Stress Center Peer Support

Guys,

I believe I've had a minor relapse. I just started dealing with Anxiety and Depression in July of this year. I had a heart attack scare (not an actual attack, just a scare). But that initiated such a fear, that I had a couple of deep depressive episodes in August. It was horrible and scary. I had thoughts I NEVER thought I'd EVER have. That's how bad it was.

In mid/late September I got on Ativan (0.5mg) and Lexapro (10mg). Through the rest of September, October, November, and up until yesterday. I felt good most days. The last 3-4 weeks I felt great! I felt so good (read normal) through mid/late November, that I just stopped taking the meds. It wasn't a conscious thing, it just sort of happened. Then yesterday, I went to lunch with my wife and some friends, and started recounting what had happened to me over the summer. Well, the bad memories first started to trickle back, then it seemed like I couldn't stop them. I started obsessing with wondering whether "it" was coming back after having gone 3 months with virtually nothing. Through the evening yesterday it got a little worse, then leveled off and started to recede. This was normal as nighttimes are always my best times for some reason.

This morning I woke up and could tell that "it" was there. Not in a huge way, but definitely present. So I cracked. Actually, I was so concerned last night that I cracked then and took my daily dose (10mg) of Lexapro. This morning I felt very anxious so I took the Ativan.

Anyway, I'm somewhat down now for having cracked and giving in to the meds. It was only a couple of months, but I thought I was done with them, but the fear of those depressive episodes was looming large over me. I NEVER want to experience anything like that again. That fear is what drove me to the meds. My wife is glad I did it, but it really bugs me that I gave in. I just want all this stuff (anxiety, depression, & meds)to be gone.

First of all, you are not a failure. You are human and you are afraid. The great thing is that you know what triggered your attack. However, you did not mention anything at all about using the skills that you have learned in the program. Perhaps deep breathing, muscle tension/relaxation, or imagery could have helped. Positive self talk. "I've been through this before, it's only anxiety. I will be okay".

I am a nurse practitioner and depression after heart attacks has been well-documented. You are not alone. If the meds helps take them, but stay with the program. You are regressing back into "What if"/negative thinking. We all want it to go away. But it will only go away if you let it.

Debbie

Mike -

I can only imagine how scary your heart problems must have been for you and your family. I'm glad to hear that you made it through that!

You didn't say for sure, but I would tend to feel that stress and anxiety played a large part in your cardiac situation? Logically then...wouldn't it follow that doing whatever you can to avoid that stress and anxiety would be a good idea to keep you from another episode? I know you don't want to be on the meds - and I totally get that desire - but for right now, please try not to see yourself as weak or a failure. You are succeeding by being kind to your heart! If it takes a little more help than you can muster yourself right now - so what? It's OK. Later on you won't need this, but right now - it/they are just an aid to help you get through. Also - and I don't know about this for a fact so you may want to check with a pharmacist or your doctor - but aren't there relatively harsh side effects of going OFF the meds cold turkey sometimes? Maybe that contributed to your elevated stress levels???

Just remember - you CAN defeat "it." "It" is one dimensional smoke and mirrors, so to speak. You can beat this. Just don't beat yourself up in the mean time. You didn't "crack" - you realized that you needed a little help (your wife obviously was aware of this too!!) and for men...that is a tough, tough thing to do sometimes. Good for you for admittng it to yourself and your wife though! You are strong...you can get through this!

Hang in there...and keep at the relaxation sessions!!!

Best,
Dawn

Mike,

What's wrong with simply feeling the anxiety? Have you tried that? It won't last for long, you know. It's always temporary. The messages you give yourself about the actual attacks are why you are suffering so. Go to tape 3 and write down positive - truth statements that comfort you. Right now you are scaring the dickens out of yourself and terribly disappointed in yourself. You have no good reason to be disappointed in yourself, Mike. None, whatsoever. Nuture that part of you that feels so badly. Whenever you talk to yourself understand that you are talking to the small child within. How would you talk to a small child? That's how you talk to yourself. OK - so you fell back a little bit. So what.

Work on this. You'll see major changes happen.

Hi Deborah,

I didn't mention using the techniques, but I did use them. Funny thing, I found using the techniques themselves somewhat depressing. Why? Because I equated that stuff to the past. So if I'm using them currently, my A&D is still current and not in the past. Also, you are SO right about regressing to "what if" thinking. Ever since I can remember I've been a "what if" thinker. I've just never had these consequences before. So retraining my thought processes is necessary. But believing that I can succeed in doing that is very hard.

Hey Dawn,

Just to clarify. I didn't have a heart attack nor do I have any heart problems. I had chest pains, but it was discovered that the cause was Acid Reflux. But that wasn't discovered until about 10 days after I went in to the hospital for potential heart problems. They were talking about irregular heartbeats, pace makers, etc. All to no avail as my heart is fine. But that whole process freaked me out to the max.

All my life I've been a take charge, move the ball forward kind of guy. So when I have to back track, it feels like failure. Dealing with these perceived failures has been one of the toughest parts for me with getting past this condition.

Boon,

Thanks so much for the encouragement. Anxiety doesn't scare me. But my fear of deep depression is off the charts. In answer to your question, feeling and floating with the anxiety is not comfortable, but definitely doable. I've done it on many occasions. However, what I've discovered about myself, is that if the symptoms of the anxiety hang around for a while (I tend not to have panic attacks, but elevated generalize anxiety), then my "what if" obsessive thinking kicks in with thoughts about an oncoming deep depressive episode. It THAT that I'm not successful in handling. In other words, I'm afraid of the fear of an oncoming episode.

Yesterday I had lunch with our friends at 1:00. I felt the anxiety from recounting the past kick in at about 2:30. For the next 5 hours or so I battled it and floated with it. Please note, in these 5 hours it wasn't anything severe. I wouldn't even call it elevated generalize anxiety. It was just a feeling I hadn't felt in about 3 months, but it wasn't (still isn't) major. However, just having my mind go back there raised the specter of the DD (deep depression) monster. That thought eventually drove me to the medicine cabinet.

For those that have responded thus far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hi Mike,

Since you are a "move the ball forward" kind of guy, you know that you are going to get tackled. Getting tackled is part of the game.

Don't get upset because you got tackled; get back up and get ready for the next play. Focus on something important you are going to do and let the memory of the tackle drift away.

It still comes down to thoughts and habits of thought. Your mental toughness is enough to carry you through the tough times. You just need to get back to basics (i.e. moving your thoughts in positive directions).

You can do this!!

Steve

Thanks Steve. I know that setbacks are a part of life. I've had a number of them in my 46 years of life. But I've always felt in control of things in my life. But with this, I feel like I have no, or very little control. It seems to take over and all the techniques I try don't work. Grin and bearing it seems to be the only thing that gets me through. And that is mentally and physically draining.

I know I'm a compulsive negative thinker. And Lord knows I'm trying to change how I think. My biggest battle is really believing that I can change how I think. Can I really do that? I so desperately want to do it.

I have acid reflux and they put me in the hospital for check up on my heart. The funny thing is mine was mostly shortness of breath and still is. They found out that I have vocal cord disfuntion becasue of the acid. But in Sept it all started with me. I know how you feel but I wonder if that Anxiety and panic come from that acid reflux and once we get that fixed I think it will get better.
I have good days and bad days. Today is going to be a good I am claiming it. Good Luck and try your best to stay positive. don't worry about meds. in due time you will know the right time.