Hello Bryce,
Thank you so much for responding. I have read your post a bunch of times when I am doubting myself or having a rough time and it always make me feel a little bit better. I am trying really hard not to get down on myself for not having a job but it is VERY hard for me. I beat myself up and then start the downward spiral of negative thinking. I have to stop being so hard on myself but I'm my worst critic. Catching my negative thoughts and writing them down is very hard. Im writing negative things down alllll the time and then starring at the page struggling to find positive ones. It really is like learning a new language. I really don't know how to start loving myself. I definitely need to work on my self worth, self confidence, and self esteem. I just honestly don't know how or where to start.
Again, thank you sooo much for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it.
Taylor
Boy can I relate to having a rough time and not making progress in stopping the self criticizing. Thank God, and I mean that, there is this program and Dr. David Burns. Both are great resources for getting better and feeling better.
I would pay attention to whatever Coach Chris says. She is very skilled with CBT and the program.
I would concentrate on Lesson 3 first, then lesson 4.
My Workbook on Lesson 3 states, "Practice going one hour or a whole day without saying anything negative or complaining. Note your experience."
"Practice for one day saying as many realistic, positive things about yourself and others as you possibly can. Note your experience."
"In your journal or on a sheet of paper, make a list of at least ten positive things about you and your life."
So, what about it, Taylor? Can you list ten positive things about yourself and about your life? I know when I felt like you are feeling now I couldn't. I didn't feel like I was worth anything to anybody. I was and am married to the most beautiful woman, inside and out, that ever walked this planet. I have the most wonderful Son that a Dad could ever imagine. And I felt like I totally failed them as a Father and as a provider. I could not get my darn sleep cycle stable enough to work for someone. I tried, and tried, and tried, over and over and over again. I was a worm. That's the way I felt.
Much of what I was thinking was untrue. Yes I had made some serious mistakes and yes I had hurt both of them due to the struggles I was having and especially the way I was thinking and felt about myself. Sometimes I thought they would be better off without me. In truth they may have been better off without me around, but all the counsel I received from family and professional counselors was that that wasn't true.
Not being able to work just added to the suffering.
Anyway, I was hurting terribly and I needed someone to understand what I was going through. I was praying daily, "God, please help me. Pleassssssssssssssssse help me. I am lost and I don't know how to get out of this. Please, please, please."
Then one day I opened up our local newspaper, around November, 1999, to read the local high school basketball team results from the night before. As I turned the pages, I came upon a full page ad from StressCenter. I was stunned and didn't know what to think. I thought about what I was reading and decided to call about the program. It was expensive for me but they let me pay for it in monthly installments. So, in late 1999 I began working with the program and was introduced to CBT. A little later I joined this forum which was very active at the time. I found a few friends on the forum and one in particular that loved me unconditionally. Every time I would post something about the struggle I was having with my thoughts, she would encourage me and just accept me as I was. That and the program helped heal me.
The truth, dear Taylor, is that you have worth that is given to you by God. It can't be taken away by anyone or anything. It doesn't depend on having a job. Self worth and self acceptance aren't earned. They are a gifts given to us by our Creator. Your negative thoughts about yourself are a symptom of an emotional illness that you need recovery from. Those thoughts don't alter the truth of your worth. But, they do cause you to not believe the truth about yourself.
Let's work on the list of ten positive things about yourself. More than likely intelligence is one of them. Being sensitive and caring might be two more. So, there is a potential three. The truth is that when we are so negative toward ourselves that thought process blocks out anything positive coming into our minds.
Learning to love yourself unconditionally, not based on performance, is like learning a new language. It's foreign to us at first. But, as we seek to learn how to do this on a daily basis it starts to take hold and it becomes more and more familiar to us.
As Lesson 3 says, "Interrupt....Interrupt....Interrupt....refocus, restructure, replace, regroup, reevaluate, redesign.....reward!"
"It is impossible to have positive feelings with negative thoughts."
"Whenever you have learned something new you had to seek instruction. Learning to think in positive, productive ways is a skill that takes instruction, guidance and practice."
There is so much wisdom in Lesson 3. One more that helped me was to spend time on a weekly basis doing something that gave me good feelings. That might be a hobby or watching a good movie, working in the yard, spending time with a loved one or a friend. Just something that provides you with good feelings and thoughts.
Would you treat a good friend the way you treat yourself with beating yourself up with negative thoughts? No? Then learn to be that good friend to yourself. You deserve to get better. You honestly do.