Needed to share

[allenae9]

I wanted to share with everyone something I just wrote at the notes section in my guidebook from session one.

I have recently felt depressed about society in general. I also have had trouble making my apartment feel like a home; a safe, happy, comfortable place. I have been beating myself up about not being finished with college yet, and not doing well at work. I have been sick from allergies or stress (probably both) for the past week. I went to the doctors today and had a panic attack because the lady at the desk was very rude and I was late for the appointment but thought I was on schedule. I felt my body temperature rise. My mind raced through a lot of thoughts and I got upset. I felt disappointed in myself for being late. The lady made me feel like I didn't deserve care. I gritted my teeth and fists. I had trouble finding words to say. I asked for all my medical records so I could leave that facility and felt like a failure because of it. I cried the whole drive home. About 20 minutes into sobbing and squeezing my pillow I told myself I was okay. I got up and started cooking immediately *stress eating*. I started tidying up the apartment and taking care of things that I've neglected, bills, emails, etc. All the while thoughts ran through my head. After over analyzing the situation I realized I was so proud of myself for finally getting the nerve to leave that doctors office because they had made me miserable for the past 8 years. They didn't listen to me, they didn't plan my care well, I never left there feeling cared for, satisfied or healthier. I had gone in multiple times for the same issues and never got any results. But today I finally did something about it. It reminded me that this program did help four years ago even though I stopped listening to the tapes at session 5. I'm happy to say i'm starting again... maybe not starting but continuing my journey all thanks to the first lesson I learned: "I'm okay" are two of the most powerful words in my vocabulary.

For anyone who is just starting; I noticed significant changes in myself with the first five sessions and now realize I sold myself short by giving up. I need to learn more and allow myself to change and let myself know I deserve to find solutions to my problems with anxiety and depression... and so does everyone else. So good luck to everyone with their ongoing journeys, I hope we all find peace within ourselves.

-Abbie

[coachchris]

Well done Abbie!

Congratulations on your continued journey and taking responsibility for your healing. Your courage is contagious!
Keep us posted on your progress. I am in the chatroom on Fridays from 12-1pm. Would love to see you there!

Coach Chris

[DolphinG]

allenae
you did good by getting home and keeping your mind buysy with all you did,and also dont feel discouraged that you stopped the program in the past in session 5 ,Lucinda talkes about that in the tapes allot of us seem to take a break or just symply quit after session 4 so i bet you were not the only one.
Look at it as just a little hickup or a little bump in the road and go at it now with full force you can do this.
I myself have gotten lacy at times but as i listen to these tapes a realize that it is really helping me and that there is always something said in there that is amazing, I was so blindfolded on some of the things and some of the behaviors that i had or better yet still have but now I know what i have to do to change my way and benefit off of it.
I am starting session 6 now but i always go back and forward depending on what i need.
God bless keep us posted
Dolphin G

[allenae9]

Thank you both for your support. I have felt so empowered in the time since my last panic attack. I am ready to take on the world. I have been focusing on getting my artwork into the market and setting up goals for myself (small manageable goals). I have also found comfort in routines. I am doing yoga twice a week which really helps me sleep and I have set up a cleaning calendar which gives me daily chores around the apartment to keep the mess from piling up and becoming a point of stress. This has been so great because it keeps me busy and a clean well maintained apartment makes me happy and gives me a reason to care about my home.

I would like to continue this post "needed to share" with another experience from my day.

Today my mother and I went on a trip to attend a folk art festival and on the way up she asked me about anxiety. She reminded me that I had shared with her how I experience anxiety and the "what-if's". I was shocked when she shared with me that she has recently noticed her mind in similar states. Her and my father are building a new home but there are a lot of unresolved issues in their relationship so her mind has been restless. She told me "I just feel like i'm crazy." I didn't say anything but just smiled and giggled. I was so happy that I knew exactly what she was dealing with, anxiety, duh! I was so happy that I could share the information that I have learned in the program, especially since she denied listening to the tapes after my multiple offers. The first thing I told her was of course you are anxious, allow yourself to be and don't analyze it. It's anxiety and that's it. I was incredibly excited to open this line of communication with someone and I encourage everyone to really consider talking to someone about the program. I feel informed, empowered and strong. I have also noticed that since this is my second time beginning the program I am a lot less embarrassed about it. Now that I have let go of that insecurity I see myself putting in much more effort for myself and making more important milestones in my journey.

I hope I can make tomorrow just as beautiful as today. What's that saying, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!?
Best wishes to all

[AnnaS]

I have talked to other people with anxiety who have not been satisfied with care from their doctors, and that is not ok. I am also so proud you took control and left the office. You should absolutely not be in a place where you don't feel your cared for or about! I like your idea of doing small manageable goals. I always seem to forget that we need to take little steps and it will make a big difference. Congrats!

[allenae9]

I just felt like writing. It is late at night and I have found if I can't get to sleep right away writing seems to work. I had a wonderful day but my evening has been so negative and depressing. I chose to do the tic mark exercise from session 3 where I make a notch for every negative thought that crossed my mind. I discovered that it happens so subconsciously it was terribly difficult to keep track of them all. During the day when I did notice them I felt good and excited about realizing it. In the afternoon I began debates in my head going from one extreme negative to and extreme positive. My first reaction was to do something and get busy. I decided to do some yoga but found that to be a difficult workout and put myself down for not doing it well, being out of shape, not making exercise a more important part of my life. and on and on... I am happy overall and having just a few bumps in the road. I am trying to stay focused on me and the importance of my health.

[allenae9]

Today I participated in Paint Bangor Day, an event held by my local art society that allows artists of all skill levels and ages to submit work they have created that day. I was very positive about the entire day. I gave opportunities for people to support me with no expectations or need for them to follow through but was happy that they all did. It was a good lesson for me. I usually don't open that door for people in fear of being disappointed. I'm not going to let myself "think" people can actually ruin my day anymore. My only goal for the day was to just do it. I went with the flow, made realistic expectations for myself by working on a small canvas to ensure that it was completed in time, and reminded myself to be be grateful and to smile. I did indeed finish in time and my painting sold at the silent auction. It blew my mind how easy it is to have such a great day when I only focus on the parts I can control. I'm wrapping up session 5 and excited to delve into session 6, i think this one will allow my analytical mind to shift into high gear. I just wanted share. I hope there were other beautiful days out there today.

Wishing everyone serenity,
Abbie

[allenae9]

I have allergies and my whole life i've been told it was just a slight cold. Last year I went to an allergist and found out I'm allergic to a number of things and i have slight asthma. I started noticing how bad my allergies were getting around Aug. 20th. Today I think i'm getting bronchitis again. But my mucus isn't yellow or green yet, which implies there is no infection. I am miserable. It really brings me down. I've been trying to just get as much sleep as possible and not doing too much but now i'm feeling like i'm falling behind at work and school and the stress alone is awful. Today I was hoping to get my life a little more organized but being away from a tissue box or a sink to hack into for more than 3 minutes is just impossible. I haven't been exercising because when I do everything starts draining. Getting sick so much holds me back in my progress with the program. One step forward two steps back. This happens to me about once every two months. I'm not sure where the cycle starts: stress, anxiety, depression to illness or illness to stress, anxiety, depression. On top of that i'm still in between doctors, i skipped class today and i haven't got anything accomplished. To try and feel more accomplished I want to cross 5 things off my to do list. Laundry, vacuum, work, homework assignment #1, homework assignment #2, homework assignment #3, get medical records in the mail, call sallie mae about school payments. My first order of business, medicine and lunch.

[allenae9]

I find myself saying " i do that too" a lot while listening to this tape. I have recognized a lot of my unhealthy expressions of anger in the past but never figured out how to change them. My whole life i've been dealing with anger the same way every time. Now i'm trying to recognize what causes my anger and to under react. My anger has ruined a lot of things in my life. I hold grudges against people, companies, departments, SYSTEMS (traffic, politics, institutions, etc...) and a lot of the things I over react to are small and insignificant aspects in my life but I let it consume my life and become a much larger part then it need be. I have noticed a significant reduction in my anger after addressing my expectations of people and myself. It feels so incredibly good to say "well there isn't much i can do about that" and leaving it alone and forgetting it. I have become more focused on my art, health, and relationships since I've eliminated some of this anger from my life. Its exhausting and unproductive to be angry! And I don't want to be either. Now when I tell myself "shut up and smile" I can actually do it. :p

[coachchris]

Love your post! You are right on