Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 2:57 am
Hi everyone,
I'm going to be long winded here and Im apologizing in advance.
I've been through a lot the past 5 years or so. My father is an alcoholic and has been for 22 years of my 29 year old life. And even though I worried most of my life about it, I used to be able to look past it and get on with my life till about 5 years ago. About 4 or 5 years ago, he started to get really bad! He drank way too much and was getting drunk to the point of unresponsive at times. I had just started a relationship with
my now husband and was away from home more then usual. When I was home, I was the one that faced and tried to help my father all the time about his alcoholism. Out of sight, out of mind did not help me! I soon developed a problem swallowing food and had heartburn. I thought I was dying! I had lost so much weight. Im 5' 10" and used to weigh 135 lbs and went down to 117 lbs. It was so scary! So I went through so many tests: Upper GI Series, Barium Swallow Test, Cat Scan, Endoscopy and Colonoscopy only to find out there was nothing wrong. I then realized I may have become my fathers co-dependent. I felt as if I experienced all the symptoms I thought he was experiencing in his body from drinking for so long. I can NOW look back and realize it could have been anxiety the whole time. But, after I found out I wasn't dying of anything, I felt better except for the fact that my dad kept on drinking. A few months later my husband proposed to me. I was so happy about getting engaged but my dad was just getting worse and worse. So I was planning my wedding and bringing my father back and forth to the hospital to detox, AA meetings and High Focus! Yah, he was trying but it just wasn't enough! I just wanted my dad to be alive to walk me down the isle and I would beg him to be there for me, sober. Well, through the rough of it all, he did end up walking me down that isle sober! A positive I guess! But it destroyed my whole experience of getting married! I planned the wedding almost in a fog the whole time because that's not where my mind was. It was with my dad. On top of everything, my boss was a very hard man to work for and my job was driving me crazy! I'm a graphic artist and you really need to be alert to create! Anyway, 4 days after my wedding I had my first panic attack! It was horrible! I thought I was dying again but this time for real! We all know that feeling, right! And have been suffering from it for 1 year and 5 months! In October of last year, we finally went on our honeymoon to Aruba. They guarantee 360 days of sunshine! It rained the entire week we were there. Flooding, the whole bit! My husband and I argued the whole time! Shocking! Then 5 days after being back I was let go from my job I had for 8 years cause of the economy. So, now I sit here, unemployed still, dad's still drinking, my moms blood pressure is up from it and I'm worried about her, I have GAD, I found out I have Hashimotos (Thyroid condition), my husband and I have been arguing almost our entire relationship cause of trust issues and feel like I'm losing my mind! I just wanted to get married and have children! What do I do? Sorry! I just needed to get that all out! I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I feel pathetic! I do get through the days, not avoiding places or situations because of my GAD. I've been trying to use the program and I try to get freelance work where ever I can. I'm still trying to help my dad and my mom and my husband and I are working through our issues. I want to have a baby soon but think that I just can't right now. I take xanax, I still smoke and have too many stresses that could effect a baby! HELP me! Please! Should I see someone? That is the only thing I haven't done thus far. My GP and Endo suggested I have GAD but could it be PTSD?
I'm so sorry for talking so long! I know there are way worse scenarios and people go through a lot worse. I just feel so horrible!
xoxo
Jen
I'm going to be long winded here and Im apologizing in advance.

my now husband and was away from home more then usual. When I was home, I was the one that faced and tried to help my father all the time about his alcoholism. Out of sight, out of mind did not help me! I soon developed a problem swallowing food and had heartburn. I thought I was dying! I had lost so much weight. Im 5' 10" and used to weigh 135 lbs and went down to 117 lbs. It was so scary! So I went through so many tests: Upper GI Series, Barium Swallow Test, Cat Scan, Endoscopy and Colonoscopy only to find out there was nothing wrong. I then realized I may have become my fathers co-dependent. I felt as if I experienced all the symptoms I thought he was experiencing in his body from drinking for so long. I can NOW look back and realize it could have been anxiety the whole time. But, after I found out I wasn't dying of anything, I felt better except for the fact that my dad kept on drinking. A few months later my husband proposed to me. I was so happy about getting engaged but my dad was just getting worse and worse. So I was planning my wedding and bringing my father back and forth to the hospital to detox, AA meetings and High Focus! Yah, he was trying but it just wasn't enough! I just wanted my dad to be alive to walk me down the isle and I would beg him to be there for me, sober. Well, through the rough of it all, he did end up walking me down that isle sober! A positive I guess! But it destroyed my whole experience of getting married! I planned the wedding almost in a fog the whole time because that's not where my mind was. It was with my dad. On top of everything, my boss was a very hard man to work for and my job was driving me crazy! I'm a graphic artist and you really need to be alert to create! Anyway, 4 days after my wedding I had my first panic attack! It was horrible! I thought I was dying again but this time for real! We all know that feeling, right! And have been suffering from it for 1 year and 5 months! In October of last year, we finally went on our honeymoon to Aruba. They guarantee 360 days of sunshine! It rained the entire week we were there. Flooding, the whole bit! My husband and I argued the whole time! Shocking! Then 5 days after being back I was let go from my job I had for 8 years cause of the economy. So, now I sit here, unemployed still, dad's still drinking, my moms blood pressure is up from it and I'm worried about her, I have GAD, I found out I have Hashimotos (Thyroid condition), my husband and I have been arguing almost our entire relationship cause of trust issues and feel like I'm losing my mind! I just wanted to get married and have children! What do I do? Sorry! I just needed to get that all out! I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I feel pathetic! I do get through the days, not avoiding places or situations because of my GAD. I've been trying to use the program and I try to get freelance work where ever I can. I'm still trying to help my dad and my mom and my husband and I are working through our issues. I want to have a baby soon but think that I just can't right now. I take xanax, I still smoke and have too many stresses that could effect a baby! HELP me! Please! Should I see someone? That is the only thing I haven't done thus far. My GP and Endo suggested I have GAD but could it be PTSD?
I'm so sorry for talking so long! I know there are way worse scenarios and people go through a lot worse. I just feel so horrible!
xoxo
Jen