Stress Center Peer Support

I am on Chapter 4 right now. Since starting the program for the 3rd time (I have yet to completely get through it all)I have noticed that it has been mentioned about how finding the root of our problems may stop alot of the anxiety/panic if we let ourselves let it out and start coping with whatever has hurt us so bad in our past. For the past two days I have found myself remembering things I don't want to remember about my past but the thoughts won't stop coming. I just keeping thinking about all the abuse I went through as a child and what I have went through off and on in my marriage. I used to call myself a robot (still do) because I felt no one cared how I was feeling nor what their actions did to me inside. I am hurting so bad today I can hardly take the emotional pain it is causing me and I feel myself slipping back further into my depression and just wanting to hide from everyone and anything, even this group. I had to force myself to come in here to post this thread because I desperately need to talk to someone but I have no one in my life anymore except for online people that I feel comfortable in talking to. Has anyone else who has started/done the program find they start remembering things in their past that was very tramatic to them, that they just wanted to leave hidden forever that starts to resurface and hurt you all over again? I believe that alot of my issues is caused by the anger and abuse my mother lashed out at me as a child/teenager and by my husband while he was smoking pot and drinking during the first half of our marriage. For example a memory that hurts so deeply is the one of my mother smiling at me as I looked up from the stool at her, that I was bent over on, while my Dad was spanking me with his belt. Many times she would get me in trouble with my Dad for little things just so he would spank me. Her grandparents were also abusive to her and I feel to this day that she took her anger and vent on me to help release pent up stuff she had inside of her for the way she was brought up. I had always hoped to talk to her about why she treated me the way she did but I never got that chance as she passed away in '98. I was sexually abused by several brothers who always threatened me if I told anyone they would turn it around on me. I am angry that my parents never protected me nor saw what was happening to me. My husband was a teddy bear when smoking his pot but when he didn't have any and would go into withdrawls he would become very mean and abusive, usually verbally and threatening but sexual and physical did happen a few times also. When he turned to alcohol after work and came home at very late hours we would get into it and he would become very mean, scary, and terrifying saying and doing things that to this day makes me want to cower and hide. He did quit smoking and drinking about 5 years ago and has turned his life over to the Lord and faithfully goes to church, so why am I letting these thoughts and memories eat me up alive again? I have been tossing it back and forth today and I think its because he has never really said he was sorry nor showed any remorse to me or my son who he also took his wrath out on. Thanks for letting me vent and getting some of the stuff off my chest. God bless you all who patiently read this through.

Susan

Susan, in your husband's church, is there a counselor available or can they lead you in the right direction. I think tackling these issues would be so helpful, even if you didn't go as a couple. My memories haunt me too. Closure is a wonderful thing, but you can't always get it, so we have to learn to put things to rest. That's not an easy task to handle on our own.
I would bet that as your husband never addressed what happened before his conversion, you probably also never got a chance to deal with what your folks did face to face with them.
PM me anytime. My email is also in my profile.

Hey there girl! My name is Dana. I read your story and realize how fortunate I am. No abuse here...I simply suffer from clinical depression. I don't really know what to say. I can listen and share. I do think you need to communicate your feelings with your husband. Communication is the key to a healthy marriage...this I do know. I will pray for you my dear.

Susan,
I too suffered horrific abuse at the hands of my Mother. I'm 40 years old now. I saw a counselor off and on since high school. Only recently in the last 2 years since I started with a new therapist, have I found closure and a sense of peace about my experiences. I used to call myself the "walking wounded" and would carry my abuse around on my sleeve. Through the help of my new therapist, I have come to see that part of my life as something I went through to make myself the wonderful, caring, empathetic, & loving person I am today. I no longer see myself as the victim, but a survivor. Occasionally memories surface and I say to myself, that was then. That was the past. The past is over and I close the book on that time in my life. I literally picture a scrapbook and actually closing the book in my mind. It works for me. When I first started therapy, I can remember the therapist said I should think about forgiving my Mother for what happened. I replied, "It'll be a cold day in hell before that happens." Well Hell is pretty cold right now. It is possible to forgive someone who has passed away.

Also of note, I too had an abusive husband, who I later divorced after 3 years of marriage. I married the first schmuck that asked to marry me, just to escape my home life.

As for the program, I'm sorry that the sessions are bringing up so much baggage for you. If it's at all possible, try to stick with it. I believe that change is possible and that both you and I can be better people for it.

Adele

I was 37 yrs old when my anxiety disorder triggered in APRIL 2005. The majority of "issues" behind my anxiety disorder WERE directly related to my experiences in childhood. My anxiety disorder was, in essence, a result of the things I had lived through in childhood - yet SURPRESSED, not only the events themselves - but all respective emotions as well, OUT OF EXTREME FEAR.

I couldn't fathom the emotional effects on me. That concept, prior to therapy, was beyond me. Ignorantly, I had very matter of factly assumed "I lived through it - NO BIG DEAL". I couldn't see the direct connection between my childhood experiences & my anxiety disorder. <span class="ev_code_RED">It was my therapist = psychiatrist, that helped me see & understand that. It was also he, who very gently guided me through those events & that process.</span>

My going through that "therapy" process FIRST, was key to my journey & my recovery. I had lived through some pretty terrible & traumatic things. They weren't some book or movie. They were REAL & I lived through them. My problem was I couldn't grasp just how bad they were. I needed therapy to show me that - so that I could find a healthy & realistic acceptance of them - FINALLY.

Without any un-necessary detail, as previously mentioned, I had lived through some pretty tough things. My background was the epitamy of DYSFUNCTIONAL. I was abused (a-z), you name it & it did happen to me. The "literal" things are far too many to mention here. Did you ever see the movie SYBIL w/ Sally Field? I saw it the 1st time in my life while I was going through therapy. That movie pretty closely & accurately depicts the ABUSE I experienced - not LITERALLY the exact same things - but close enough. I was literally & physically abandoned @ age 6, @ 8:30pm @ nite, during a winter snow storm. After my father left when I was 5, never to be seen again, my mother LET GO OF ALL: herself + her home/apt(filthy beyond any imagination you could muster) + her children. My mother didn't have children as is the natural evolution for many women. She had us as the MEANS TO AN END - to get away fr her own mother & get out of the house. So, when my father left, it was like "well, what do I do w/ them now". She herself didn't have the necessary - nurturing skillset to be a mama to us kids(me @ the time & 2 older syblings - bro & sis). So, after my father left - you were kind of ON YOUR OWN. I was left alone majority of the time, unattended. 1 nite @ 6 yrs old - 8:30pm & snowing, she was no where to be found. So, I sat on this 1 stoop - the "elders" of the area saw this - back then, they didn't call the cops. Rather, the notified the "neighborhood grandfather" & he took me in for the nite. I was ret'd to her the next morning, w/ her only reply "oh, ok". When she saw this man (technically a stranger to me & not blood related) was willing to mind me - 1 day became 2 + 3 + 4.... I started living w/ him fr that point(the 1st snowy nite) & forward. I lived w/ him right dwn the block fr my mother & syblings - confused + scared + lonely + desperate + guilty = what had I done that I was SENT AWAY - WHY SHE DIDN'T WANT ME - WHY SHE DIDN'T LOVE ME. I was given a burden no child should ever have. She would take me back, on occassion, when it suited her "sick/unhealthy" fancy - to hurt/torure me or to do her bidding = be her CINDERELLA - LITERALLY. Hell, I was just a child, wanting a home - her home w/ her mama. After a few yrs - she moved fr dwn the block - to 20 min's away. I was maybe 12: SHE DIDN'T "ASSUME" ME when she got that new apt. @ age 15, she signed off legal rights of me to this stranger - older man - whom I eventually went on to call my dad/grandfather. I was "molested" by 5 different people, w/ 2 of them being immediate family members fr age 6 - 12/13 (not my "grandfather"). In my senior yr of highschool - my caretaker/my "grandfather" passed away @ age 81. I was ON MY OWN. Not 1 of my bio-family members came forward to offer any sort of help/advice of any kind. In a snap of a finger, 1 quick instant, all that I considered family & my security - wrapped up in that 1 person, went away. To say I was in emotional shock would be an understatement. However, in order to literally survive - IT WAS "SINK OR SWIM" for me. I was 1 step away fr being homeless. Don't ask me how it happened, I am not sure how I did it. I will say, there was some serious DEVINE INTERVENTION going on. God, up in the heavens, used his earth bound angels/soldiers, to help me live & survive. I managed to secure the apt + graduate high school + get a full time paying job - starting the monday after I graduated(I graduated on a thurs I think - lol, who knows)& I was on my way & on my own.

NOTE: I didn't have any physical symptoms until anxiety disorder triggered in 2005. However, I could look back & see it clearly. The 1st nite I spent alone in that apt, our apt, after he passed - I was terrified beyond anything I could describe. I remember it as clear as day. I was numb. I was so afraid. I locked all the windows - in spite of it being the end of June & very very hot outside & I closed all the blinds so noone could see in. I locked the apt door. I went into my bedroom which was in the back of the apt. I locked the bedroom door & I jammed it w/ a chair under the door knob - so no one could get in or get me (we lived on 1st flr = ground level). Then, I laid in bed, w/ my Rosary Beads around my neck & the covers over my head - shaking like someone tazered me - crying so hard & bad - begging God to let me wake up the next morning- to let me be safe. I was too jacked up to sleep right away, but them covers were NOT coming fr over my head. I kept them on my head & my eyes closed. I cried myself to sleep. Emotionally, I might as well been 6 yrs old again - feeling alone & afraid, on her own, w/ no one around to help/love/comfort.

You know, we all find our way in life. We all have a purpose so to speak - life's journey is our finding that purpose. God's gift to us all is that GIFT we all have w/in ourselves to FIND OUT WHAT our PERSONAL GOAL IS & MAKE IT HAPPEN (so I believe - LOL, I know, pretty darn dramatic). I firmly believe my purpose in life, having survived what I have & including anxiety disorder & major depression, is to inspire + help + motivate others. My "gift fr God" as a tool to make that happen, is my CHARACTER God be my witess, that is why I type this now. I don't want praise & I sure don't want pity. I want a good purpose to come fr the things I have lived through so that it becomes something beyond just my own sufferings. <span class="ev_code_RED">So that, others & including you SADCHATTERBOX can see: even fr the worst of circumstances - wonderful things can & do happen. That there is not a damn thing on earth stronger that the will of man/woman - nothing stronger than the power of the human spirit - to persevere + survive + heal + grow + evolve + move on + change the CYCLE of abuse for you & your child - THAT IS THE REAL EXAMPLE.</span>. I write here (& I write a lottttttttt, lol lol ) to show by my very own EXAMPLE - that there is hope + that IT can be done + that you are not your past + that you can move beyond the pain & create a beautiful life for yourself + that you know YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THE LOVE + SECURITY + FAMILY you may have been denied. That you can give that to yourself, rightfully so, by yourself.

Before I could face myself & change those parts of me that created the anxiety disorder, I needed the ever important DEGREE OF SEPARATION = b/w me & my past. For many yrs, I was the sum total of the events I had experienced - the forever VICTIM. I wasn't living as the person/adult LENORE - I was the abused, etc etc. I was living as the past, in current times. By me going through therapy, & methodically & gently facing my past, I did just what I needed. I unburdened myself. My emotional storage spilleth over - me facing & feeling all those things, allowed me to make room for THE GOOD STUFF = me facing myself. When I faced my past & felt all that stuff, I could see clearer - I could see there were things about me that needed changing & I wanted to change them - so I could FEEL BETTER & consequently, my QUALITY OF LIFE could greatly improve. I attended intense therapy for 20+ mths for the anxiety disorder. It amounted to our consolidating 30+ yrs(apprx) of events into 20mths. It was hard & yes, very painful. But you know what? I WAS FREE - I wasn't running or hiding or denying anymore. I felt like I had been let out of some damn emotional prison. When I realized I had a REAL SAY in how I wanted to live + how I thought/acted/reacted + the people I chose to surround myself w/ + the life I wanted - hell, I hit Lucinda's program running like a mad lady, hahahahahah. Cause now, I was doing it for me. Me the woman Lenore, was doing it for her & the child she once was - rightfully entitled.

My anger & resentment towards my birth parents & bio-family were beyond deep. I was determined to hold on to it till hell freezes over - that is how justified I felt. In addition, I was so wrapped up in it, I didn't even understand what FORGIVENESS WAS. I'm being honest here. I even GOOGLED it + prayed about it + watched OPRAH on a show about FORGIVENESS + read BOOKS - cause I didn't get it. I wasn't ready to get it. It was when I wanted to FEEL BETTER, that I became EMOTIONALLY READY to forgive & let go.

I don't justify what my birth-parents did. What they did was beyond wrong in all ways. That is a part of their consciousness = that is THEIR burden to carry, not mine. That is between them & God - not me. I will say something to you SAD CHATTERBOX that I hope you can use as a compass as you heal:Hurting people do hurtful things. Healthy people (mentally + emotionally + physically + spiritually) don't do the things that was done to me/you/us - all abused children. If they were of right mind/heart/soul/spirit - they never would have done what they did. It doesn't justify it - it lets YOU THE FORMER VICTIM KNOW it wasn't your fault. It allows compassion & empathy for them in your heart so you can learn & decide FORGIVENESS IS THE WAY TO GO FOR YOU. You see, you are in a much better position than your parents/mama - YOU KNOW BETTER - YOU'RE SEEKING ANSWERS - that means you can change the cycle & create change in you & your life. That is what forgiveness really is. It is not about them + them getting away w/ anything - it is about you wanting to feel better + heal + enhanc your quality of life + move on & let go.

When we experience things so painful & frightening we surpress them. You starting the program & therapy - is you deep inside ready to heal + face these things, emotionally. So, as you go through the session, your subconsciousness is bringing them up - kind of like it helping you - giving you a sense of direction in terms of you recovering fr anxiety disorder/depress - unburndening yourself - throwing out the trash - making room for the good stuff. I know it is painful - but if the therapy & the sessions are bringing up these memories - then they are BOTH DOING WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO DO - THEY ARE SERVING THEIR PURPOSE. SADCHATTERBOX - they are helping you help yourself - heal. It may be frightening & hurt some - but pls stick w/ it.

Your friend,

LENORE

LENORE, your words are incredibly powerful, moving, inspirational and helpful. You are one of the very few people on here, which I truly admire.

Keep up the exceptional work.