Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:29 pm
Ok so its 5:00 in the morning and i still haven't slept because there were like 40 ladybugs in my closet and i've killed and sprayed and killed and sprayed until i ran out of bugspray and tried all kinds of stuff and their still there more coming .. haven't slept in my room i'm in the living room on the laptop.. i really hate ladybugs.. they stink too with this nasty yellow crap smelling stuff..
I'm not as worried as the Christmas thing.. I have no money to get anyone anything and that really really bothers me because if they give me a gift i will feel so bad that i didnt get htem anything because i am so poor that the only money i had left was some of my left over bday money i spent on buying my sister something.
i have to celebrate xmas tommorrow with my grandma who lives a few houses down that i could walk there i'm more nervous of spending it wtih my other grandma is at my aunts house in another town.. i'm still afraid of car rides but then again i don't like going over there because there are tons of people that i dont know well and other friends and ppl that i feel really nervous around in a croud and i don't like beign around tons of people... it makes me soo nervous and NOBODY understands and i HATE being pressured to tell me "why are you acting weird" and when i tell them they just roll their eyes or say something like "you need to get out more" you need to get over this " blah blah blah.
I hate it i hate being pressured. I hate it when i like something like lets say i like aliens ok.. if i put on a movie and they look at it their all like "oh why do you like that oh blah blah blah oh you dont need to watch that oh their so ugly why do you like them??"
BECAUSE I JUST DO IT IS ME I AM NOT YOU I CNA'T LIKE THE SAME THIGNS YOU LIKE I CAN'T HELP LIKING IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it makes me want to scream... its like i cant say anything i like or i will be judged or ridiculed for liking it.
I have to put on a show alot and pretend to be this person who likes what THEY like and agrees or else they will judge me or keep talking and talking about why i like it or how i need to not like something.
Its with my clothes too!!! if i dont wear what they wear they will keep doing it doing it doing it.
This is why i dislike going out or being around people. BUT when im around people who don't do that like friends i had until they moved then i am fine because they don't talk 24/7 about how i need to not like something or change my clothes.
This is why i cant be myself. I have so many masks i have to put on to please my family that i cannot be me.. I can be myself with other people and friends but its mostly my family.
So this is the main reason why i feel lost as a person.
Now that i got all of this out i feel a little better..
I hope everyone on here has a merry Christmas and gets through any kind of stress or nervousness that may come and just try to enjoy it the best they can.
I'm not as worried as the Christmas thing.. I have no money to get anyone anything and that really really bothers me because if they give me a gift i will feel so bad that i didnt get htem anything because i am so poor that the only money i had left was some of my left over bday money i spent on buying my sister something.
i have to celebrate xmas tommorrow with my grandma who lives a few houses down that i could walk there i'm more nervous of spending it wtih my other grandma is at my aunts house in another town.. i'm still afraid of car rides but then again i don't like going over there because there are tons of people that i dont know well and other friends and ppl that i feel really nervous around in a croud and i don't like beign around tons of people... it makes me soo nervous and NOBODY understands and i HATE being pressured to tell me "why are you acting weird" and when i tell them they just roll their eyes or say something like "you need to get out more" you need to get over this " blah blah blah.
I hate it i hate being pressured. I hate it when i like something like lets say i like aliens ok.. if i put on a movie and they look at it their all like "oh why do you like that oh blah blah blah oh you dont need to watch that oh their so ugly why do you like them??"
BECAUSE I JUST DO IT IS ME I AM NOT YOU I CNA'T LIKE THE SAME THIGNS YOU LIKE I CAN'T HELP LIKING IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it makes me want to scream... its like i cant say anything i like or i will be judged or ridiculed for liking it.
I have to put on a show alot and pretend to be this person who likes what THEY like and agrees or else they will judge me or keep talking and talking about why i like it or how i need to not like something.
Its with my clothes too!!! if i dont wear what they wear they will keep doing it doing it doing it.
This is why i dislike going out or being around people. BUT when im around people who don't do that like friends i had until they moved then i am fine because they don't talk 24/7 about how i need to not like something or change my clothes.
This is why i cant be myself. I have so many masks i have to put on to please my family that i cannot be me.. I can be myself with other people and friends but its mostly my family.
So this is the main reason why i feel lost as a person.
Now that i got all of this out i feel a little better..
I hope everyone on here has a merry Christmas and gets through any kind of stress or nervousness that may come and just try to enjoy it the best they can.