This is my story............

[mefromAustralia]

Hi my name is Veronica (me from australia)...

I'm soon to start week one and find I'm delaying it as I'm a little scared.
This is my story.......................
I am 58 years old, I've never had children and if you met me you would think i was the happiest friendliest and confident person, most of the time i am... but something can trigger me to crash and have severe panic attacks,I have to fight hard with my anxiety and insecure feelings.
My partner is a very caring loving and kind man, he can also be a pain in the butt but that's pretty normal in any relationship, he can't handle my insecurity and pushes me away I can't handle the way he puts me down sometimes and i'm often in tears and hate him and don't want to see him again and the next day i feel silly, when he calls me its all good again. Its almost like I create a problem to get his attention and when I leave him I sob straight for at least ten hours, then i think about the reason I started the fight and its usually something so stupid that I can't bring myself to call him to say sorry as I'm to embarrassed, he always calls me a couple of days later and takes me out for dinner and just seams happy all is good again. This scares me that I do this its at least every six weeks.
This insecurity also affects my work, i never feel good enough I'm my biggest criticizer and always feel they are going to sack me. I worked for one company for eighteen years and my boss was a bully, he hated me, he would always put me down and would only communicate with me through email or phone even though his office was only three doors down, i burnt my self out twice trying to please him, he once said to me he couldn't stand overweight woman, he found it a sign of weakness and all woman should be traded in after the age of thirty two.
My father was an alcoholic , my mother never had a headache she had a brain tumor if she had a cold she would say she had double pneumonia, mum is a hypochondriac and seems to like being miserable and often would sit and tell strangers about her sad life that she herself created, i haven't talked to her for about five years. My father kicked me out when i was fourteen, my two brothers and sisters are pretty feral I haven't spoken to them forever and each time i did try, it increased my anxiety to the point i thought i would have a heart attack. I had to stay away from them as they so love to be miserable and have lots of friends to feed them with this misery. ( I do love my eldest brother but he also loves to be negative and that's a shame) and no they are not the kind of people want to be any different its the way they are............ Over the years I have found there's a certain kind of addiction to misery and sadness and that's my family.
My father used to bash my mother and put her in hospital, I know they say its wrong for a man to hit a woman but my mother would scream at him and push and push and push my father to the extent I wanted to hit her or I would wish he would just hit her so the ambulance would come and take her away and we could get some sleep. I hated my father so much , he was always drunk but living with my mother with her often unbearable screaming fits, I often thought of drinking myself as she could really push us over the edge. My mum would come home and the honey moon period would come,the chocolates the flowers the darling and sweet hearts, that's when we have a cooked meal every night,and most times breakfast, I really think mum liked the pity she received from everyone, she could be quite an actress.
I could write a book about my life I would call it " and I thought my life was normal" but that's all in the past and over the years i have gradually shut my family out and replaced them with my beautiful caring friends that have caring loving families.

I think my past and the fact that my family have depression is the reason i am the way i am, i can't handle constant negative people I usually leave them as I get a severe panic attacks (they would never know) as soon as they go on with doom and gloom I either say "whats with all the doom and gloom lets go for a walk , i love making people smile and I love to be happy and would love to get rid of my insecurity. I have also become very overweight, I don't look after myself the way I should and this has to change I am now a diabetic type 2 and this has to go as well.

I do believe this program will help me and i do love listening to Lucinda's voice her voice calms me, I tell so many people about her and once I 'm all fixed they will see the changes in me, I'm 100% sure of this, right now I'm having the biggest panic attack but that's ok I am really nervous about this but I will try and give it my best.

I.m so open to to any advise, I hope this letter or book lol doesn't bore you ,but deep down so frightened I will let my self down........

[Polaris]

You just need to listen to all 15 weeks of this program and expect that at time you may feel a little worse, but this program does work! Don't ever give up, before you know it you will conquer the depression/anxiety and have more confidence!

[findpeace]

Stay with the 15 lessons in the course, it will help you. Lesson 3 will be a good one for you, about thinking positive and shifting away from negative thinking. From your post, that is one thing that you will need to work on. I'm working on it, myself, and there is improvement. Stay with the positive thinking and don't be discouraged if you still have negative thoughts. The negative will fight back and you've had many negative thoughts for decades: your mind is used to it, it's comfortable with the negative. Now you have to make it used to the positive; it will take time, but stay with it. Do Lessons 1 and 2, then you will appreciate Lesson 3.

There is also a bok that Lucinda recommends and I bought it recently: What To Say When You Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstetter. It's about 7-8 dollars and available on Amazon. He compares the person feeding info into the computer and the person who feeds the thoughts into his brain. It's the same thing and you have to feed positive thoughts into your brain.

Good luck and you will make it if you work at it.