Stress Center Peer Support

I need help! My husband and I have been together for 19 years. When we first started dating, he would always stop our conversations to look at women. Call me stupid, but I would hold it in and not say anything. Aside from his looking around all the time, he was so good to me, loving, caring, and very sexual with me.
Throughout the years, I would catch him looking at women and he would always tell me that he is sick and tired of me accusing him, that he was not looking at "the woman in the green outfit", yes, he would discribe what she looked like, and say he looks at everybody. His reason was because he was in the service and was taught to look at his surroundings. And, guess what? I BELIEVED HIM! We have been going through this for all of our 19 years, until, finally, something happened that confirmed what I was seeing was true. I came home early one day about 2 months ago and walked in on him watching porn. He was shocked! Then he had the nerve to tell me that he only did this once in a while for stimulation, did I forget to mention we only have sex, maybe once every two months? When I asked why there was a problem with us, he said that he was getting older and maybe that was the reason. He started going to a 12 step program about 2 months ago. He goes 3 times a week, which in the begining he shared every meeting with me, of course every man there was so much worse than he was. This really concerned me, because I didn't care about the other men, I wanted to know how he was progressing and learning. I started to realize, in order to feel better about himself, he needed to tell me how terrible the other men were. I didn't care about them, all I wanted to know was how my husband was progressing. The first 2 weeks were great!!!! I felt so good, he told me he knew what he was doing, that he did have an addiction, but felt he was over it. Just this past weekend, we spent the whole weekend with my oldest son, at the fair and at Universal Studios. I can not tell you the humiliation I went through. I really think it was because we hadn't seen our son in years, so he thought my whole attention was on them and our grandchildren. Well, anyone who has gone through this, knows, your whole focus is on what your spouse is doing. I couldn't say anything until the kids went home. And, guess what, he was mad because I wasn't as close to him as I should have been!!!! I really need help----I love him so much and want our marriage to work, but he is ignoring me, shouldn't it be the other way around, or am I just now realizing, this is the game he plays, to make me feel like its my fault. I'm hurting so bad, I just turned 60, I feel ugly, fat,
and unlovable. Why am I feeling that I caused all of this, I have been nothing BUT faithful and loving to this man. Please help me. Suzzie

Hey Sue,

Since no one replied I will,sounds like a mid - life type of thing your husband is going through despite the ages mentioned.To talk with a professional may help.Relationships are two sided and if you sit him down and have a direct talk that may not have any effect.Don't just put a meaning into the conversation,direct questions and answers,sounds more like you guy's are beating around the bush.Sounds like your taking a step back and looking and evaluating your relationship,that's good.As for getting another person to move in the direction you wish,that's another story !!!! Maybe you should move in a positive direction for yourself and if your husband fallows you that's a good thing.He's got some things he needs to put in line,but just by your title heading you have some things to put in line yourself.In many relationships the other party will give B S answers because of denial,selfishness and multiple other reasons,that's way you need to get a clearer picture from a pro outside the situation.

Best to you !

Ms. Suzzie...
Hi there! I am an old married man of 38 years now. I was in the military, and I never heard that phrase given to us. I to, use to look at other females when I was younger, and my wife would just dig her finger nails into my leg or arm, just to let me know that thia was a NO, NO. I soon learned, to stop the looking. Now I wasn't shopping, or wanting anything, it to me was just natural for a male to look at another female.
As per sending him to any recovery course, like you said, he's now hanging out with other bad influences, and he needs a different program, maybe from your local church? The porn will only load his brain up with more visuals which he does not need. Get him reading the BIBLE or into a Bible meeting, or join your church mens group, and they will help him.
As per you being 60 and feeling old and ugly... just STOP that right now!!! I am 60 fat & Ugly myself, but everybody that sees me says I look 40 and I'm not that fat, just a little over weight, and far as ugly... they say that if they weren't married, they would be knocking on my door. SO!!! you really gotta WONDER... HUMMmmmm??? It's all in our heads, so go get a shower, fix your hair & makeup and go shopping, HIT the mall lady... go look into the mirror and say to yourself... Your a beautiful woman! and you feel great today!
Hav' a WONDER-FULL day SUZZIE-Q
mr.~D~man

Thanks for replying. I'm so glad to hear guys don't really get this type of training in the service. I've known alot of guys who were in the service and have never seen any of them react the way my husband does, looking around constantly. As far as us beating around the bush, I do this because if I'm direct, he gets defensive, and starts yelling at me and first denies what I saw and then tells me how sick he is of me accusing him. I really am trying to evaluate my life, actually for the first time since we have been together. I know one thing, I can't keep doing this. I'm at a point where if he doesn't stop this bad behavior, I need to realize he has his priorities and I'm certainly not on top the his list. As far as being 60, I too have been told many times, I look like I'm in my late 30's, early 40's!!!!! It does feel great, but I would much rather be number one in my husbands life, like he is in mine. Thanks so much, both of you. Suzzie

Sue,

If your getting him a book,"The purpose driven life "by Rick Warren may help !!!

Hi Sit n spin,

Got your message, whats this book about? Do you think it would help? Thanks, Suzzie

Here's the web site,

This book basically is about what most of use loose along the way of life and to a greater degree when you have anxiety and depression.



http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/en-US/Home/home.htm