Stress Center Peer Support

my anxiety has suffered over the last few months because of a feud between my wife and my mother.since i met my wife my mother has tried to help myself and wife and three kids but thinks she knows best with my kids.She also talks about my wife to people but these people always tell my wife what she has said.This always leads to arguements in our house.It then calms down until it resurfaces a few weeks down the line.my wife is an independant woman and takes things personal.my wife remembers things that happened 6 years ago and brings them up nearly everyday.We live close to my parents and often see my mother in our local supermarket.I feel as if i have to avoid seeing my mum and it is very uncomfortable.I suffer agoraphobia and going in shops is something i have difficulty with as it is.My wife says she will never apologise and it seems neither will my mum.They dont realise how hard it is to see the 2 people i love fueding.I am totally the oppposite of both of them...i dont bear grudges..life is way too short as it is!! in a perfect world they would all get on and accept each other but it isn`t a perfect world is it!!!

Hello Darren,

I'm sorry for the feuding between your wife & mother. It's always awkward when family members can't/won't get along. It sounds like on one hand, you need to set your mother straight: She needs to stop trying to be so opinionated over how your kids are raised. That is between you and your wife and not for her to interfere with. She also needs to put a lid on broadcasting all this to the neighborhood. Can she see that her behavior is not helping your marriage or the children?

On the other hand, at the center of this is yourself with your agoraphobia/anxiety. I had trouble with this for a while and it made things very difficult at home. Realize that you probably can't do anything about their bickering back and forth. It probably won't stop because they are a toxic mix of personalities. The main thing is to step up and point out where they could find agreement and focus on that rather on what they don't agree with. It's time to set some boundaries with everyone and this is through teaching them what is tolerable and what is not.

So are you working this program and making efforts to challenge your fears? I think that if you can accomplish more with your limitations you will feel so much better and be better positioned to deal with the stuff at home. It's all a process for certain. You may also want to seek counseling for the family and for yourself, if you aren;t doing so already.

Best of luck- keep us posted how things go for you!

Hi, this is just my opinion, and I think a lot of marriage counselors would agree because I've really studied their opinions since it is such a personal issue.

Well, I'm a daughter in law that is despised by both my in-law's for being independent, etc. The situation is extremely complicated, and my husband and I wish that we could have a good relationship with the in-law's, but they will not respect the boundaries of our marriage and my role as my husband's wife, so we had to cut them out of our lives after years of trying. I do want to say that it was an extremely complicated situation, but I have heard of other instances where this has to happen for the marriage to work. I know my religious beliefs come into play and that may not apply to you, but basically, when we get married, we are to "leave and cleave." That means that although you love your mother, you are now an adult and your priority is your wife and kids. A good book that addresses this issue some is "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend. A good example in the book describes a mother that uses guilt and manipulation to be overly involved in her adult daughter's life. Basically, the psychologist shows that the daughter letting the mother be so involved in her life robs the mother of opportunities in her own life. So, although to some it seems cruel to separate, in the end it is what is best for both parties. Again, completely cutting your parent out of your life when you are an adult is a last resort, but basically, if your mother will not respect your wife's boundaries, she is the one that is making that choice, not you.

You admit that your mother has been intrusive and gossiped about your wife, so it is up to you to support your wife in the matter. Yes, it would be nice if your wife didn't remember how your mother hurt her in the past, but if your mother has done nothing to change her hurtful behaviors toward your wife or apologize, then your wife should not really forget just to let your mother hurt her again. It is possible for your wife to forgive your mother, but forgiveness does not mean that you let the perpetrator back into your life to hurt you again. Where reconciliation is possible, it should occur, but it's not always the best situation if the offender has done nothing to change his or her destructive behaviors. So, perhaps your wife doesn't forget because she thinks forgiving means that she has to let your mother into her life to hurt her again. That's just a possibility. I know I used to struggle with that, and still do some, but I am more willing to forgive when I know that it doesn't mean what the person did was right, and when I know it doesn't mean I have to let the person (my mother in law) hurt me and my autistic son anymore.

So, my advice is that your wife is the priority, and when you got married, you already made that choice. I can tell that you are trying to please both your wife and your mother, and you want them to get along so you don't have to make an assertive choice. This is a very common problem. Perhaps, if you made the tough decision and really stuck by your wife, your wife would feel less insecure and not need to remember everything that your mother did to her, and perhaps your mother would know that you mean serious business which could cause her to reevaluate her hurtful behavior towards your wife. That would be the best case scenario. It may or may not happen, but no matter what, you need to stand by your wife. Making your boundaries clear to your mother,perhaps in the following example could be beneficial. "I can't have a relationship with you and let you be involved with the kids if you continue to disrespect my wife. It's your choice." I'm blessed enough to have married a man who knew that I and our son and our marriage are the priorities. Again, he didn't cut them out at first, and I'm talking a period of several years before that happened, but he laid out the boundaries and they decided not to comply, so he knew that God wanted his wife and his son to be his priorities.

I hope something I said helped, and I just wanted to offer you this opinion. Learning how to be assertive through this program and having healthy boundaries will really help you with your agoraphobia and anxiety. I found that not having healthy boundaries was a key contributor to my agoraphobia. Going out with my son with severe autism and not standing up for him in an assertive manner when someone mistreated us was a major factor in my agoraphobia. I had to learn that I and he were just as good as anyone else in public, and that I could take care of us by being assertive when necessary. You can stand up for yourself with your mother, and even with your wife when necessary. However, when having to make a choice between your mother and your wife, it usually is best to stand by your wife.

Take care,
luvpiggy

thank you so much for your message luvpiggy
its nice to get someone elses opinion on this situation.I`m not an arrogant person but always thought i was fairly wise on lifes challenges but this has really opened my eyes.What you talk about is roughly what my wife has told me but i try to be the peacemaker and please both parties.I lived at home till i was 32 and have always been a family person.Maybe its time to get my priorites in order.My parents have never let me down always being there even through my 20 year fight with anxiety but its my wife who is my number 1.maybe i`m not that wise old owl after all!!
once again thank you for your reply

You're welcome, Darren John. I love your family picture:).

I wouldn't say that you aren't a wise person, but you have just been a sheltered person. It's not wrong to be a family oriented person, and I think that's a good thing, but you can be a family person with healthy boundaries. I really suggest that book, and I think the authors even have a "Boundaries in Your Marriage".

You've had the condition of anxiety, and you were dependent on your parents for a very long time because of it. I want to point out, as I pointed out to a few others on here after several bad personal experiences, that sadly, some people in our lives who appear to be helping us with our anxiety and actually think they are helping us, are really holding us back for their own selfish motives. I don't doubt that your parents love you, as I don't doubt my husband's parents love him, but their control in the name of helping has actually destroyed my husband's brother's life. He got married, and they succeeded at controlling his marriage because my ex sister in law was happy to please them and be the better daughter in law compared to me,and within three years, their marriage ended, my mother in law raises their daughter to my niece's detriment(when both your parents are alive and well, the grandparent shouldn't be the main caregiver except in emergency circumstances), and my brother in law is addicted to various drugs.

From the very beginning of his drug use, my mother in law was already exclaiming that he was brain damaged beyond repair, and he moved back in with them. That wasn't the truth, but her desire for control in the name of helping and love, in order to have another child (his daughter) to take care of so she wouldn't have to change her life of being a full time at home mother were her motives. After my son was born, she spent a lot of time attacking me as a mother because I wanted to be a full time caregiver for my son. She selfishly wanted me to go to work so that she could be the full time caregiver of my son. It was really hard for me to endure her constant attacks, and it wasn't what was best for me or my son. Anyway, her son needed to be incapacitated for her to have the little girl she always wanted.

It's sad for me to watch him pretend to be in worse condition than he is because he knows that becoming independent will mean that he will actually lose their love. It's all about them, and they have actually demanded that they be the priority no matter what. To make matters worse, my father in law is a Baptist preacher who will often proclaim that God wants it that way. I do want to point out that people don't always behave this way consciously, and that's why it is so important to figure out what's really going on with the boundaries and people pleasing.

So, your parents helping you with your anxiety for so long, could be part of a co-dependent relationship which meant that they were actually hurting you and not helping you. Look for some books on co-dependency if you want to research the topic further. Try not to fall into the guilt trap because that will be the main way your mother will control you, and it's very powerful. Because of my experiences with my in-law's, it's so difficult for me to understand controlling parents. Also, my son has severe autism, and although I pray for a miracle, otherwise, he will never marry or be able to live independently. I have little tolerance for parents who have perfectly capable children that they try to keep from leaving the nest and living their own lives. They have no idea what I would give to have a "normal" child to raise to have wings and fly away to pursue his dreams.

So,although it seemed so helpful, did they encourage you that you could get out and do it on your own before you got married, or did they constantly placate you and do things for you that you could have done on your own? They should have lovingly supported you in your anxiety, but love doesn't mean holding someone back on purpose.

I also want to add that if you share my opinion with your wife, she may feel like, "Why did you have to hear it from a stranger on the anxiety forum before you believed me?" Just a warning. I do that to my husband too. He's like, "Why didn't you believe it when I said it to you?":)

Finally, this is a after a lot of reading and reflecting, I just want to share this opinion about being a "peacemaker". I like to read a book called, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" that reveals some erroneous beliefs about what certain scriptures in the Bible mean. This may not apply to your belief system, and I'm not trying to shove this down your throat, but being a "peacemaker" doesn't mean pretending that there's peace when there's not or glossing over serious issues that need to be faced and dealt with so that there can be "real" peace. Real peace means addressing issues directly and working them out. In the Bible, the term "peacemaker" is actually translated from the term "peacekeeper" so the Bible is actually advocating that a person do nothing to disrupt real peace that already exists. It's not advocating that a person pretend that things are O.K. when they are not, or that issues not be worked out.

Take care,
luvpiggy