Stress Center Peer Support

I posted this in the July Peer Group section, but I wanted to post it here too for more exposure:

Based on the material in Session 7 regarding assertive behavior, I'm a bit confused on how to effectively use "I messages". The material says to avoid saying something like "YOU upset me when you did..." Instead, the alternative example is something like "I felt upset when YOU did..." (I capitalized YOU just so it's more visible, not for verbal emphasis.) I don't see the difference. In both cases I'm using the "Y" word, just in a different part of the sentence. Can anyone shed any light on this for me?

Jamie

Hi SeaRunner,

I think that you are on the right path - from what my sense of this from "years" of therapy groups. When you say I felt this way when you said that - you are not accusing the person - you are simply stating how you feel, and from what I have been told about this - no one can dispute what your feelings are - or no one can tell you how to feel. Using the word "you" doesn't make sense to me either, but (the You person is the one that said it). Does this make sense.
Gerri L.

Hey Searunner,

This should make it more clear for you.With words if you start out a sentence saying "you".For example ,"You make me feel like a -----". The first word "you",puts the blame on the other person and may cause them to put up a wall as a defense mechanism,Just the word you at the beginning of a sentence can do this.On the other hand ,if you start out a sentence with the word "I",this leaves the topic open for discussion.Example,"I feel like this when you ------------- .Then the thought in the other person mind allows them to thick about it instead of putting up a wall and closing out the topic completely.Because after cross conversation the other person and yourself can come to an understanding of what action or behavior is disruptive or troubling and further discussion may be open if not resolved.

Hope this helps