Stress Center Peer Support

Hello,

I am a 20-year old woman from Sweden. I have just finished reading Lucindas book. I thought the book was really good and it totally makes sence, but.. I feel like it doesent say much about depersonalization.

Feeling like I am a stranger to myself, beeing afraid of myself is my worst symtoms. Its because of theese symtoms I get panic attacks! When I feel unreal I feel like I am going to loose control of myself (pretty logic - If I am not me, how can I control me?). I have read some about depersonalization and I have gotten the advice just to ingore it or think positive. But how can I ignore it when it scares the s... out of me?! How can I feel like myself again? Will I ever feel like myself again? I just feel really confused and helpless. I am just waiting for a brighter day, but it seems like that day will never come. I know that I need to change my thoughts and behaviour - but WHY is it so hard? Why can't I just ignore this feeling of beeing unreal.

I google the net a lot and read theese HORRIFYING stories about depersonalization. Some says it will never go away and that it can be cured with neuroleptics. NEUROLEPTICS?! That is what ppl with severe mental illnesses take. Is my condition that dangerous?!

I am scared that I will end up in an mental hospital. Or have to take stronger and stronger drugs that I in the end just become a living dead. I can not seem to enjoy anything anymore. I am just thinking and analyzing myself. I ask myself 8348735 times a day "Am I real? Do I feel real? Is my surrounding real?". And everytime I ask myself theese questions I just feel even worse. I get even worse feelings of beeing unreal. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate hearing myself talk. I hate beeing on my own.

I feel so lonely. I feel like I am the only one in the world that feels like this. What kind of life is this if I feel like I am not myself? Not worth living.

I hope that someone will answer me and tell me there is hope for me. That they understand how I feel. I just need to talk to someone who understands me.

Sincerley yours,

Belma

I can totally relate - I have been experiencing these exact symptoms and talk to myself in the exact way that you do.

I have started to work on the program - in Session 4 - but just could not come to terms with the depersonalization.

I have recently supplemented this program with an audio book from Shaun O'Connor - website is www.dpmanual.com. It has given me hope that this is all related to anxiety/panic, and I listen to him daily in hopes of overcoming this symptom.

Believe me, it can be horrific, scary and at times have felt as if I needed to commit myself. I am hopeful now, that this too shall pass. Hope you find some relief (if even it's minutes at a time) as I did, and will be able to overcome.

My thoughts are with you in battling what I believe to be the worst symptom of anxiety.

If there are others that have the same - and have been able to alleviate or remove this symptom, please share your story.

Hi,

I just want you to know that I am someone who suffered from depersonalization for years, and if I can be cured of it, anyone can:). So, please don't think that it can never go away. I remember visiting certain websites in my research when I was at my worst with dp, and all they did was scare me because they really didn't have any answers.

My dp came about from going through some very traumatic experiences in a short period of time, and then the truth was that I didn't know who I was. The things that I was basing my identity on were temporal. I had grown up in an abusive family where my boundaries were consistently violated. For example, if I was watching television and another family member came in the room, they automatically changed the channel to what they wanted to watch. That doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was like that with everything all of the time. So, I learned to just change and enmesh with those around me. Over the past ten years, after going through a series of traumas at the beginning of the decade, I started to learn about the importance of having healthy boundaries in healing from depersonalization. There's a good book called, "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin?" and a Christian book called, "Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No". I know that directly, these books don't address the symptoms of depersonalization, but doing boundary work helps you "find yourself" so to speak.

The stronger your identity development, the less you are impacted by the symptoms of dp, even while under stress. I just want to say that I was so severe with depersonalization, that I developed a phobia of going out on clear and sunny days. It was like the light was so bright, and I felt so small inside...I felt like I disappeared. Now, I regularly try to get out on a "blue" day to take my dog for a walk and get some much needed vitamin D:). If someone knew me just four years ago, and then hadn't seen me until now, they would freak out about that change:)!

There are many different degrees of depersonalization. Lucinda does address dp in the program by calling it the symptom "bewilderment". All of us, have moments of depersonalization when our bodies undergo stress which makes us produce adrenaline and cortisol which numbs us to the pain of stress. It is just the body's natural coping mechanism of producing its own drugs to deal with stress. We with anxiety, are very sensitive to feeling out of control, and we freak out when our body reacts in a way where we feel we're not in control. That really is all it is. Of course, the more stress we are under and the worst stress causes adrenal fatigue which causes severe depersonalization so that may be something to research, the weaker our identity development, the more we let the symptoms of being "naturally" high scare us, etc., the longer we experience dp. However, it is so curable, no matter how severe. Yes, it is hard to ignore it, and I don't know that that is the complete answer with severe dp. It's more like you need to fill the vacuum so to speak. Your focus needs to be on identity development by setting good boundaries and comforting yourself, etc.

You know some of this work to heal from it is actually fun:)! I know it is difficult to believe, but finding ways to soothe yourself that are healthy and fun, learning your likes and dislikes and not being afraid to express that to the world and others who see the world differently than you do, discovering and using your talents, setting boundaries to take care of yourself such as taking a nap before your physical body uses dp to give itself a much needed break or taking a needed vacation from work, etc...all of that is really fun.

I know it feels really morbid, and just try to get your focus off of the morbidness. That's where this program comes in because you change your thinking and focus to positive. Some of those websites and things you look up just are not true, and they don't help you to make you think you are going to get stuck this way forever. Also, in my opinion, there isn't a drug to directly cure this because it is like taking a drug because your body is making you feel like you are on drugs. Yes, there are medications that help you not feel the stress and relieve anxiety, but directly, there isn't a drug for dp. Maybe that is why someone is saying there isn't a cure so to speak. If it is from a psychiatric perspective where drugs are seen as the only treatments for mental conditions, then that is why that person has the point of view that it can't be cured. It's a very narrow view point, and it's not the truth.

Finally, I will say this, not to be offensive, by my relationship with God helps me a lot. At my worst with depersonalization, I kept getting the message, "When you don't know who you are, all you really need to know is that you are a child of God:)." That message came to me in many ways, and I really learned to rely on it. I think I said on here before, that the more I learned the truth about a loving God, the less I needed to know who I was if I based my identity on His love for me. One really good thing that happened to me during my worst that is tied to this program is that I was reading through a Christian book and saw the verse from Psalm 23 that said, "He restoreth my soul." The author of the book said that no matter where you are in life, God can put your life back on track, and since I didn't even know who I was, that made me have hope that God could cure me. I felt like although I didn't know who I was when I looked in the mirror, that God was saying, "You are still 'you'. You just need some new batteries, and let Me recharge you and restore you." Years later, I was listening to a Christian radio program and a speaker was talking about the meaning of the word "restore" in the Bible. When God uses the word "restore", He actually means to make better than before!:) Well, when I was reading the book from "Panic to Power", I remembered that Lucinda said "You are going to be better than you were before!" So, I think of how all of those messages came together, and I know it is hard for me to remember what it felt like just a few years ago not to know who I was so to speak and want to go back to the "good ol' days" where at least I thought I knew who I was, but NOW, I can honestly say the journey through dp was worth it to be able to be the person God intended me to be...not the person I thought I needed to be to please the abusive people in my life. I am free. You will be too. You will be better than you were before:).

Take care,
luvpiggy

Hi Belma,

I am sorry you are struggling with the depersonalization! I could have written your email!!! I have exactly the same symptoms and I know how scary it feels! THe words of the other posters are great. I also have found many of Mrs. T Bones posts helpful as well. You may want to pick up a copy of Claire Weeks' book called "Hope and Help for your nerves" as she does a really great job of explaining this often bewildering sensation. She also has a tape and I find her very soothing as she has this cute Australian accent and I feel like she is talking to me. It helped me to read your post because I realized I am not alone--and neither are you! This is a very common symptom of anxiety--juts not a real fun one to edal with! Good luck and keep us updated on your progress!

I've had bouts of depersonalization as well back when I was highly sensitized and under stress due to my anxiety. I learned that this sensation is the brains way of turning off the pipeline of over-thinking. When we're in anxiety states our minds are working on overdrive and so that's all this is- a natural occurence that is actually healthy, though it feels very scary.

The last time I had an episode of depersonalization happened to me while I was shopping at the market. I was walking down an aisle and I felt as if I was outside my body, floating. It felt very weird and I actually started laughing at it. From that point on I learned that this is actually nothing dangerous, not indicative that I'm going to lose my mind or be institutionalized, or that I'll be on drugs forever for it. Because I learned to laugh at it (lose my concern over it) I have not experienced it again. And to this day I still never worry about it.

My advice Belma is not to search out the web for an answer to this. See it as part of anxiety- all the dirty little tricks axiety plays on us. It is just anxiety and won't harm you or send you to a mental hospital. Start changing those thoughts about becoming a "living dead" person. You are real as anyone else and you are not alone with anxiety. There is hope for anyone. Anxiety is just a trickster- it's our fear of it that keeps it alive and kicking us. But you are actually in control and if you work on your thinking patterns and catch your negative thoughts, turn them around to something more empowering, you will see that this anxiety stuff is actually nothing.

So, I understand how you feel and I hope you will take hope and have more faith in yourself. You can do it if I did- I promise!

Mark

Hello everybody!

I can not tell you how good it feels that I am not alone. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't even wish my worst enemy theese feelings, but I feel more "human" and "normal" when I read what you guys have written.

Theese last couple of days I have felt really numb. It is like I am just floating. Usually I get panic attacks and start crying and so on, but the last couple of days I just feel really calm. Dont get me wrong now - I do not like this feeling. The depersonalization is really strong right now. Although I want to cry, panic, scream, run away.. I can't. I am just really calm and people in my surrounding think I am getting better. I have no idea if they are right, I just feel really weird. Has anyone of you experienced that? I just feel trapped inside myself. And it is a scary feeling. But I still don't panic. Why is that? Maybe I have just come to terms with this stupid sensation and I have accepted this as my destiny. I dont know. I am just really confused.

Does anyone of you have some practical advices to give me? Something I can do when I feel like this? Maybe something that has helped you? I try not to think about it, but when I tell myself not to think - then I just think about it even more.

Thank you for all your posts. It feels good to know I am not on my own with this. I hope you will continue writing and sharing your stories.

Best wishes,

Belma