Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently
Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2017 7:57 pm
I am starting the program again this week. I purchased the program ten years ago, I have done it on and off but only gotten to lesson five. I know this program works. I am SO excited to be on this forum and be able to talk with folks who understand my state of mind. You know it's so odd, that when I am in a happy state of mind and not suffering real bad with anxiety and depression (and I am also 'lucky' enough to have OCD too), I cannot even relate to my depressed way of thinking. When I'm depressed the thoughts, negative thoughts and and fears/ worries that run through my head don't even come into my mind when I'm in parts of my life where I'm happy and okay. Lol, I guess that's those neural pathways and programming our thinking that Dr. Fischer talks about (again, my program is older).
So, my point is that I'm so glad that I have others who understand some of the panicky feelings and odd thoughts like worrying if someone is angry with me for nothing, for example, that come along with depression and anxiety. You know, I think its hard for those in our support circle to understand what we are going through. I think they love us, but let's face it, this stuff is intense, and I think they come to a point where they just cannot listen to us anymore because they don't want to have their own moods get depressed; or they just can't relate. They want to help, but they just aren't even thinking like we are. They are not afraid to go to the store by themselves because they know they will stare at the same thing for 15 mins trying to make a decision and anxious that they will make the wrong one, only to do that with the next item on list. So they cannot relate and we don't feel heard. I know there are people who understand who will listen to me on here, and I would like to help others on this forum too!
It has taken a lot of courage to write this post, my excuse was I didn't have time, really I'm just scared.
I know we are working toward positivity and new life here, but in the moment, I'm not gonna lie. I'm tired, very tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...you name it. I know I can have a better life than this. I'm scared because I can see all these little signs creeping back in that I have having a major problem with anxiety and depression again. This is a great safe place to admit that, my support circle of people in my life don't even want to hear that word - depression. They don't talk to me for a few days after I use that word because it feels like they just want to brush it under the rug and not deal with it. I think they can only take so much of hearing about it before it begins to make them feel depressed. When I have all of you to talk to, I don't feel so alone.
I am annoyed with depression. Right now I don't even feel like me. I am afraid to go to work and it's hard to get through the day. My job involves a lot of critical thinking and I worked VERY hard to get it. It upsets me that I don't do a good job right now and don't dedicate myself like I should. I keep having waves of panic attacks. I'm stressed about minor things. I am having real trouble focusing. My mind is reeling so bad that it's in protection mode. Scariest of all, it has reached a whole new level of protection mode. I have had to ask my spouse to stop talking to me, eventhough he was giving words of advice, because my mind was so full, it hurt my ears to try to take in his words.
I am so afraid to do things because of anxiety and I'm missing out on independence and joy. I worry all the time - seriously - like every waking minute, and pop awake at night too with worry, REALLY hate that. And I'm always seeking approval, no matter how big or small the task I'm always asking my mom or spouse for approval of what I should do. I'm afraid in social situations and I'm and over reactor and catastophiser. I feel like such a push over I can't stand that, I can't muster the courage to stand up for myself anymore, it's like I've forgotten how.
I want my life back!
So, not trying to wallow in pity, just need to get this out and face this. So glad to have this outlet. I know I will get better with the program but I need to feel the fear and talk about it to face it.
One thing I have done is it was motivated by the realization that I could have major health issues if I didn't lose weight, but I've lost 14 lbs and I will keep going. I know don't worry, not an eating disorder, I'm about 70 - 90 lbs overweight and I'm working with a nutritional team. But my point is I'm off sugar, reduced salt, and off caffiene. If I can do that, so can you and we're all going in the right direction.
Well, getting tired, thanks for listening, that's all for now.
So, my point is that I'm so glad that I have others who understand some of the panicky feelings and odd thoughts like worrying if someone is angry with me for nothing, for example, that come along with depression and anxiety. You know, I think its hard for those in our support circle to understand what we are going through. I think they love us, but let's face it, this stuff is intense, and I think they come to a point where they just cannot listen to us anymore because they don't want to have their own moods get depressed; or they just can't relate. They want to help, but they just aren't even thinking like we are. They are not afraid to go to the store by themselves because they know they will stare at the same thing for 15 mins trying to make a decision and anxious that they will make the wrong one, only to do that with the next item on list. So they cannot relate and we don't feel heard. I know there are people who understand who will listen to me on here, and I would like to help others on this forum too!
It has taken a lot of courage to write this post, my excuse was I didn't have time, really I'm just scared.
I know we are working toward positivity and new life here, but in the moment, I'm not gonna lie. I'm tired, very tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...you name it. I know I can have a better life than this. I'm scared because I can see all these little signs creeping back in that I have having a major problem with anxiety and depression again. This is a great safe place to admit that, my support circle of people in my life don't even want to hear that word - depression. They don't talk to me for a few days after I use that word because it feels like they just want to brush it under the rug and not deal with it. I think they can only take so much of hearing about it before it begins to make them feel depressed. When I have all of you to talk to, I don't feel so alone.
I am annoyed with depression. Right now I don't even feel like me. I am afraid to go to work and it's hard to get through the day. My job involves a lot of critical thinking and I worked VERY hard to get it. It upsets me that I don't do a good job right now and don't dedicate myself like I should. I keep having waves of panic attacks. I'm stressed about minor things. I am having real trouble focusing. My mind is reeling so bad that it's in protection mode. Scariest of all, it has reached a whole new level of protection mode. I have had to ask my spouse to stop talking to me, eventhough he was giving words of advice, because my mind was so full, it hurt my ears to try to take in his words.
I am so afraid to do things because of anxiety and I'm missing out on independence and joy. I worry all the time - seriously - like every waking minute, and pop awake at night too with worry, REALLY hate that. And I'm always seeking approval, no matter how big or small the task I'm always asking my mom or spouse for approval of what I should do. I'm afraid in social situations and I'm and over reactor and catastophiser. I feel like such a push over I can't stand that, I can't muster the courage to stand up for myself anymore, it's like I've forgotten how.
I want my life back!
So, not trying to wallow in pity, just need to get this out and face this. So glad to have this outlet. I know I will get better with the program but I need to feel the fear and talk about it to face it.
One thing I have done is it was motivated by the realization that I could have major health issues if I didn't lose weight, but I've lost 14 lbs and I will keep going. I know don't worry, not an eating disorder, I'm about 70 - 90 lbs overweight and I'm working with a nutritional team. But my point is I'm off sugar, reduced salt, and off caffiene. If I can do that, so can you and we're all going in the right direction.
Well, getting tired, thanks for listening, that's all for now.