Battle with the bridesmaids!!
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Brandi Menifee
- Posts: 78
- Joined: Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:40 pm
Ok, I am getting married in 7 mos. I know that kinda a long time away, but to me it's just around the corner. I have some what of a dilema. Right now I have 7 bridesmaids, my maid of honor, and 2 of my cousins are the only three of the 7 that I really want to be in it! The other 4 I just put in it bcuz, my husband to be has alot of friends, and both sides have to be matched # wise. However, I have been in love with this person since I was 14 yrs. old! We have 2 kids together, and I have been waiting a long time for this moment! So of course I want this day to be very special for us! I want my closest, most honest people standing up there with me on that day, not some timey, fake people! On eof the 4 that I don't want in it has been my friend since high school, and I am 2wks away from being 30 yrs. old. However, we have grown apart over the yrs, and she has disappointed me a few times this year, but as still love her as a friend, and I know she loves me too. But she has gotten closer with other friends in her life, and I am often counted out, but I think it's mostly bcuz we live 45 mins away from each other, and I got tired of being the only one to be the traveler! Another one of them I just asked bcuz I needed a 7th person, she's a good person, and we really connect, but she's old enough to be my mom! I really would have just liked her to be a guest. I really like her though, and she's been there alot when others weren't, but just feels wierd at times cuz she's soo much older. Another, has domestic violence in her relationship, and I'm afraid that the guy that she is dating will either, not let her come to my wedding on the day, cuz they'll get into it, or she'll be too badly beaten up to be in my wedding! She won't listen as far as leaving him, so I can't no longer do anything for her as far as that. I don't even know if I wanna continue to b friends with her bcuz of her situation, she's not even the same person! Last but not least, the last one! We used to be soo close, and have been friends for like 12 yrs. However, now she acts like to hang out with me, she'd rather hang out with other firends. We still call each other every now and then, but if I ask her to do something with me she always has an excuse as to why she can't! She has 4 other friends that she would jump out of her skin for!! At first it didn't bother me, but since I'm getting married, and considering her as one of my briedsmaids, it bothers me now! I know my wedding is just one day, but it is one of the most important days! I honestly don't want ppl sharing that day with me that aren't loyal to me! I battle with it almost everyday inmy mind! My fiance says that I should just put them in my wedding, and don't deal with them ever again after the wedding. If I do that, I feel like they're just being fake with me bcuz they just wanted to be in my wedding, and I'll have an attitude with them!! Taht will not be a good experience. Maybe I'll just have the three, and he'll just have to cut his side down. Really tired of worrying about it! What would you do??? Anyone?? Sorry so long, I'm a very detailed person!!!
bloveholt
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Guest
Brandi,
Please don't take this wrong way, but you are a trip:)!
I get what you are saying about being fake, I do. However, it's too late for these reasons. First of all, and to take the edge off, most people know that brides' maids aren't all supposed to be your best friends. Most people ask cousins and acquaintances to fill in the gap, etc. So, you aren't really being fake. Secondly, as far as etiquette is concerned, if you've already asked, and they've agreed, it would be extremely rude to cut anyone out now unless you feel one of them is going to threaten your life. My sister was my maid of honor. She is highly abusive, and I didn't know how to deal with it at the time, but I knew not to stay the night with her the night before my wedding because I knew how abusive she would be to me. I stayed in a hotel room with another bride's maid, so those situations can happen, but I'm serious when I say that if you've already asked, they've accepted, etc., don't dis anyone at this point. Being dissed as a bride's maid, Maid of honor, etc. after you've been asked is serious business, and it just isn't worth messing with, I promise. I remember a friend in high school asked me to be her Maid of Honor. The wedding was planned over the course of a year, and a few months before the wedding, she told me that she didn't want me to be her Maid of Honor anymore because she had grown closer to her cousin. She then said, "If you want to be in the wedding, you can be just a bride's maid." God only knows why she did that, but the truth of the matter is that reflected more on her bad character than mine. I was gracious, and didn't get that I was being dissed, but I thought more about it later in life, and that was really rude of her. If I had done anything wrong to her, there should have been a good heart to heart, etc. I also ended up spending a lot of money I didn't have to get my dress, to get her a gift for every occasion, and she didn't really deserve all of that so I should have just bowed out. I remember that it happened after she went off to college, and I stayed behind. I was pretty much left and all my friends went away to college so I started focusing on my own life and my local community college. That friend was actually someone that used to use me a lot, and she felt threatened that my attention had shifted. In other words, it was a toxic friendship for me anyway. So, in this situation, it was like she wanted me to bow down to her and beg her to let me remain a member of her court. Think about how that comes across.
Also, I made the mistake of offering her a bride's maid slot in my wedding a year later, and she accepted. And Brandi, I even chose different bride's maid dresses so that she could afford hers, and guess what? She stopped returning my phone calls, didn't show up, call, or anything, and I pretty much figured out on my own that she wasn't going to be in the wedding about a month before the wedding. After it happened she obsessed about how she'd hurt me only when my sister saw her visiting our town out in public a few months later, etc., and that made her call me. I hated it, actually. I had already said, "good riddance", and what happened was just further confirmation to me that she didn't need to be in my life. I wasn't angry because my wedding was nice without her. She wasn't as important as her narcissistic thinking lead her to believe.
Finally, I know this is going to sound harsh Brandi, and your wedding does mean the world to you right now and it should, but it doesn't and isn't going to for all of your bride's maids. How are you really so certain that all of these bride's maids are just fighting to have a place in your wedding? Some of them may have accepted your invitation just to be nice, and it's just the truth. They have no idea that you are thinking that they are longing to be in your wedding and that you don't want them there. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that everyone is fighting to be around you. Maybe someone is concerned about buying another bride's maid dress they'll never wear again or fainting in front of a crowd. Don't make the mistake of thinking it will be all spectacular for everyone. That isn't an excuse to dis them either, but it's just saying that they may be going out of their way to be gracious to you and do you a favor instead of the other way around. There are many jokes the situations between Bride's and Bridezillas. It's hard for every bride not to get intoxicated by being the center of attention and wanting perfection, but take a deep breathe and try not to be one of those brides because as wonderful as it will be, it will never be perfect. I wish more people would spend more time thinking about their marriage than one day that will never go off without a hitch. Also, see it as a blessing that you could actually find 7 people to ask:). My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years, and if we went to renew our vows today, we wouldn't be able to find any guests:(. It would be us, our dog, the minister, and our 12 year old son with autism. It's just a matter of perspective.
I'm sure I said something wrong, but I am taking a risk of replying to a bride planning a wedding:). I think everyone on here who has ever planned a wedding understands all of the stressful dynamics. Oh, I also remember that I declined to be a bride's maid in my ex sister in law's wedding a few months before the wedding. It was a tough family situation, and my son had just been diagnosed with autism. If I would have continued, no one would have been able to watch my son, and it would have inconvenienced other members of the family, but I doubt I was forgiven for that. I did say ex-sister in law, which goes to show you that the wedding day is important, but really, focus on having a good marriage because that's what really matters.
Take care,
luvpiggy
Please don't take this wrong way, but you are a trip:)!
I get what you are saying about being fake, I do. However, it's too late for these reasons. First of all, and to take the edge off, most people know that brides' maids aren't all supposed to be your best friends. Most people ask cousins and acquaintances to fill in the gap, etc. So, you aren't really being fake. Secondly, as far as etiquette is concerned, if you've already asked, and they've agreed, it would be extremely rude to cut anyone out now unless you feel one of them is going to threaten your life. My sister was my maid of honor. She is highly abusive, and I didn't know how to deal with it at the time, but I knew not to stay the night with her the night before my wedding because I knew how abusive she would be to me. I stayed in a hotel room with another bride's maid, so those situations can happen, but I'm serious when I say that if you've already asked, they've accepted, etc., don't dis anyone at this point. Being dissed as a bride's maid, Maid of honor, etc. after you've been asked is serious business, and it just isn't worth messing with, I promise. I remember a friend in high school asked me to be her Maid of Honor. The wedding was planned over the course of a year, and a few months before the wedding, she told me that she didn't want me to be her Maid of Honor anymore because she had grown closer to her cousin. She then said, "If you want to be in the wedding, you can be just a bride's maid." God only knows why she did that, but the truth of the matter is that reflected more on her bad character than mine. I was gracious, and didn't get that I was being dissed, but I thought more about it later in life, and that was really rude of her. If I had done anything wrong to her, there should have been a good heart to heart, etc. I also ended up spending a lot of money I didn't have to get my dress, to get her a gift for every occasion, and she didn't really deserve all of that so I should have just bowed out. I remember that it happened after she went off to college, and I stayed behind. I was pretty much left and all my friends went away to college so I started focusing on my own life and my local community college. That friend was actually someone that used to use me a lot, and she felt threatened that my attention had shifted. In other words, it was a toxic friendship for me anyway. So, in this situation, it was like she wanted me to bow down to her and beg her to let me remain a member of her court. Think about how that comes across.
Also, I made the mistake of offering her a bride's maid slot in my wedding a year later, and she accepted. And Brandi, I even chose different bride's maid dresses so that she could afford hers, and guess what? She stopped returning my phone calls, didn't show up, call, or anything, and I pretty much figured out on my own that she wasn't going to be in the wedding about a month before the wedding. After it happened she obsessed about how she'd hurt me only when my sister saw her visiting our town out in public a few months later, etc., and that made her call me. I hated it, actually. I had already said, "good riddance", and what happened was just further confirmation to me that she didn't need to be in my life. I wasn't angry because my wedding was nice without her. She wasn't as important as her narcissistic thinking lead her to believe.
Finally, I know this is going to sound harsh Brandi, and your wedding does mean the world to you right now and it should, but it doesn't and isn't going to for all of your bride's maids. How are you really so certain that all of these bride's maids are just fighting to have a place in your wedding? Some of them may have accepted your invitation just to be nice, and it's just the truth. They have no idea that you are thinking that they are longing to be in your wedding and that you don't want them there. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that everyone is fighting to be around you. Maybe someone is concerned about buying another bride's maid dress they'll never wear again or fainting in front of a crowd. Don't make the mistake of thinking it will be all spectacular for everyone. That isn't an excuse to dis them either, but it's just saying that they may be going out of their way to be gracious to you and do you a favor instead of the other way around. There are many jokes the situations between Bride's and Bridezillas. It's hard for every bride not to get intoxicated by being the center of attention and wanting perfection, but take a deep breathe and try not to be one of those brides because as wonderful as it will be, it will never be perfect. I wish more people would spend more time thinking about their marriage than one day that will never go off without a hitch. Also, see it as a blessing that you could actually find 7 people to ask:). My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years, and if we went to renew our vows today, we wouldn't be able to find any guests:(. It would be us, our dog, the minister, and our 12 year old son with autism. It's just a matter of perspective.
I'm sure I said something wrong, but I am taking a risk of replying to a bride planning a wedding:). I think everyone on here who has ever planned a wedding understands all of the stressful dynamics. Oh, I also remember that I declined to be a bride's maid in my ex sister in law's wedding a few months before the wedding. It was a tough family situation, and my son had just been diagnosed with autism. If I would have continued, no one would have been able to watch my son, and it would have inconvenienced other members of the family, but I doubt I was forgiven for that. I did say ex-sister in law, which goes to show you that the wedding day is important, but really, focus on having a good marriage because that's what really matters.
Take care,
luvpiggy
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Guest
I do greatly appreciate you responding to me, and do understand what you are saying. I do not think you were being mean or anything at all, I just love honest ppl! However, it's not that I think that they are fighting to be in my wedding, I can pretty much tell that's not the case by the lack of attention they give me. Plus you know what, I really don't even think that I would care if I wasn't getting married. At first I just had 4 bridesmaids, but bcuz my fiance is so well liked, he just kept adding on to his side, so I felt that I had too. Even if it meant putting girls in it that I would rather them just be guest. Like I said earlier, I love honest ppl, and I know everyone is not gonna be honest with you at all times. It just crushes me to have to have ppl standing up there on my day that really could care less about me. I also, like the thought of having more bridesmaids, bcuz it seems like it would be more fun that way. I've never been married b4, so I just always thought that all your bridesmaids are supposed to be close to the bride. I've been learning alot that I didn't know that I thought I knew about planning a wedding since I've been planning mine. I've even considered asking two more ppl, that I've known for awhile, but wasn't sure if I should bcuz one is the daughter of one of my bridesmaids, she's only 19, and the other we found each other again on facebook, and just started talking again, she's a really cool person.
Anyway, although I want nothing but the best, and I definately can be somewhat of a spoiled brat, I know it may come close to perfect, but not absolutely perfect. I'm certain that my marriage will be strong, and secure. We've been through ALOT, and still together after 15 yrs! So by the grace of God it will last!
Again I really appreciate your honesty, I don't take offense to any of it! Sorry so long again!
Anyway, although I want nothing but the best, and I definately can be somewhat of a spoiled brat, I know it may come close to perfect, but not absolutely perfect. I'm certain that my marriage will be strong, and secure. We've been through ALOT, and still together after 15 yrs! So by the grace of God it will last!
Again I really appreciate your honesty, I don't take offense to any of it! Sorry so long again!
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Guest
Hi, Brandi,
I'm glad you weren't offended, and I just wanted to convey more that I do understand you wanting your wedding to reflect an honest picture of your social circle. When my husband and I got married, we didn't have a lot of friends, but his father was the pastor so the wedding became about reflecting his parent's social status. Because of our limited friendships, the wedding party was still small though, but we HAD to get married in my father in law's church. I remember telling my future father in law that I just wanted to get married at their house that had a stair case I liked, and it could be small and intimate, and he said, "Oh, the people at the church will never forgive me!" So, our wedding became all about them. On my wedding day before I walked down the isle I asked my sister if anyone was there because I knew that my husband and I didn't have a lot of friends, and it was such a stress to have that pressure of making it into a big wedding. I regret that I had to worry about that before I walked down the isle. So, I really do understand why you want your wedding party to be an honest reflection of your social life.
I still think if you've already asked people to be brides maids that it wouldn't be proper etiquette to ask them not to be anymore, and I can see that that is not fun for you. Maybe even do some research on the internet regarding Bridesmaid etiquette or contact an expert who could give you some guidance, and maybe that could help. I could be completely wrong about it so go to an expert:). Maybe also pray that those people will bow out in enough time before the wedding that it isn't stressful for you, because God can work that way:). I do think it's O.K. to add more brides maids though, and maybe you'll add some more people that you have stronger relationships with so you won't be thinking about the people that are bothering you on your wedding day:).
As you can see, I don't have a problem with long posts:).
Take care,
luvpiggy
I'm glad you weren't offended, and I just wanted to convey more that I do understand you wanting your wedding to reflect an honest picture of your social circle. When my husband and I got married, we didn't have a lot of friends, but his father was the pastor so the wedding became about reflecting his parent's social status. Because of our limited friendships, the wedding party was still small though, but we HAD to get married in my father in law's church. I remember telling my future father in law that I just wanted to get married at their house that had a stair case I liked, and it could be small and intimate, and he said, "Oh, the people at the church will never forgive me!" So, our wedding became all about them. On my wedding day before I walked down the isle I asked my sister if anyone was there because I knew that my husband and I didn't have a lot of friends, and it was such a stress to have that pressure of making it into a big wedding. I regret that I had to worry about that before I walked down the isle. So, I really do understand why you want your wedding party to be an honest reflection of your social life.
I still think if you've already asked people to be brides maids that it wouldn't be proper etiquette to ask them not to be anymore, and I can see that that is not fun for you. Maybe even do some research on the internet regarding Bridesmaid etiquette or contact an expert who could give you some guidance, and maybe that could help. I could be completely wrong about it so go to an expert:). Maybe also pray that those people will bow out in enough time before the wedding that it isn't stressful for you, because God can work that way:). I do think it's O.K. to add more brides maids though, and maybe you'll add some more people that you have stronger relationships with so you won't be thinking about the people that are bothering you on your wedding day:).
As you can see, I don't have a problem with long posts:).
Take care,
luvpiggy