize that my girlfriends mother is just who she is and there is no way in changing her and the only thing I can change is the way I interpret each situation as it happens in a positive way and not a negative. I plan on being with my girlfriend for the rest of my life and I am going to have to get use to being around her mother for she will more then likely be the grandmother of my children some day. I have to show her that I am not a threat to her and that I am only here to help her and my girlfriends son jeremy as well as my girlfriend, which goes without saying obviously.
I have yet to sit down and do the program and give it my undivided attention. I have an issue with coffee that I need to overcome, I find happiness with my cup of coffee each day but thats a whole other topic. I will post on that as well so be ware and give me some tips!

Thank you to everyone! God bless!