Stress Center Peer Support

Warning...this is kinda lengthy but I'm dealing with some stress caused by this right now...So I at least DID have a facebook account(that has been deactivated)...and this is what happened....I updated my About Me section to voice how I feel about certain things..including my wonderful husband Chris.

Chris has an ex who I will just call A since that's her initial. This girl has been getting on with so much bull lately I don't even know where to start. And this isn't the first time it's happened.

They stopped dating in '04. She expressed no interest in him. In '05 he dated someone else and she started to throw a hissy fit...more than a hissy fit..she turned psycho. The other girl didn't work out and he got over that but not really till he found me two years later. After the incident in '05 he couldn't trust A anymore but decided to try and stay friends with her simply because she had expressed regret for her actions. Unfortunately he also rebounded with her after the other girl because it broke his heart and he lost hope etc... Fast forward to March of '07. We meet...she finds out ...she's fine. June '07...we begin a relationship...he tells her he can't do "stuff" with her anymore (you know what I mean)...he realizes he's found someone to love and he can actually be happy...she says she always knew it was coming because she knew he didn't love her and they were just good friends and he was depressed (sounds like "The Notebook" doesn't it? lol)...so...again this friend/ex acts fine.

She accepts this. And we get involved and he begins to crawl out of this hell he'd been in.

She acted fine till sometime last summer when she started getting an attitude. We came across her twitter and she was making fun of both me and him.

Let me say...I never trusted this girl...my gut told me she was bad news. I was teased a lot in school and I think I have good intuition about people....on top of that later I found out exactly how she had behaved in '05 but Chris was convinced she was truly a real friend now. And instead felt bad for the fact he ever did anything with her after his last girlfriend and felt he had wronged her etc Even though she knew what she was getting herself into. She knew it was never going to work and it was just rebounding.

We all met up in May of '08 on a visit to his former town he had lived in where this girl lives... We went to supper at Red Lobster and she wouldn't shut up about their old days together...and I felt quite literally I was baited by her at one point. Me and Chris call each other Peter and Wendy because we're big kids and love Peter Pan. She started talking about how when they had started dating he was practically scared of his own shadow...and then went on to say she had to sew it back on. This girl KNEW we call each other that. She KNOWS that's what Wendy does for Peter and it didn't occur to us at that time but later he remembered just before me and him got together she had said to him "I wish I could be your Wendy"...so it became even more apparent after this that she was trying to send me some kind of message and get under my skin and i hate to say it worked. After a couple minutes of trying to contain my anger and tears because I couldn't believe I was still sitting at the table with this woman...I said I had to go to the washroom and Chris got up with me...she acted perfectly innocent "what's wrong?" I think she knew what was wrong personally but anyhow....we visited her apartment with her and her friend and left after about an hour. I didn't like this girl but I figured if I carried on about it with Chris he'd get defensive because he felt she really had changed her ways (again this was before we remembered what she had said to him back then about the figurative Wendy stuff).

Fast forward to last summer....after acting completely okay...and not only that...getting engaged herself to her boyfriend of over a year...starts acting crappy. Chris had already decided there was nothing in common there anymore and to talk to her anymore ...well...there really was no point. She was always a bad influence...and nothing but bad memories....but especially after finding out some things she had said about the both of us....that was the last straw. She was out. He didn't say anything to her...we don't live near her...they didn't talk that often anymore and it was just a very smooth transition to make. To weed out the people in your life you shouldn't have there because they're bad for you.

Fast forward again to this past fall. In November we got married. On facebook I had tagged a friend of Chris in the photos as he was best man. This guy happened to be mutual friends with this girl (just out of civility). She took it upon herself to steal one of these pictures...post it on her facebook and make derogatory remarks about it. This friend deleted and blocked her after reporting the image a copyright violation.

A few days later she rings up Chris' cell phone while it was off and leaves a message saying congratulations on the wedding and happy thanksgiving. This was obviously her trying to do damage control or see if she had any kind of influence on him still. He didn't acknowledge the phone call. She started telling people that Chris had asked his friend to delete her AFTER she made the call.

#1 Chris never asked his friend to delete anyone.
#2 Our friend deleted and blocked her BEFORE the phone call.
#3 She did something wrong anyhow...by making fun of us even BEFORE she did what she did with the picture...so even so we'd have every right to make the request (not a demand)...which we didn't anyhow.
#4 It was obvious before she stole the picture she was NEVER interested in being my friend. She saw my name umpteen times on facebook through mutual friends wall posts and she never once friend requested.
#5 You could say it's because she is jealous and she feels I took Chris from her (even though they knew it wasn't permanent) but she's good friends with another girl who quite LITERALLY stole a former boyfriend...

Her facebook wall posts basically consist of nothing but annoyance about Chris....it's been almost 3 years since he even lived in her area and she's still going on and on about it. Even though she is supposedly happy with her fiance. She just doesn't. shut. up.

So I updated my about me section the other day and basically got on with my usual mush. Just saying how great we feel to have found each other etc and how we truly feel like soul mates etc.

I will admit I put in a section about people who bully and I said in asterix in case she looked me up ***that includes people who steal photos without permission.If you're so happy with your life leave us the hell alone.***

I then went on to talk about my love of the arts and how I'm working on a bunch of different things...how I took voice lessons for 5 years etc...just my general interests like most do.

So about 24 hours later I find out she saw that (Chris' friends wife is still friends with her on there but she's not taking any sides..she's still my friend too...so she probably clicked my name through her wall on facebook) and had a good laugh with her mom and friends....what was so funny i have no idea...she comes back and changes her about me section in almost the EXACT same format as how I had written mine...saying about her relationship and how she doesn't see the need to go on and on because she doesn't feel the need to try and make anyone "jealous" and that if you are in a relationship with someone you don't need to voice anything on a place like facebook because the love will just show and that people who type this stuff up are only trying to convince themselves it's love.

Has this girl gone stark raving mad? Has she never heard of talking poetically about love? That's all I did...she assumes it's about her. And to try and make her jealous.

I went on to talk about my singing and how i've performed in theatre near the end of my about me section and she goes on about how she's going to try and get into their local opera house. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS GIRL????? Is she trying to one up me? What's her issue? Because she wasn't Chris' type from the very beginning and they didn't last but I AM his type and it burns her up? Why? If she is so happy with her own life...MOVE ON WITH IT. NOT EVERYTHING is about her but she always takes it as such. UNBELIEVABLE. She posted to her cousin on her wall saying "I can be happy and make others miserable right?" We kinda take this as a threat. This girl is really ticking me off. I want some peace and quiet already. I've deactivated my facebook for now because I just don't want to deal with this garbage. Why was she even clicking on my name in the first place? I did it after she threw the first punch to keep track of her farting around. I feel like I have a frigging stalker! She would have had to have been clicking my name almost every day to have caught the profile update that quickly. Essentially...before we even got married...before she got to steal that picture...if you look back in her posts from before that...she was always posting constantly on her wall about what makes Chris sucky and what makes her fiance the best. Who's really trying to convince themselves?

Chris' friend...the one who had deleted A....said he doesn't think A is necessarily not over Chris just that she wants to have INFLUENCE over him. And knowing what I know about their past I'm convinced he has it right.

That time I mentioned when we visited in '08 and went to Red Lobster..that morning she had texted him asking him to meet up with her without me at a local fast food place. I didn't like this but he reassured me even if she tried something that nothing would happen and he wanted to be sure of what she was up to...so he went and she didn't even try anything. But after what his friend said to me yesterday...I think he has it right...she wanted to see if she could get him to meet up without me cause it showed some kind of control. Really he was perfectly in control he just was testing her.

But I can't get my tummy to calm down....I am so angry and upset and I don't even know why she gets to me....she's proven to be a drunk, trashy, pushy, rude, loud mouthed and I could go on but I won't and I'm just tired of her PUSHING her way into our lives. She crossed the line when she stole the picture and made nasty comments about it (really it was the insults on her twitter but this was the major one).

I'm just so annoyed right now. We figured she would have kicked up a fuss in the beginning like she did in the past with the other girl if she was going to follow her previous pattern but nope...she tries "it" NOW. Whatever "it" is. Three years later. Both times they were not a couple when she started this.

The other thing is saturday she was having a barrel burning and had all of her friends invited over to burn all kinds of stuff she still had from her relationship with Chris. She claims it's because it's disrespectful to her current fiance to keep it but that's a bunch of bull because she's been with him for going on 2 years now. She had to make a spectical out of it....another thing about this girl is she's had a stomach stapling and has gotten super thin. Her attitude has gotten worse since this has happened. Not to mention she joined a page on facebook called "Seeing your ex with their new partner and noticing they've downgraded".

I've had it...what is up her butt??????


ADDED NOTE: We talked to a psychologist and he's pretty sure the definitiion is "Sociopath". Though obviously on the lower end of the scale.....http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html How the heck do we deal with that? ahh!!!

Hi There,

I read through part of your post and it sounds like you are really hurting here. I understand that you are feeling really victimized by the things this person is doing.

But what I think is the best thing to do it act like the bigger person and just let it ALL go. I know how hard things like this can be, I can tell there's a lot of drama going on, and that there's a lot of things said, heard and a lot of misunderstandings. And I know that it's very painful just to think about what she might be saying or writing about you.

Really the best thing to do is to drop everything - if you have any suggestive wording on facebook, delete it.

Just get on with your life, and don't let yourself feed into this vicious cycle of negativity and bickering.

Tell yourself that it is okay to be the one to drop it and move on. There is no need to have the last word, or last thought or last action on this back and forth type of stuff. Let her. Let her say what she wants and think what she wants.

Just stand back and allow her to do what she is going to do and it will soon disappear within a week or so. Your husband knows what's going on and he's with you, there is no need to feed into the drama. See, my husband would have laughed at her big drama about stealing the Wendy/Peter Pan thing, but it got to you, and I can totally understand. If I was in a certain mindset, I can see stuff like that getting to me too. But it's so ridiculous and desperate, that to look at it as amusing would have saved yourself a lot of anxiety and grief. Just think "how silly she or that is".

Remember that every time you engage, you lower yourself to her level, just let her do her thing and move on.

I guarantee, within a few weeks you will look back on this time like it was a weird dream that you got a little caught up in.

Please understand that I am in no way trying to make it look like your pain is trivial - it is not!

But, by engaging and over-analyzing and over-thinking all the things that has gone on between you or between her and you DH, you are really dragging on your stress and anxiety. Can you see this happening?

By diffusing it, being the bigger person, and letting her do what she wants to do - who looks silly - not you! And by not feeling like you have to defend yourself or explain what is happening, by just letting her do her thing, it soon goes away, she has no more fuel and she can no longer entertain herself because guess what, nobody cares! And those who are an audience to her are just as ridiculous, so they too are not worth it.

I hope that helps.

P.S. I just wanted to mention that I noticed that your husband met with her and that is just not okay at all. Unless they have a child together there should be no contact out of respect for you. That's very important here. He's with you, not her. He doesn't need to meet with her to prove anything. All ties need to be cut so you can have peace and move on to bigger and better and more important things.

Thanks for your response...I deactivated my facebook afterward because I didn't want to deal with the drama anymore. I just can't understand this is all. So there is no continous bickering..the thing about this girl...and my husband knows from experience...is that this girl harps on things for years sometimes...that's our concern. And what if she says something to the wrong person and it has a price?

As for the meeting up..i hope you didn't misunderstand but I'll clarify something...he was still friends with this girl when we met....we started going out. We went on a visit back to the hometown in may of '08..almost a year since we'd started out as a couple. She left him a text requesting they meet at the fast food place and she wouldn't tell him why. He told me what was going on..he reassured me nothing bad was going to happen and he loved me and was very open with me about it...he just figured if anything the likely thing was that she had some private issues to do with her boyfriend at the time she might have wanted to talk about but didn't want a stranger to hear or something. He trusted her as a friend at this point but figured since it was public there would be no harm in finding out what was going on because if she said anything to him he'd be gone anyhow..and it wasn't like she could do anything in a public place. So he went and she didn't do anything. However in hindsight he feels it was wrong because now he knows better what she's like and that she was prably testing her influence on him. And i guess in a way because he trusted her as a friend (and shouldnt have) she sort of did...just not in the way she was prably hoping. He'd never do that now. Never ever. He was prepared at the time to tell her to bugger off. He wouldn't have met up in private that's for sure.

So yeah that was going on 2 years ago now not during this whole fiasco. He'd never meet with her now. He'd be too scared of throttling her i think lol

The whole situation sounds very immature. Let it go. You'll feel much better if you did.

Maybe talking to your husband as to why you both were going out to dinner with this girl, going to her appartment, and why he was meeting up with her alone would answer a whole lot of questions.

She sounds like she got really cute after her weightloss surgery, and you're a little jealous. But you have to focus on what you have that's good in your life and not on her.

there are going to be mean people in life, but you have to learn to react to them differently.

Laugh at the situation. And her antics. Cause it's silly!

This sounds like highschool stuff girl.

May I ask your age? And if you have the program. There are a few lessons in the program that will help you so much!

Originally posted by deedee00:
The whole situation sounds very immature. Let it go. You'll feel much better if you did.

Maybe talking to your husband as to why you both were going out to dinner with this girl, going to her appartment, and why he was meeting up with her alone would answer a whole lot of questions.

She sounds like she got really cute after her weightloss surgery, and you're a little jealous. But you have to focus on what you have that's good in your life and not on her.

there are going to be mean people in life, but you have to learn to react to them differently.

Laugh at the situation. And her antics. Cause it's silly!

This sounds like highschool stuff girl.

May I ask your age? And if you have the program. There are a few lessons in the program that will help you so much!

We were going out to dinner with her for the same reasons we' go out to dinner with a male friend of his....and she brought one of her friends along too. During the day she was on her lunch break and wanted to meet up alone at the fast food place for an hour. That's the thing here she wasn't "just an ex" she was a friend like any other friend...and was being treated as such. If any of his guy friends had asked the same thing he would have gone too just because he felt it might have been a friend who needed help on something that was too private to talk about in front of someone they've never met before or something of the like.

Why do you think i'm jealous of her after her weightloss? This was something my husband would worry would happen once she had that surgery..she is the type to get a really big head over this stuff..she use to say how skinny I was...and for that matter...how do you know i'm not skinny? This has nothing to do with jealousy it has to do with how her attitude changed after she had surgery.

I agree this sounds like high school stuff and i hate the feeling that it's like i'm in junior high again. The thing is we've gone to a psychologist about this and he has labelled her a sociopath...and we just don't know what to do when a sociopath decides to try and make ur life a nightmare for no other reason than her and her friends are bored because they do nothing but drink. How do you hide from it in the digital age where people can even pay to find your e-mail address? (Intelius.com)

I'm 27...i've had the program since 2001. I've been through it a couple times and it helped but this feels far beyond it because some situations are out of our control. And I'll admit fully this is. I just don't know what I'm suppose to do about it. I don't even know if the law can get involved unless she's already done something seriously wrong.

Apparently this girl shop lifts all the time and she works at a bank and broke the privacy rules once. She has this friend who tried to distance herself from her and she lied about where she was living....this girl found this friend on the bank records and called her up and told her she knew where she lived and la dee da. So the friend phones the bank to complain and when they confront her about what she did she managed to talk her way out of it and she still has a job there. This is the type of person we're dealing with. What do you do with a person who can get away with breaking privacy rules in a bank even?

Bottom line about the meeting up thing...if she was being treated as just a friend then she was treated the same as the rest of his friends. And if they had asked the same thing he would have done the same thing. It was in a public place. And I knew about everything before he did it. I said to go ahead. It was only an hour and it was for lunch. He figured something private was wrong. She was with someone else at the time. He'd meet up with any other friend alone and that includes men. I don't see what the big fuss is about this aspect. We just know in hindsight sociopaths are about influence and control and that she was prably testing him. She acted fine about us we had no reason to think she was going to say anything at dinner. Her attitude became more apparent in time. It wasn't at the time. But I really don't get your logic in saying she got cute and I'm jealous. #1 I didn't think she was very big to begin with I didn't even think she needed the surgery but she got it. #2 She use to say she thought I was skinny and I didn't get a bloated head but I know a lot of people DO when they lose a ton of weight. And he brought this up to me about her before it had even gotten to this point (where she was this skinny) because he knows sometimes a persons attitude changes and all of a sudden they act rude and mean to people and she is.

Hi Krista,

I can tell that this girl is really driving you crazy. This is what she wants. What you really should do is find ways to occupy yourself so that you care less about what she does in her own private life that is her business.

There are so many people I know who do really bad, wrong, ignorant and selfish things and they aren't going to stop until THEY want to. Do you think this girl is any different?

I say, WHO CARES if she has had plastic surgery, if she did something illegal at a bank, if she took your photo and wrote things about you. WHO CARES if she shoplifts. Let the authorities deal with her. It will ALL catch up to her one day!

One day she will meet with God and answer for herself.

Do you trust God? God created you in a special way, He has every hair on your head counted, God's in love with you. He takes care of His own. If you seek Him you will see that he will take care of you, too.

What you need to do is find ways to get this girl out of your head. Seek Higher and More Important Things in Your Life!

And if she is threatening you physically, then of course you can do something, but she really just sounds like a pest, a fly that keeps buzzing by your ear that is driving you crazy. Someone who is desperately trying to rule your life and get inside your head. And it sounds like she might be succeeding. Do you really want her to succeed?

She would love nothing more than to know that she is getting inside your head. So wouldn't it be to your advantage to NOT give her the time of day?

The best revenge, they say is a life well-lived. So go out and live it, enjoy your new husband and new life and make every day the best ever!

The one and only thing we are truly concerned about here is the damage she might do. I know this is what if thinking...just we have plans that differ from normal couples...we write together and everything and we just don't know what she might pull one of these days...I don't know if any of you have fallen victim to online stalkers or anything like that...but they can cause things to spread like a virus if they want to...and we're very scared she is just that capable. My hsuband is so convinced she can talk her way out of anything now that he feels even if she DID try something the authorities would be talked out of it. Just because she's always gotten away with everything.


She's unstable...her profile picture over christmas was her holding up a knife like a psycho. But no one there sees anything wrong with her...and she has a fiance. Everyone up there acts crazy like her...she's just stepped up a huge notch and she ALWAYS blames her behavior on alcohol. She drinks ALL the time. I know she has issues it's just it's the digital age and if it wasn't the digital age it wouldn't scare us as much but you can literally find anything on anyone for a price.

Krista, she will only do the damage that you two allow. You are right, there is a lot of "what if" thinking. Stop doing that, and deal with whatever comes along the way.

Do you think you are the first person to have your name dragged through the mud or the media all over you or people believing false things about you - this kind of stuff happens all the time.

This kind of stuff has happened to Lucinda herself. It was not pretty, the kind of stuff that has happened to her. But she overcame it.

It's your reaction that counts. All this stress, worry and "what if" thinking is going to make you two sick. And if may even pull you apart.

This is just a sick girl. That is all she is. Ignore her and move on.

Originally posted by Shifrah:
Krista, she will only do the damage that you two allow. You are right, there is a lot of "what if" thinking. Stop doing that, and deal with whatever comes along the way.

Do you think you are the first person to have your name dragged through the mud or the media all over you or people believing false things about you - this kind of stuff happens all the time.

This kind of stuff has happened to Lucinda herself. It was not pretty, the kind of stuff that has happened to her. But she overcame it.

It's your reaction that counts. All this stress, worry and "what if" thinking is going to make you two sick. And if may even pull you apart.

This is just a sick girl. That is all she is. Ignore her and move on.

Well this is why I deactivated my facebook so she had no more medium to try and contact or whatever. She just...my husband was until recently the longest relationship she ever had...and though they hadn't dated since '04...she's the type to hold a grudge for a very long time. Even on people who are just friends (like the girl she phoned using bank records). But you're right it is what if thinking...actually I knew that myself already....the girl just seems capable of anything. And my husband knows what my anxiety is like and he's scared she could make up anything she wants and i'll believe her. There are ways around that too though but we're both on pins and needles....he's worried about me mostly...because he knows how wound up i get....see...I was on this forum a long time ago under a different user name...and I came back under this one once before...so in case no one knows...even if something is an obvious lie I have a tendancy to second guess my knowledge of something and second guess whether it's a lie or not. I don't do this with much any more but he's just nervous for me because i hadn't been doing to well even before she started all this....and by definition sociopaths don't care what they do to another..they don't have any empathy whatsoever. He feels so paranoid he wants to get on meds himself now which I will admit...I've kinda wondered even before now if he has anxiety disorder himself.

Well I sure did try. It seems nothing I wrote here had much of an effect on you.

You just keep going back to the circumstance outside yourself and refuse to address how you choose to react.

You and you alone gets to choose how you feel and how you react to people and situations.

Hopefully you'll go through the program again.

Good luck with that.