Stress Center Peer Support

Hi all!

I've posted this almost-same message elsewhere on the boards, but, since this area seems to get the most traffic, I'm re-posting here with the hopes of getting some advice:

Thanks to Lucinda and everyone at StressCenter (and my family and friends!), I have conquered EVERY area of anxiety and depression in my life EXCEPT for my relationship anxiety.

I'm a heterosexual female and have been in a few very short romantic relationships with, truly, some wonderful men. Regardless of how patient these guys have been with me - and I've always been up-front with my lifelong dealings with depression and anxiety - I've always had MASSIVE anxiety during my time "in relationships." I am currently in a relationship with a terrific guy, and my anxiety and depression are already ruining things. My boyfriend and I have been getting to know each other since early April, have been dating since early May, and have been "in a relationship" for just over five weeks. Admittedly, we're still really early-on, so maybe I just need to wait this out, but I'm already exhausted by my circular and "what-if" thinking and anxiety.

Right now, I'm dealing with the same anxiety this time around that I've had with all of my romantic relationships. As always, I'm worry endlessly that my boyfriend will fall in love with me but that I won't fall in love with him - I worry, in fact, that I'm incapable of romantic love (I've had many crushes but have never been in love). I find myself wondering (especially today, for whatever reason) if I even LIKE this guy, which, I hope, is irrational, what-if thinking, but what if it's not and I'm only with him because he's a great guy and because I think I'm "supposed to" be with him? What if he does fall for me and I don't feel anything for him? I'll break his heart, which means I'll cause him pain. He is aware of this particular "what-if," but that's not making it any easier for me. He's also willing to be slow with me and patient. Sexual contact of any sort is also scary for me, and the thought of sexual intercourse is terrifying beyond anything I can imagine (no, I have never been sexually abused); my BF is aware of this too and is actually worried that he'll do something physical that'll make me uncomfortable! Argh!! It actually feels like a chore to get together with him, as it has with all of my other boyfriends. However, it feels like a chore to get together with ANY of my friends (because I'm obviously still dealing with some residual depression, I think).

This is what I want: I want to relax and let this relationship progress normally, which means spending time with my BF without it feeling like a job and without my worrying about sex. I don't want to overanalyze my feelings and second-guess myself. I want to be able to fall in love. If it's not with this guy, so be it, but my greatest fear is that I'll break his heart. I also worry that I'm wasting my time with this guy because what if he's not the right one?

Here's what I'm asking for from you all (Please!!): Advice on how to handle and conquer relationship anxiety.

Thank you much!

I understand exactly what you are going through. You are not alone in these feelings. I have struggled with a similiar situation and have obsessed over my "what-if" thinking regarding my boyfriend. I also worried that I did not love my boyfriend the way he loved me. I was terrified of sexual contact, but especially intercourse or the thought of anything "going in there," if you know what I mean. I ruined every previous relationship I was in because I was anxious all the time and I mean ALL the time.

I still have my moments of relationship anxiety, but I have learned to conquer some of the feelings. As much as I hate to say this, you just have to calm down and take your time. It really does take time and practice. It also takes being honest with your boyfriend. I spent the first months of my relationship lying about my feelings and avoiding the conversation about my anxiety because it was uncomfortable beyond belief. When I finally came clean to my boyfriend, I was SHOCKED when he said, "That's fine. I can work with that and help you get beyond it. Just promise me you'll be honest in the future because I've known all along what was going on. I just needed to hear it from you." Talk about feeling stupid! I certainly did. I should have just been honest to begin with. My biggest problem now is that I need to learn to trust. The majority of my what-if's come from thinking about "What if he decides that he doesn't want to deal with my anxiety anymore and finds somebody else that is 'normal'?" or wondering what he is doing if he is not around me - and he's never done ANYTHING to make me worry like this, but I do anyway.

It really just does take time, practice, and great communication with your significant other, so they know what you are thinking and dealing with. I don't have the magical fix for this. I wish I did, but I hope that knowing someone else went through it, continues to go through it sometimes, and survived WITH my relationship intact (my boyfriend and I have been together going on three years) will give you some comfort

I can tell you that I just celebrated my 20th anniversary last week, and it's been the 3 of us all along. Anxiety, him and me. I agree with being honest about it and honestly working on yourself to help get a handle on your problem.

As to the sexual issue-
If you aren't comfortable doing "it" then don't. I have only with my husband and he with me, and we didn't until our wedding night. It's a HUGE thing. Not just physical but mental too. So, I think you are wise to back off and handle a little bit at a time. If this is a relationship that is growing and healthy, then the proper thing to do will happen without you having to force anything. The best thing is for you to be you. Don't try to impress anyone else. You are worthy just the way you are. If he gets pushy, then you'll know the relationship isn't right.

Just want to thank you, LilMsMd and newrunner for your advice!

hi there Sounds like you might have what's called "Relationship OCD," especially with the constant what if wondering if you love him (or will love him).

Check out this article: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php

The second half of the article discusses obsessions regarding relationships. Hope it helps! It's totally treatable, I've had it for many years and overcome it with the proper therapy, and am happily married.

The relationship OCD part of this article was SPOT-ON! It helped immensely, WantMyOldSelf; thank you!!

I've been dealing with this in my nearly 8 year relationship. Thankfully, this program, books I've read, and my own therapist have taught me a lot of CBT and other tools to deal with it.

I've been going through something very similar in my relationship. My boyfriend have been living together for a year now and I have such intense anxiety even though I've finished the program now. I'm so terrified he might lie to me or look at other women even though he is NOT that kind of person. He would do anything for me and he even moved from Florida to NY to be with me. Left his family and friends and decided he wanted to be with me. And he is the most devoted man I've even seen. Yet I just can't stop. And it just won't go away.
You may want to try what I'm doing. I made an appointment to an integrative doctor (holistic and MD) to make sure there are no underlying medical problems that might cause anxiety. It could be a thyroid problem, hormonal imbalance even gluten intolerance. They all cause anxiety.