A new idea

[Ninjafrodo2]

I understand the coping mechanism part, I was like that myself....I remember writing whole paragraphs and then erasing them and then trying again and erasing them...why do you do it? What are you so afraid of when it comes to the original post?



Mike

[Loveslife]

Thanks for making me think about this question, Mike.
I do it because I panic.
I sometimes erase things because I fear I've said too much.
And then I panic.
And also 'blink blink blink' goes my curser while i pause to think...
And also if i erase it then the memory can't get too close.
it get's erased.

[Ninjafrodo2]

ah...then i'm goign to make something special for you soon

[Loveslife]

No, Please don't make me anything.

I've been thinking tonight. A lot. I'm so busy being busy, do you know? I mean I'm crazy busy running a store. And then the added building of a float for Saturday's parade. And then the following weekend I'm so busy planning and running our Christmas Stroll.

But why? I love doing it, love feeling wanted, love feeling needed?

I miss my daughter so much. Her father won't tell me where she is. I called him tonight (which is extremely hard for me to do) but he didn't call me back.

In the end, that's all that will really matter. Jackie Kennedy said "if you mess up raising your children then nothing else matters" or something like that.

And it's true.

I'm distracting myself from the fact that I really, really, really miss my daughter. The last time we spoke in August she called me crying. She told me that I chose my husband and my other daughter over her. I got angry. I told her that I was tired of her not taking responsibility for things etc...

But her feelings were valid. And she's never expressed them before.

And I don't know how to reach her, I don't know what's going on, I don't know anything.

But that's what I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel how badly I messed up.

I love her. I know she loves me. And I miss my daughter. And my other daughter is mad at me at the moment.

So, I'm distracting myself with things to make me feel better about myself.

But, Jackie Kennedy was right.

Please don't make something for me, or try to help me. I'm ok.

XO

[Ninjafrodo2]

My something is not any physical object, it was just a video thing I'd do to help you or anybody else feel more comfortable with mistakes and it would be in a fun way.

As per what you told me...it sounds like you are really beating yourself up for how things have turned out and that quote seems to be adding more fuel to that fire....I don't really know you or the situation very well but it sounds like you aren't sure of how to get through to her now and maybe not so much in the past either and perhaps you need to cut some slack for yourself...have you known how to really get through to your own self and your own heart?


Its really hard to do that for others if you havenm't really known how to do that for yourself and thats not really a fault of yours...I mean it sounds like you really love her and tried your best with what you've had while you were still dealing with your own stuff and maybe where you were wasn't a place where you had everything you needed to have a positive outcome with her....that doesn't reflect who you are, its just where you were and fortunately, you can learn the skills that can help to deal with those situations in the future where you 2 can bond and things be better than where they are right now.

And I can understand that you'd be distracting yourself with the busyness in order to not thinking about how much you miss your daughter...if you aren't sure of how to get through to her, then your mind is going to do the next best thing in order to protect you from the pain and it seems like busyness is that thing. Its ok, its ok, you may have to be in that place right now but it may be in your best interest to learn a better way while you are coping with this...and that mostly like will involve the help of others for these skills, kind of like me and taking the improv classes in order to help with my anxiety.


Anyways, I hope things work out,

Mike


Mike

[Ninjafrodo2]

Tuesday again and that means another video!

This one is day 7 which is the last day of the series
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izbGCGs5aP0

In this video I talk about how the lesson from last week's class (emotions) played out in my week as well as the new week's lesson (scene work)....I talk about my goals moving forward and my realization of changes that I need to make in order to support those goals as well as how others can grow in a similar way even if they don't have access to the same class that I attended. Well I hope you enjoy and next week's video will be more of a summary and comparisson.


Mike

[Loveslife]

You're going to be awesome, Mike. You'll definitely make it to 'E' on Center Stage and perform improv in front of a huge, huge, huge roomful of people. I have no doubt about it.

I laughed out loud when you needed to have a sentence with 9 words. I would have used my fingers to count the words but you were so funny.

Yup. Meditate, eat right and eat well and for me, exercise is really important.

You'll be great. And that's not even your goal which is so cool. You're goal is to do these things for yourself. You'll go far beyond your goals, but one step at a time.

I was in touch with my daughter's father this morning and he told me that she is well and coming to my state soon so I will be able to see her. (he doesn't always tell the truth, but I believe him) He said she knows my number and will call if she wants to.

And that's good enough.

I found an awesome Choir this morning for The Christmas Stroll, the Ads are going in today and Santa is set to appear as well.

Our float for the Parade is coming along nicely. I've given each girl in our store a role, including their children, but I don't have a role. My role was the idea, the creation, the bubbles, the wardrobes, all of it.

And the girls in our store will shine. Dorothy will make it home. Glinda will always be good, the scarecrow will receive his brain, the lion his courage and the tin man his heart.

XOXOXOXO

J.

[forever young 06]

mike, this is a awesome post. you are so knowelgeable. I am still about the same I am holding myself back from recovery. I wonder if I am afraid of recovery I wish I could get deep in my brain and figure out what is going on. good to see you on here I wish more of the family would come and at least say high and how they are doing.

[Ninjafrodo2]

Oh wow Forever you are here!...its been awhile huh?!? I remember when we did the runthrough of the program the last time but I hadn't really been back since until I started to make these videos! I also lost touch with THH and her email is not active anymore....oh well i'm also glad you like my videos and perhaps you might find the answer you're looking for or something that will lead to the answer from watching my videos....I know you have found my insights really helpful from the past and the improv class videos contain them but I'll be making other videos that will help as well...and I find myself that watching video is much more effective than reading written words. But as for holding yourself back to directly respond to that....perhaps you haven't gained enough confidence in yourself to go to where you want to go and to really believe in yourself and to really feel the positives of what it would feel like to be over this challenging place right now.....what does it look like? what does it feel like? constantly looking at where you don't want to be may not be motivating enough if thats all you can see...its like constantly looking at the bottom of the hole you might be stuck in and trying to climb up when you aren't looking where it is you can grab onto in order to pull yourself up. [I just came up with that analogy...I think i'll use that in a video]


Loveslife;
Thank you for the encouragement and I actually was using my fingers to count the words, you just couldn't really see it as my hand was outside of the shot from my camera and I didn't realize it until it was too late....it seems counting using your fingers is necessary for most people, including my teacher as well and he has been doing improv for 7 years!

How did the christmas event go?


Mike

[Ninjafrodo2]

I had my first class of improv for anxiety for term 2 and here is the video!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMy66_AEcsM

The lesson for this week's class was on listening and observing and we talk about how anxiety thought talk can interfere with that and I explain of a game we played that worked really well at explaining how it worked....definately worth checking out!



Mike