Stress Center Peer Support

A few months back my boyfriend and I had broken up for a short while. Looking back on things now, I was super clingy and he had something things he had to work on as well. Anyways, we're together now and we're both very happy. We had waited until the holidays were over to tell our parents, as it would have been an awkward time to get together again. So we have told everyone now, my parents were a little suprised but very supportive. A friend of mine on the other hand sent me a very nasty long email today at work basically telling me how she was exhausted even giving me advice because I don't follow it. She has expressed in the past that if people don't take her advice, she gets pissed off. She also scolded me for not telling her right away and how could I do this to her since we've been friends for so long. I was very taken aback by this. I wasn't not telling people to be hurtful, it just wasn't an appropriate time. The whole email seemd to be all about her. I'm not even sure how to respond now.

Anyone around?

Hi:
Well, I'm here. But I don['t know if I know anything about these things.
I can tell you what I think. But that is all it is - just an opinion.
It may not even be the right thing.
But what I think is that we don't owe anyone to tell them things about our private life until WE
are ready. And even then we don't owe it. We can tell them if we want to.
A REAL friend supports us when we need it. They accept our decisions even tho they may have reservations, may not agree with us.
Often times we may share with a friend, not really wanting advice. Sharing does not mean soliciting.
A decision about who we date or marry ,etc. is one that we have to make on our own. It doesn't hurt to listen to others. But ultimately
only we can decide.
Your friend won't be with your boyfriend, only you will.
As to your responce, my thought is that you owe your frind no apology.
Since she has been your friend a long time, how do you feel about just sending her a friendly little note, ignoring her complaints?
Just think about it.
You'll do the right thing.
And be just as happy as you can be!!! Enjoy your days!!
Wishing you the best.
MJ

Hi P&P in refrence to your post, I don't think it's any of your friends business what you do in your relationships, all that really matters is whether on not you are happy. Could it be that she is actualy jealous of you? In the first place I would tell you this. I have been through similar things in my life and have learned alot over the years. People that talk to you like that are not really your friends, and I have found that out the hard way. I have a very few close friends now and I don't even fool with people that try to drag me down any more. No one needs any more stress in their life than what they already have, so if all she has is negative things to say about the situation, I would tell her I don't want to hear it and if she gets mad, "OH WELL". Times like this are when you find out who your real friends are. Well that is my opinion. I hope it helps you.

P&P
This sounds like something that is really personal. I don't know you nor your friend and so I can't say either way . I DO know that I have a friend who was in an abusive (emotionally) relationship and I would take calls from them sometimes up to 7 times a day giving me a play by play of the pain and all their tears and their times of being suicidal and reminding them over and over of their worth and value and they Still went back to the person.I got overwhelmed and realized that I coould not help them anymore. They refused my help and sound advice ,yet on the other hand kept asking for it thru tears. Then this friend returned to the player abuser and so I just let it go. Quit trying to help and figured."hey I planted seeds" now it's up to them to work it out.Sometimes theres only so much a friend can do. Then you need to give each other space and time and let it work its way out.Sounds like your friend needs space. Let it go. That's my two cents. I don't know them so everything i think or say is just an opinion ya know? It's really something the two of you need to settle.
Take care
Jill~

My friend I know has very low self esteem and it seems like she's looking for that validation when others take her advice, but if they don't, she feels the lack of validation. She's 26, never had a boyfriend and a year or so ago was sneaking around with a married man. Which at the time, even though I did NOT agree with it, I told her in a assertive way how I felt but also made it clear that I was still her friend and it was her life to lead. Maybe I feel like her true colors are showing? To me friendship is about being there for someone no matter what, as Cornflower mentioned. Being supportive is being there, no matter what decision I make. And of course there were a few times where I was having a tough time with the breakup, and she was there to listen as any good friend would. I'm just working REALLY hard on my assertive skills and I've waited to respond, as I want to be assertive and not angry. I don't believe I owe her an apology at all.

Jillzmind, this situation wasn't like the one you mentioned. I can see where you're coming from and I think you're right, I should just give it some time and space.

P&P
Sorry I didn't mean to imply that you had the same situation with your boyfriend. But rather a different perspective on maybe how she sees things? What jumped out at me was your comments that she said she was "exhausted giving you advice" and you don't follow it. Or something to that extent.Maybe she just isn't the right person to ask advice from on relationships? Not that she is either bad or selfish? I don't know her to say that. So maybe just pick like 1 friend you totally trust, who has a great relationship , like a long lasting one and ask them and or maybe a counselor of some type.
Take care and hang in there.
Jill~

jillzmind,

no worries! I know what you meant. It was more me venting to her but maybe she thought I was looking for her to "solve" things or give me advice and I don't think I was. When we're upset, we just need a friend or loved one to blow off some steam to. I have a councellor right now who's helping alot. She had mentioned as well that as we become more assertive, we often see the true colors of some of our friends. One step at a time eh?

P&P
You bring up a good point. That venting vs. solving thing is really relevant. I guess a good way to start a conversation about stuff with someone is "hey can I just vent?" or "will you help me find a solution to_____?" then the boundaries are set up right away. No chance for misunderstanding? You just helped me hahaha.

J~

hehe, well I'm glad jillzmind! I like the way you laid out those questions, I'll keep that in mind next time I need to talk to someone. I think when we're upset, especially after something like this, we tend to operate from a place of anger, which is really the fear of not being loved ect...so I think we can also get a little irrational and take things so personally that we're not looking at the situation for what it is and being able to see the other person's side.
Thanks for the help!