Stress Center Peer Support

The following is my journal entry for today. There are several areas I'd like to get some of your thoughts on...

July 28, 2009
Week 3 of Combatting Stress and Depression Program. This week is all about negative and positive “self-talk”. In all honesty, I’ve never put much credence into this concept of self-talk. To me it has always seemed a little like hokus-pokus, pollianna, hippy-dippy drivel! But, everybody keeps telling me it really is important and really does work. So, I will suspend my doubts and disbelief and go with the flow!

Last night was bad. I had another fight with mom about my anxiety. I totally understand how she feels – I’ve really put a huge burden on her because I’m not able to work and bring in any money. She’s trying to pay all her bills plus mine and it’s not working. I know I need to go back to work soon and start contributing, but trying to get her to understand that I can’t make it happen overnight is not easy. I think we came to an arrangement that will work.

I agreed to take a Xanax every night before bed. I told her she could watch me take it. I also told her I would let her read my journal everyday as proof that I really was working this program. If after 30 days I haven’t improved, I will agree to whatever she thinks is necessary whether it is going to see a doctor and getting on stronger medication or whatever else she thinks needs to happen. In exchange, she agrees not to push on me so hard to “hurry up” and get better knowing that this causes me anxiety on top of what’s already there. Also, I agreed to try and do things that cause me anxiety so long as she agrees that if I’ve had a day that I’ve felt really anxious and don’t feel like going out to eat or to the store she won’t get mad.

I have a huge fear of the Xanax part of the deal! I have a friend who is addicted to Xanax. In fact, he’s so addicted that one time about a year ago he showed up outside my bedroom window at midnight because he couldn’t get me on the phone and he wanted some of mine. That was when I really started distancing myself from him. The last I heard, he was taking up to 5 of the 1mg tab’s a day. Where he gets them I don’t know and I don’t think I want to know. But, what I do know is that I don’t want to end up like him. I don’t want to be addicted to the Xanax. I’m going to try and call a friend of mine who is a drug counselor later today and get some reassurance about this. I don’t want to be popping pills the rest of my life.

This morning when I woke up I didn’t feel as anxious as I normally do in the mornings – probably because of the med’s last night. I’ve noticed lately that I get very jittery feeling after I eat breakfast in the mornings. I’m sure that it’s just because my blood sugar goes up (which is normal after 12 or more hours of no food), but I, of course, overreact to it and immediately think something bad is happening. Today wasn’t so bad. I ate a biscuit and a piece of bacon. I did feel jittery afterward, but it didn’t get too bad and certainly didn’t result in a panic attack like yesterday.

As I’m writing this I’d say my anxiety level is about a 3 out of 10. I listened to Session 3 earlier and the story on there about the woman who had a heart attack because of stress and worry really scared me! That’s one of my biggest fears is that I will panic myself into a heart attack. I know that no one has ever died of a panic attack, but I also know that people have stressed and panicked themselves into heart attacks and I’m afraid of doing that. When I heard her story my anxiety shot up suddenly. I got very nervous thinking about it. But, I did OK I think. Instead of laying there dwelling on her story and the possibility of doing it to myself I got up and began straightening my bedroom as I was listening. I think working in there must have worked off the excess adrenaline in my body because I started feeling better. Now, about 30 minutes later, I’m only mildly nervous. When I finish this entry I’m going to go fix lunch and the get back to work in my room. I need to learn to distract myself when I get anxious like that.

I’ve done a lot of running around today trying to help out where I can. That always makes me a little anxious because I’m afraid I’ll screw something up, but I’m OK for now. I’m still waiting on the call back from the University of Phoenix to see if I can finish up my degree there. That’s not my first choice, but as of right now there is no way I could possibly attend classes in Tyler and I don’t want to jeopardize my student loan by registering for classes and then not being able to attend. So, I’m kind of on hold right now which is a feeling I don’t like. Hopefully, the UofP rep will call back soon and I can get some information from her.

Also...I'm blogging my journey through this program and I'd love it if some of you would join in the convo there as well. My blog is at http://jwalkergs.wordpress.com/ Please feel free to comment and sign up...don't worry this is NOT an attempt to make money. I'm not running a business here...just trying to make my life better.

Jason -

I'm sorry you have to deal with both your own anxiety plus the pressure that your mother is adding. But the main reason I wanted to reply is related to your use of Xanax. Do you have anxiety at night or are you trying to use the
Xanax as a preventative medication? Of course I'm not a doctor, but I wanted to pass on some information that has been given to me by my doctors.

Based on what I've been told, Xanax and the other benzodiazapines have relatively short half-lives. That means that most of the medication is out of your system before you wake up in the morning (assuming you sleep for eight hours). Taking a Xanax before bed should not make you feel any better in the morning.

I've also been told that taking benzos can disrupt your sleep cycle, so again taking them before bed might not be the best approach. You may want to discuss these issues with your doctor.

One last thing to be aware of is that some of the benzos have a "rebound" effect. This means that you may feel more anxious after the medication wears off than before you took it. For this reason, you may find that you're waking up more anxious in the mornings if your taking it before bed.

I'm not sharing this with you to discourage your use of Xanax, but just so you are aware of all the information. Again, I would recommend confirming this with your doctor before making any changes.

Jason
there are some places that are legit that are work you can do from home. Hubby did it for a while when we had no car. one place is
Alpine Access
and here some other ones. These are Legit online work at home places not scams at all!
Arise
tutor.com
oDesk
elance

google them and see if one of them works for you. I am not sure if Alpine works in your state because of the time zone but check it out okay? Alpine pays like 9 an hour and they are very flexible part time work. And you get paid weekly. There is hope
I am sure anything will help mom feel better ya know? also has she listened to the CD that is called "I will be there For You" its by Lucinda made especially for friend and family and loved ones of the person with panic or anxiety issues. It really helped my hubby TONS.

take care

J~

Thanks for the responses...

SR - I pretty much have anxiety all the time. The only thing that varies are the levels at which is manifests. Taking the Xanax at night is actually what my doctor recommended and is how he wrote the perscription. It seems to help me this way. I doesn't keep me from being anxious, but what it does is just even me out so that I'm not going from one extreme to the other like I had been. My intention is not to use it forever, but only until I can start using the tools in the program to control my anxiety. That's why I was concerned about the addiction aspect. I want to be able to come off the Xanax as soon as possible.

Jillz - thanks for the info on the online jobs. I will check them out. I have tried in the past but all of the ones I came across seemed to be scams or wanted me to pay some ungodly amount of money for "training" or "marketing materials". Unfortunately for them, I'm not stupid! LOL...thanks again, I'll let you know what I find out!

Jason
The Alpine Access we heard about because they are based in Denver and the others I got off of Good Morning America a while back when they did a special report on work at home scams. They gave a list of ones that were really true blue and those are the ones I mentioned. Infact the article/interview might still be on the GMA's website?
I can tell you the Alpine Access jobs are customer service jobs that are outsourced to home reps. You can work for 1-800-Flowers to OfficeDepot or Jcrew or I forget but theres another catalog and I think a bank too? you get paid training and you use yahoo chat for your boss contact each day. It's really cool. Also the Tutor.com was a freelance site and since you are such a good writer you could possibly tutor some kids online with assignments etc. I think you set your own pay and all that? Anyway best of luck to you.
Blessings right back at ya!

Jill~

Thanks, Jillz! I just got done with the Alpine Access application and stuff. Here's hopin'.....

Seriously?? That is awesome!! There is an investment you have to make of a headset for your phone but hubby got one pretty fair priced at I think Office Max?
I hope that works out for you !!

Jason .
any news? I pray one of these work out for you. And anyone else who is homebound and looking for work these are great places to start.
Bless You,

Jilly~

Hey Jillz...I haven't heard anything yet from A.A., but they said that it could be up to 10 days. Hopefully, I will hear something soon. The only thing I'm worried about is my credit rating...it's not great and I know they do a credit check. I still haven't had a chance to look at the other ones you gave me. But, I'm going to do that tonight.