Stress Center Peer Support

I'm thinking of moving out of my house finally for independence. I'm a 27 year old female and a there is very awesome Christian family that I'm friends with who opened up their downstairs apartment for me for free because of my circumstances with my parents. My parents are not supportive of my fiance and I working out our issues and it adds tons of anxiety to my every day life. I love my parents so much and my mom has always been one of my closest friends. She does really well in comforting me in anxious moments. But the wedge between us (my fiance) has made it impossible to be as close as before...which may make me anxious as well. I do have a great best friend (who gave me this program and has beaten her anxiety!) and my fiance is terrific....so my support system will still be there....just not live-in, like now. (Although I will be living with my lil puppy!)

My dad's also my pastor, so you can imagine how hard it is for me to separate their lack of blessing from making my own decision as a grown up Christian woman. I'm scared to live on my own, but I'm also scared to be controlled forever.

Is anyone living by themselves or have moved out on their own with anxiety? Is it really possible??? Any other adult children with these issues with your parents?

HI~

I don't know you or your fiancee... but from my own experience... my Mom has always been right as far as men are concerned. I was in a 6 year relationship and my parents did not think that he was the right one for me. It drove a wedge in our relationship that was terribly painful and anxiety provoking. It's been a few years since that relationship ended and I can now see what my Mom said all along... that he was no good for me. I am now engaged to a wonderful man (who I would think my parents would not approve of on paper) and my Mother adores him.

Have you considered the reasons why your parents do not approve? I know that I did at the time, but it didn't matter then. I also moved out when my parents went bankrupt and lost their home, so it wasn't really my choice. I did, and continue to, go through some tough times, but I got through. All I know is that God does have a plan for each of us and that all we can do is pray for guidance to do his will, not our own. Listen to your heart... I believe that's how God speaks to us.

speaking from my own personal experience, i think it would be VERY wise for you to move out. I have had anxiety for years and used my family as my crutch to call on everytime i had a panic attack. i live 2 hours away from them and when i get really anxious or go through an anxious period i always contemplate moving home. i did that for years. but after looking inside myself and learning how to deal with my anxiety on my own, i have stayed and am so glad i did. i am so proud of myself! i got married a little over a year ago and my husband is amazing when i go through an anxious time. he helps me to get through it. BUT, i don't rely on him to get me through it, i rely on myself and i know that i can get through even the worst panic attack all on my own. if i would have moved home i never would have found the love of my life and would still be dependent on my parents. not to say that i don't call my mom or dad when things get bad, i still do, and they still help, but they always reminds me how strong i am and how great i am dealing with my problems. and more and more i don't have to call them everytime! and know that your family is always there JUST IN CASE. they aren't going anywhere and will be there if you need them. i'll keep you in my prayers for whatever you decide...nothing's as bad as it seems! i used to think my life was so awful and now i know what a blessing it is trust me, i have had so much more success with my anxiety now that i'm happier with myself and with my life. life is good!

also, regarding your fiance, maybe being on your own you will be able to evaluate your relationship. also you can evaluate your parents relationship with your fiance. if might be good for you to have time on your own to figure out how to fix that problem.
~you have no idea how strong you are until being strong is all you have~

AmyVT -

I think they are still hurt from seeing me hurt over postponing the wedding. He was honest with me about something in his past and it was hard to accept at first. We are going to Christian counseling every week and I have seen a Christian therapist on my own and they think that us working out our problems is good. It was not a deal breaker in other words. My parents loved him dearly (for 2 years) before he was honest about this one thing...and I feel like they are harboring unforgiveness towards him for hurting me. Thanks sweetie!!!

Erin -
Thanks for your advice!!!

Hi,

I have been married for thirteen years to a prominent Baptist preacher's son, and we also have an eleven year old son with severe autism. When I first began to date my husband, his parents were very involved in our relationship. They seemed so nice and helpful. My parents were abusive, so I really fell for it, and I actually encouraged their involvement. In fact, I brought my future mother in law with me to make a final decision about my engagement ring!

After we got engaged, his parents were very pushy for us to get married. They actually said that if we wanted to go ahead and get married we could live with them, wouldn't have to pay for food or bills or anything until my husband went to grad school which was two years away. All we had to do was pay for our insurance and my school-which was paid for by scholarship.

Low and behold, it would take pages to tell everything, and I have been on this forum many times talking about them and their spiritual abuse, but I just want to say that on our honey moon, my father in law was meeting with another church in another state. I understand that God could call a pastor away, but I don't think that God wanted them to be so secretive about such a major possibility. These people offered us this help, but then got out of it as soon as possible. We did need to be separate. We did need to be responsible, but their offer and encouragement to get married when we did set us out on the wrong start, and yet they proclaimed that we should have known to do everything we could for ourselves. I was even quite forgiving at the time, but ....

In short, that was just the beginning, and I doubt that your parents are that wicked. They probably are just overinvolved because they do love you, but the relationship with them once you become an adult needs to be an adult to adult relationship. There are just guidelines that God has given us for becoming adults and getting married. Once we are married, we really are to "leave and cleave" which includes emotionally, physically, and spiritually. You don't cut your parents off, but the relationship changes. Your mom can no longer be your best friend, and its best not to disclose intimate details about your misunderstandings with your fiance. Even if she has good advice, you and your fiance have to learn to work things out on your own which you seem to be aware of now. It's going to be hard for your parents, and they will go through a grieving process, but that's normal, and you shouldn't feel guilty for being the adult God wants you to be. There's a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend who are Christian psychologists called "God Will Make A Way", who say "Marriage is not for children." I also recommend their books called, "Boundaries" and "Changes that Heal" because they address the issues of boundaries in marriage, etc.

As far as parents knowing whether or not your fiance is harmful to you, there are those situations. If your fiance is abusing you, it would be hard for any parent to want their child to marry someone like that. However, the truth of the matter is that in those situations, parents can't really rescue their children when they are adults. As an adult, it's really only you who can decide that you are worthy of a loving relationship without abuse. A parent can give their opinion, offer support and safety if their adult child makes the decision to get out of the relationship, but it really has to be the adult child's decision no matter what the circumstances. In fact, parents who meddle too much and try to rescue the adult child can actually push their adult child toward someone who is harmful because the adult child is very aware that they should make these decisions on their own and rebel. It's your decision about whether he's good for you or not. Also, I just think that since you are with a Christian counselor, that the counselor would be more objective, and I would follow the counselor's advice.

Sorry to go on and on, but I feel so strongly about leaving and cleaving after all that I've experienced. Yes, there is scripture about honoring your parents, but when you become an adult and move out, you are not under your parents' authority, and when the parents force you to choose, the leave and cleave commandment for marriage is the priority. I mean, I used to involve my in-law's in our disagreements, and I had to take responsibility for my behavior. I made a decision to stop that about 9 years ago after everything went farther than I ever expected it would with them. We learned to leave and cleave despite their constant guilt trips. They have yet to come around, but we know we are following God's plan. We never intended to cut them out of our lives completely, but they are constantly attacking our marriage and many other things, so we had to make a very hard decision. So, it's just my opinion that as an adult, you should always try to be as independent from your parents as possible, and especially when you are about to get married and get married.

Take care,
luvpiggy

I'm looking to move out of my parents house and be on my own for the first time as well. I'm 28 and would like to have my own space. However, I'm scared to death! I try to think of all the positives in it, like having friends over when I want, to have peace and quiet, etc. Then all the scary stuff comes to mind like sleeping alone at night, coming home from work to an empty place, etc. It definately drives my anxiety through the roof thinking about it

luvpiggy -

Thank you so much for you advice. My parents are very much like your husbands parents...our entire courtship they were overly involved in every detail, our best friends, our Pastor, etc. My dad has even said to me that he is the voice of God in my life. They loved my fiance dearly until he was honest about that one thing before our original wedding date (the offense was nothing like abuse...it was actually the fact that he let another girl kiss him way back when we were just dating and never told me). We had to cancel the wedding to work through the issues that ensued thereafter, which of course I took very hard because I'm overly sensitive and irrational. But we love each other very much and the counseling has been going so well. We've been going for 3 months now and our counselors really believe in him and us as a couple. Actually, anyone not related to me believes in us.

My ordeal is much like yours in that the guilt trips are there constantly and them making me feel like they have a better understanding of what God wants for my life. I feel like if I go against what they think, I will be going against God and making the biggest mistake of my life. It really hurts me because I see my dad embrace and forgive people in his church that have committed such HUGE offenses compared to this one. He was already calling my fiance "son". And my fiance is really hurt too...this is what he feared in finally telling me...becoming my parents enemy. My parents have always had ridiculous expectations of me my whole life, and I've usually been able to keep up with their approval. But not this time. It's so confusing and hurtful to hear them say they will never "approve". But my dad was ready to marry us just a few months ago. UGH. I know they are hurt from seeing me hurt (I took it super hard when he first confessed...you can only imagine...) but I feel like they will never be happy with me unless I move on and find somebody new. Or just be happy living at home with them and serving in their church.

Anyway, thanks for the book recommendations. I have 2 of those books, Boundaries and Changes. I will def start reading them now. I am also trying to stay in the word and prayer and in strong fellowship with other believers for encouragement. I need to stop living for their approval and make my life and my faith my own. OH THE ANXIETY!!!

Can you see why it's so hard for someone in my position to move out???

Have you asked your parents why they can't forgive your fiance when you forgave him. In the long run it doesn't matter what anyone thinks except for yourself. Don't get me wrong I completely understand the attachement to your parents I was that way if not way more attached and I never intentionally hurt my parents or even went against their "rules". However the one thing that I noticed is your dad is your paster and you said he has forgiven others of worse offenses, I would have to ask my father why he could "act as jesus" did by forgiving others but not do the same for your fiance. It's contradictory to forgive some but not others, it will be hard for them because they dont' want to see you get hurt but there comes a time when everyone has to make choices, you have a choice to make as do your parents, there is also a time when parents need to let their kids go and live life weather they make mistakes or not. My parents weren't happy when one of my sisters announced her engagement since they didn't care for her fiance, my father told her that she would get married have three kids and get divorced because he could see the writing on the wall that her fiance would cheat on her. Long story short, he cheated on her while they were engaged, she forgave him, married him, had three kids with him and divorced him, he cheated on her their whole 15 year marriage. I'm not saying this story is anything like your life, far from that, my point of this story is my parents disapproved but they let my sister make her own decisions and they supported her. They were always nice to my ex brother in law even though they didn't like what he did they were forgivng and nice to him for the sake of my sister.

Jer 17,

I can 100% understand why it is so hard for you right now. In fact, it's harder for you then it was for me because these are my in-law's and not my actually parents. Tell your fiance that they have seen me as the enemy for a long time. It is hurtful. It just got to this point where they were making me choose between them and God. For them to like me, I would have to be a racist, hate people who are disabled, move in with them and not be a mother to my child...for example, my mother in law thought my son was going to be her son, but ofcourse she withdrew her love when she found out he had autism, never ever get angry or sad, etc. The list would be crazy, and that's the last thing God wants.

Another book that is just my backbone for dealing with this situation second only to the Bible is "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse". I can't emphasize what an amazing impact that book has had on me for dealing with my in-law's, and just in my spiritual life in learning that God speaks to me and actually my in-law's would be the last people that God would use to guide me because their hearts are in the wrong place. We don't live in their community, but if we did, I don't think I could ever go to their church again and watch my father in law be so fake on the pulpit and promote their false image. Your parents may not be conscious of what they are doing, but they are spiritually abusing you when they use their position in the church to try to control you. Please understand that spiritual abuse doesn't have to mean that your parents cut the heads of chickens:), etc. That's why the book emphasizes that it's often "subtle". In addition, the book shows how Jesus spent most of his time on this earth healing and challenging the pharisees for their "subtle" spiritual abuse.

I mean, your dad saying that he is the main one that knows what God wants for you is very damaging. My father in law acts that way. What he wants is for my husband to quit acting like a grown up 35 year old and move back in with them. He wants my husband to divorce me, and he wants us to put our autistic son in an institution so that he will be separate from society because it makes them very uncomfortable to be around even innocent little children who are sick and don't add to their perfect image. I think in this situation, that since God uses bad situations for good, that God is using this painful situation to show you the truth about your parents because He wants to show you that He is the only One you need to be dependent on and that He will guide you in what's best for you. The vail has been torn.

I also want to share with you that the last time my brother in law contacted my husband and abused scripture to try to make my husband feel guilty about separating from his parents, my husband had a very vivid dream. He dreamt that we were in his parent's house with me and our son, and we were trying to get out. Where one of the walls should have been there was a sheet that was torn instead and on it was a picture of a Lion that my husband thought looked like Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia. We were able to escape through the sheet that we know represented Jesus and the torn vail. Outside my husband saw a crow sitting on a dead tree crowing to say we were escaping, and he realized in the dream that it was his brother spying on us and trying to make us go back to a place that God had clearly gotten us out of. My husband never dreams like that, and it just gave us peace, because we really don't want to have to cut them off, but they are just out to destroy us on so many levels, and God wants to protect us from that. The same with you.

I'm not telling you to cut your parents off, especially as a first step, but moving out on your own is a great step at independence. Just know that they are not going to see things differently. I hope they come around, but they may not. So, as this program says, "No one can make you feel guilty without your consent." My in-law's play the games, but they don't work on me and my husband because we decide not to fall for it after knowing the truth. Other people in their church may come around and say, "You're parents are just heartbroken that y'all don't go there", but only we're the ones that know how they ignore our son when we're there, the mean and indirect ways they try to manipulate us(I mean, I could tell you stories that would make your draw drop), that my grandmother in law said that my son was going to hell because of his autism, and we also know that when our son stopped breathing because of a seizure and was hospitalized that they wouldn't come and actually my mother in law was rude to me when I called her-actually they had just come to visit and when on and on about how my father in law sang "Twinkle Little Star" to a girl who was getting her stomach pumped, and then it was like God gave them the opportunity to be there for our son, and they didn't take it. Also, because of that visit, I decided to believe their story about how helpful they were, and it really hurt me in an emergency when my mother in law was so rude to me when the ambulance was on its way. So, we know the truth, and we just trust that God knows the truth and guides us. The people in the chruch only see the false image they put out.

The anxiety is hard to deal with, but you may find that when you deal with these issues of boundaries and self-confidence that you are not going against God, etc. your anxiety may improve from just getting away from them physically.

If you want to private message me to talk further, please feel free to do so because I am someone who definitely understands. A lot of people have controlling parents, but when you add the Pastor element and the spiritual abuse, not everyone understands the power of that, and I promise that I do. I will support you by private message in anyway I can. I really do know how hard it is, and I've had to work through so much. I want to say that there are times that I still struggle because it is so hard, but it gets easier with time to know that God is really guiding me. He's just an awesome God who wants you to be able to come to Him with no "go betweens". He can and does use people, but there are numerous times when pastors are actually the last people to go to. It's sad it's that way, but it's been that way for a long time, and Jesus went to town with those Pharisees over it:). Jesus is going to bat for you right now as well. He really is.

God bless you,
luvpiggy