Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

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PurplePetal
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed May 31, 2017 8:42 am

Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

Post by PurplePetal » Wed Jun 07, 2017 7:57 pm

I am starting the program again this week. I purchased the program ten years ago, I have done it on and off but only gotten to lesson five. I know this program works. I am SO excited to be on this forum and be able to talk with folks who understand my state of mind. You know it's so odd, that when I am in a happy state of mind and not suffering real bad with anxiety and depression (and I am also 'lucky' enough to have OCD too), I cannot even relate to my depressed way of thinking. When I'm depressed the thoughts, negative thoughts and and fears/ worries that run through my head don't even come into my mind when I'm in parts of my life where I'm happy and okay. Lol, I guess that's those neural pathways and programming our thinking that Dr. Fischer talks about (again, my program is older).
So, my point is that I'm so glad that I have others who understand some of the panicky feelings and odd thoughts like worrying if someone is angry with me for nothing, for example, that come along with depression and anxiety. You know, I think its hard for those in our support circle to understand what we are going through. I think they love us, but let's face it, this stuff is intense, and I think they come to a point where they just cannot listen to us anymore because they don't want to have their own moods get depressed; or they just can't relate. They want to help, but they just aren't even thinking like we are. They are not afraid to go to the store by themselves because they know they will stare at the same thing for 15 mins trying to make a decision and anxious that they will make the wrong one, only to do that with the next item on list. So they cannot relate and we don't feel heard. I know there are people who understand who will listen to me on here, and I would like to help others on this forum too!
It has taken a lot of courage to write this post, my excuse was I didn't have time, really I'm just scared.
I know we are working toward positivity and new life here, but in the moment, I'm not gonna lie. I'm tired, very tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally...you name it. I know I can have a better life than this. I'm scared because I can see all these little signs creeping back in that I have having a major problem with anxiety and depression again. This is a great safe place to admit that, my support circle of people in my life don't even want to hear that word - depression. They don't talk to me for a few days after I use that word because it feels like they just want to brush it under the rug and not deal with it. I think they can only take so much of hearing about it before it begins to make them feel depressed. When I have all of you to talk to, I don't feel so alone.
I am annoyed with depression. Right now I don't even feel like me. I am afraid to go to work and it's hard to get through the day. My job involves a lot of critical thinking and I worked VERY hard to get it. It upsets me that I don't do a good job right now and don't dedicate myself like I should. I keep having waves of panic attacks. I'm stressed about minor things. I am having real trouble focusing. My mind is reeling so bad that it's in protection mode. Scariest of all, it has reached a whole new level of protection mode. I have had to ask my spouse to stop talking to me, eventhough he was giving words of advice, because my mind was so full, it hurt my ears to try to take in his words.
I am so afraid to do things because of anxiety and I'm missing out on independence and joy. I worry all the time - seriously - like every waking minute, and pop awake at night too with worry, REALLY hate that. And I'm always seeking approval, no matter how big or small the task I'm always asking my mom or spouse for approval of what I should do. I'm afraid in social situations and I'm and over reactor and catastophiser. I feel like such a push over I can't stand that, I can't muster the courage to stand up for myself anymore, it's like I've forgotten how.
I want my life back!
So, not trying to wallow in pity, just need to get this out and face this. So glad to have this outlet. I know I will get better with the program but I need to feel the fear and talk about it to face it.
One thing I have done is it was motivated by the realization that I could have major health issues if I didn't lose weight, but I've lost 14 lbs and I will keep going. I know don't worry, not an eating disorder, I'm about 70 - 90 lbs overweight and I'm working with a nutritional team. But my point is I'm off sugar, reduced salt, and off caffiene. If I can do that, so can you and we're all going in the right direction.
Well, getting tired, thanks for listening, that's all for now.

tinagirl81
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2017 8:09 am
Location: Florida

Re: Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

Post by tinagirl81 » Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:59 pm

"I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" ~Philippians 4:13

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." ~2 Timothy 1:7

Dear PurplePetal,

You were an answer to my prayer today as I was debating whether or not to start...again! I started a few months back and dropped the ball again at week 5. I too bought this program about 10 years ago! How funny :) My thoughts were: "Oh I don't really need the program. I just need God's Word and His Spirit to get me through." But then God revealed to me that I need to play a part in it too. Yes, He provides the ability but I need to submit my desire to change as well so that means I need to do the work. He'll never live my life FOR me. So, when I got an email notification of your post, I said, "OK, Lord. I guess I'm back in. I'm going for it." Hence my response!

I'm so glad you're here and that you mustered up the courage to write! Really!! Heck, if you're not proud of yourself I AM FOR YOU! Seriously, it does take a lot. I totally get it. I also struggle with shopping and taking 15 minutes per item to decide if I should buy it. Oh the agony...and the racing thoughts, not being able to turn them off. Sister, oh how real it is.

Anyway, I'm here to WELCOME you to the forum and to say THANK YOU for your obedience because I wouldn't be back without you :)

God bless you!
Martina
-Martina

randy c.
Posts: 187
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 10:27 pm

Re: Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

Post by randy c. » Wed Jul 05, 2017 2:04 pm

Thats a very clear and vivid description of what we all go through. The good news is we can all overcome. Good luck with the program. ;)

Taylor42
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2017 6:42 pm

Re: Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

Post by Taylor42 » Tue Mar 26, 2019 11:11 pm

Hello Purplepetal,

I'm not in a great place right now either. I am 25 years old and haven't worked since Sept. because of my anxiety depression and also OCD. You described exactly what I am going through! I am half way through the program for the second time. I also kind of feel the same way with my family. I have been feeling very low and like a burden. The positive self talk is the hardest for me. I am also trying to reach out to people that have the same kind of struggles.

Always here to talk...

Taylor

Kucek
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2005 10:12 pm

Re: Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

Post by Kucek » Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:34 am

Hello Everyone,

I am so happy too see people writing on the face rum again. I too am doing the program for the third time. This time around is harder through, I am older and very immobile, due to a fall three years ago, I use a walker and wheelchair, and in pain.

I was feeling better last year, I did some coaching sessions with Coach Chris, which were very helpful, prayed a lot....I even made it to the dentist because on periodontal disease. Things were better thru the holidays then things came tumbling down so fast and hard in a short amount of time. First in February I took another hard fall, not as bad as first one three years ago but left me bruised battered and in more pain. A week after that, doing my PT exercises my old Therapist left in a book for me, I pulled out my hip! For nine days I could barely move, and it's even harder on a walker! And just when I thought the "fun" was over, I smashed my toe and sprained it, because I walk very badly, the whole toenail can me off, much pain and still not healed, grateful I guess I didn't break it. Now I have a big ugly red purple swollen lump under my arm, and I unfortunately slid back into agoraphobia, I can't leave my house too have it looked at, my house call PA called in antibiotics, I took for six days, I the began to break out in big red hives/welts?! I have taken this antibiotic in the past, with no problem, PA said no more antibiotics, just neo-sporin, which is really not helping, I get scared its sepsis or MRSA..last time it was staph, I am unable to leave my home again, to get treatment, when ever I try I get very dizzy and nauseated, afraid I'm going to fall or faint! Plus PA told me I must obtain another house call Dr because he is moving out if state! So I won't get my meds, it's very hard too find someone to help.

All this happened in a month's time, and I am so ashamed and depressed how I have backsides. I'm constantly in bed, sleeping is my only escape. I have a husband and child through, and I must get better for them, I know my husband is very angry at me about this "meltdown" and my child is Confused and upset....they avoid me and leave me home alone a lot..I don't blame them, it's painful I'm sure too witness my demise.

I know I collapsed because of all the bad physical problems that happened so close together and the chronic pain in my back and knees and legs just adds too it. I feel like I'm dying...I know you all understand that feeling. I just hope it's not too late and not too far gone too recover. Being housebound is probably the worst of it..because of panic and pain. The first time, I truly believe the "The Lord and Lucinda" got me better..so hoping history will repeat itself. I hope and pray for all of you here, I understand how anxiety, panic, depression and chronic pain can batter you. I hope people will keep writing in..I think it helps. Sorry so long post...sorry so depressed poo dressing, hoping to heal and recover, especially for my child. If you would say a prayer for me I would appreciate and grateful. Good luck too you all..May we heal together...Thank you, Kucek.

Kucek
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2005 10:12 pm

Re: Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

Post by Kucek » Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:36 am

Sorry typo..meant FORUM...NOT "face rum" spell check on kindle messed up!

katieshrp@yahoo.com
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Apr 21, 2018 4:46 pm

Re: Starting Over - Not in a Great Place Currently

Post by katieshrp@yahoo.com » Mon May 04, 2020 11:23 pm

Hi there,

Wow I know very much how you feel. I feel battered and completely worn down too. I did the program two years ago, for about four months, then two months ago I relapsed into anxiety and panic attacks and general anxiety again. The benefit of covid is working from home, but I’m so anxious all day and have so many body symptoms that I can’t hardly even work. I’ve been agoraphobic this time around too which never happened before.

My medications are not supposed to have been long term, but they’ve ended up being 15 years plus. I feel immense hopelessness and shame about this and I don’t see a way out. Like you, I feel like I am dying.

I understand how you feel about your family being upset with you. My husband is calm but eventually gets fed up and tired of trying to force solutions. Sometimes I actually wish I were older and sicker so that I wouldn’t have so many years of anxiety ahead of me.

I know I need to go forward with the program. At this time it’s my only hope.

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