I am on week six of the program now. I had been doing better for a while. None of what I call "xanax level" panic attacks for more than two weeks. But then one hit me a couple of nights ago. And then this morning, 5:30am, I woke up with a weird pins and needles feeling in my left arm. I thought "I must have just been sleeping on it wrong. It will go away." Well, it didn't stop. And then I started thinking about my heart, and all the chest pain I've been having. And then the adrenaline rush came. And when I say "adrenaline rush" I mean it's more like a volcano going off inside me. It feels like my head is going to blow up. There is no way to think clearly or remain calm.
My heart started racing. I tried to practice my breathing, but there was too much adrenaline and the breathing wasn't helping. My heart has never pounded so fast in my life when I haven't been exercising. I'm sure I was technically in tachycardia, but then I tensed up my body really tight, straining, and it started to slow down almost instantly. I have this bug in my mind, saying "what if you have SVT?" I had an echocardiogram recently and it came back totally normal. So why am I still worrying about my heart? I'm 36 and 123 lbs. I'm not really at risk.
I chewed an aspirin just in case, took .25 xanax, and tried to wait it out. But the adrenaline kept coming. I thought, I'm just going to drive to the emergency room and sit there to feel safe. So I drove there, in a blizzard (12 inches of snow last night), and sat in my car for half an hour in the parking lot.
Finally, I started to feel better and went home. I am still struggling now though. It's almost 8am so this is three hours. I'm still feeling tingly and "up." I'm still super thirsty and going to the bathroom constantly. My stomach is so empty and I don't want to eat. I'm afraid to fall asleep because I might not wake up.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm up until 2am some nights with adrenaline surges. I got less than six hours of sleep last night and tonight I got about four. I'm so tired. I want to wait it out and see if the program can help me enough after fifteen weeks. But I've got a lexapro prescription calling my name at the pharmacy.
I'm so afraid of medication. I've had bad experiences with antidepressants. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to do. Do I need to be medicated? Every doctor I go to seems to think so. But that's so easy for them to say. I'm the one who will suffer the side effects of going on the meds and going off. I'm the one who will have my emotions dulled, who will not feel like myself anymore. Who will gain back all the weight I've worked so hard to lose since coming off the last meds I was on.
Advice, please, anyone. I need someone who has been through this to tell me what to do. What if I could make it through this to the end of the program and then I'd be better without meds. What if I go on the meds in a moment of weakness, when I could have gotten through this on my own.
At my wit's end
Re: At my wit's end
Gosh I read your post and feel like we are twins. Only difference is I did go into the Emergency Room. I have decided to send the program back as I was concerned/upset when I needed to speak with someone that the contact numbers on all the information sent to me were disconnected or had changed, also planned a call with one of the coaches and was told I should wait until I was closer to my trial being up before we spoke (which in my mind made me feel like they just wanted to get more money).
I do read a lot of success stories on this page, but have noticed a lot of them are older. Not to many new posts. I guess like anything (including medicine) some things work and some things don't.
I am totally with you on the medication aspect. I am so very against medications, but am thinking that if they will help me even just a little bit it is worth a try.
For me it feels like my panic/anxiety NEVER ends. I always have this underlying sensation of the tingling/out of sorts/ fear feelings and I just don't understand why.
No matter what, know that you are not alone. I have been reaching out to a lot of my family members and finding that a lot of them struggle with anxiety/panic/depression.
Hope you are/were able to get some rest.
I do read a lot of success stories on this page, but have noticed a lot of them are older. Not to many new posts. I guess like anything (including medicine) some things work and some things don't.
I am totally with you on the medication aspect. I am so very against medications, but am thinking that if they will help me even just a little bit it is worth a try.
For me it feels like my panic/anxiety NEVER ends. I always have this underlying sensation of the tingling/out of sorts/ fear feelings and I just don't understand why.
No matter what, know that you are not alone. I have been reaching out to a lot of my family members and finding that a lot of them struggle with anxiety/panic/depression.
Hope you are/were able to get some rest.
Re: At my wit's end
Thanks so much...it is good to hear that someone out there is going through the same thing. I have actually been to the ER too. The first time I had one of these attacks, I can remember the day. Feb. 9th of this year. I was sitting on the couch in my livingroom on a Saturday morning. I'd just had a good breakfast and was relaxing with a cup of tea. And then I felt a weird surge feeling in my chest, and bam, it was on. I called 911 and they took me to the ER in an ambulance. Nothing was physically wrong with me.
Second time was about a month ago. That time I knew I couldn't afford another ambulance ride, so I called my brother nearby and he took me to the ER. I sat in the waiting room for almost an hour waiting to be admitted, and by that time the Valium started to kick in and I was started to feel better. I spent the night at my brothers though, because I didn't want to be alone. It's so hard going through this and living alone.
But I am so glad to know someone else out there has this as severely as I do, and is surviving it.
I am trying to stay optimistic and give myself credit for the small stuff. At least I didn't go into the ER this time. At least, prior to a couple of days ago, I hadn't needed xanax for more than two weeks. I know they stress that this is a process, and that it takes time. It's not a straight journey toward recovery and there will be setbacks. I just don't know how much more of this I can take is all. I have faith that the program is helping me, but it may not be enough by itself for me to cope with this for however long it takes for me to get better.
I did have a coaching session about two weeks into the program. It was a free one. I couldn't afford to buy the coaching package after that, but I'm seeing a counselor once a week who is helping me through. But even he seems to think I should go on meds. He thinks it's very likely there is a hormonal component to what I'm experiencing since I have other signs of hormone imbalance, such as PCOS. Also, I suffer from PTSD and depression, so I think that may be complicating things.
Only other problem for me is that Lexapro is $90 a month after insurance. I will be enslaving myself to a drug habit I can barely afford. But today I almost feel like no price is too high to get relief from this pain.
Second time was about a month ago. That time I knew I couldn't afford another ambulance ride, so I called my brother nearby and he took me to the ER. I sat in the waiting room for almost an hour waiting to be admitted, and by that time the Valium started to kick in and I was started to feel better. I spent the night at my brothers though, because I didn't want to be alone. It's so hard going through this and living alone.
But I am so glad to know someone else out there has this as severely as I do, and is surviving it.
I am trying to stay optimistic and give myself credit for the small stuff. At least I didn't go into the ER this time. At least, prior to a couple of days ago, I hadn't needed xanax for more than two weeks. I know they stress that this is a process, and that it takes time. It's not a straight journey toward recovery and there will be setbacks. I just don't know how much more of this I can take is all. I have faith that the program is helping me, but it may not be enough by itself for me to cope with this for however long it takes for me to get better.
I did have a coaching session about two weeks into the program. It was a free one. I couldn't afford to buy the coaching package after that, but I'm seeing a counselor once a week who is helping me through. But even he seems to think I should go on meds. He thinks it's very likely there is a hormonal component to what I'm experiencing since I have other signs of hormone imbalance, such as PCOS. Also, I suffer from PTSD and depression, so I think that may be complicating things.
Only other problem for me is that Lexapro is $90 a month after insurance. I will be enslaving myself to a drug habit I can barely afford. But today I almost feel like no price is too high to get relief from this pain.
Re: At my wit's end
I did send you a private message, not sure if you got it or not.
My first one was about 4 and a half years ago. Sitting outside at a concert and BAM... totally took me over. It took me a good 3 months to get over it and has been a slow process since. Each and every time over the years it has happened and I have gone to the ER they have told me the same thing. It is panic/anxiety. I have seen cardiologists, neurologists, etc and they have found nothing.
These last few weeks have been super hard on my again. I am not working and fear going to work. I feel like I am constantly just numb/tingly and very disconnected. I totally understand what you are saying about the "any cost". That is why I spent the money on this program, unfortunately for me it was not the one. I am still searching though.
My first one was about 4 and a half years ago. Sitting outside at a concert and BAM... totally took me over. It took me a good 3 months to get over it and has been a slow process since. Each and every time over the years it has happened and I have gone to the ER they have told me the same thing. It is panic/anxiety. I have seen cardiologists, neurologists, etc and they have found nothing.
These last few weeks have been super hard on my again. I am not working and fear going to work. I feel like I am constantly just numb/tingly and very disconnected. I totally understand what you are saying about the "any cost". That is why I spent the money on this program, unfortunately for me it was not the one. I am still searching though.
Re: At my wit's end
This program really does work, I did it many, many years, ago and I still listen to it on days that I am stressed! When Lucinda was in charge, I do think the customer service was better! Don't give up, you will recover with this program!
Re: At my wit's end
Thanks, Polaris. I'm not going to give up on the program. It has helped me immensely with my feelings of depression, and changing my attitude and perceptions and beliefs. I think it is going to vastly improve my quality of life and interpersonal relationships.
The techniques for dealing with panic attacks that I've learned through the program have been a godsend on those days when I have suffered "mini" attacks. Which is just about every day. It's a constant battle to diffuse the adrenaline surges that I get on a daily basis. I've been doing everything right...relaxation three times daily, healthy diet, exercise, journaling, reading the cards, changing my self-talk, etc.
But after this last attack, I just don't feel like it's going to be enough on its own to get me through this. I just can't take it anymore. Not even for eight more weeks until I finisht the program. I've been down a difficult road for the past four years recovering from seven years on Effexor, and I am so against antidepressants. But I can't live like this anymore. I will not be able to keep my job and I think I'm starting to wear out my friends and family.
I am struggling now with the side effects of getting ON Lexapro. I'm all strung out on xanax to cope with the stimulation of the Lexapro. But I'm going to hang in there for a week and see if this can help me get to a point where I can continue to live my life and work the program effectively, along with my counseling. I pray to god I'm doing the right thing. I've tried everything else...seeing expensive doctors of natural medicine, chiropractors, yoga, biofeedback, intensive self care. But I can't go on fearing for my life and sanity on a daily basis. Dreading going to sleep at night, waking up in the morning, and every moment in between.
I know the program is going to work for me as I'm able to get myself stabilized and in a place where I feel I can go on. I skipped ahead today to the CD about medication because I needed to hear some advice right now. It convinced me that it's ok to do this if I need to. That it's not a sign of weakness, just a sign that I am taking care of myself and having the courage to ask for help. And that rather than fearing the drug, I should be grateful that these medicines are available to help me in this day and age. So it really helped give me a good perspective.
The techniques for dealing with panic attacks that I've learned through the program have been a godsend on those days when I have suffered "mini" attacks. Which is just about every day. It's a constant battle to diffuse the adrenaline surges that I get on a daily basis. I've been doing everything right...relaxation three times daily, healthy diet, exercise, journaling, reading the cards, changing my self-talk, etc.
But after this last attack, I just don't feel like it's going to be enough on its own to get me through this. I just can't take it anymore. Not even for eight more weeks until I finisht the program. I've been down a difficult road for the past four years recovering from seven years on Effexor, and I am so against antidepressants. But I can't live like this anymore. I will not be able to keep my job and I think I'm starting to wear out my friends and family.
I am struggling now with the side effects of getting ON Lexapro. I'm all strung out on xanax to cope with the stimulation of the Lexapro. But I'm going to hang in there for a week and see if this can help me get to a point where I can continue to live my life and work the program effectively, along with my counseling. I pray to god I'm doing the right thing. I've tried everything else...seeing expensive doctors of natural medicine, chiropractors, yoga, biofeedback, intensive self care. But I can't go on fearing for my life and sanity on a daily basis. Dreading going to sleep at night, waking up in the morning, and every moment in between.
I know the program is going to work for me as I'm able to get myself stabilized and in a place where I feel I can go on. I skipped ahead today to the CD about medication because I needed to hear some advice right now. It convinced me that it's ok to do this if I need to. That it's not a sign of weakness, just a sign that I am taking care of myself and having the courage to ask for help. And that rather than fearing the drug, I should be grateful that these medicines are available to help me in this day and age. So it really helped give me a good perspective.