Stress Center Peer Support

Does anyone else struggle with putting themselves first? I feel like it's incredibly ingrained into me to say yes to everything that comes my way because God forbid someone be upset with me or question why I've said no. So last weekend we had several dinners and a brunch because of Easter, which was all very nice. This weekend we were scheduled to have two birthday parties for family members. We're still going to a brunch tomorrow but were also invited to a dinner tonight. I just turned the dinner down and said we would go over this coming week during the evening. I find my family makes me feel very guilty when I've said we can't make it, they wonder why. My dad suffers from anxiety and I know the wheels start turning and he starts thinking everything under the sun. I was just upfront and told my stepmom that I'm getting over a cold and my boyfriend is exhausted from a long week at work. But I know my dad will take it personally and think we just don't want to come over or that my boyfriend doesn't like him, all which are not true. And we're seeing them tomorrow at the brunch and we saw them last weekend for Easter, so it's not like we never see them. I just feel like it's never good enough and if I don't say yes to a 100% and reach their expectations of us, I'm failing them. Anyone else feel this way?

This is all too familiar only I'm the parent and not popular with parents. Am all for children to be given the freedom to live their lives. The power and control that parents have are heady indeed and not given up readily or willingly. They'll hold on however they can.

Don't let it bother you. You have a right to your life. You can be gentle and kind, yet persistent, to claim your autonomy.

Gigi- you're not alone.

I'm 20, and I feel like I have one million things going on in my life all the time. My mother has some anxiety (she had it worse and actually gave me the program) and her and my father run their own business which is very stressful for them. I do what I can for them and what I can't- well, I can't.
That's what my real problem was. Realizing that you really can't please everyone all the time. But it doesn't have to be as dismal as that! You have to be happy with what you CAN do. Do whatever you can for other people AFTER letting keeping yourself in check. It's the old saying, "You can't love anyone else before you love yourself.". I firmly believe this. If you can't do good for yourself, how can you do good for your others?
Yes, it's very tough to even remind yourself (let alone remember at all) to put yourself first, but you have to do it! and you can.

Hope I was of some help.

Gigi123,
Yes I too get that people pleasing issue. I think we want to be everything to everyone. I enjoy people but when I see them too often I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do. Esp. holidays. I actually was really sick back in Jan. and we always get together to celabrate 3 family menbers Birthdays. I called everyone as I usually host this event and said I was not up to it this year and all but one was cool with it. The one got really nasty! To my surprise I was caught on the phone with a person screaming at me that I don't care about them. I got all upset. After a few hours I thought it out and came to: it was his problem. Some people would complain if you give them a free ice cream cone. I would never complain to anyone if they were not going to give me a Birthday party~
So that is how I worked through it. It is not selfish when you need to take care of your self. Guilt is self inflicted and some people know just how to toss the daggers perfectly. They can push the right buttons, or say just that one word that catches you off guard. I find it is better to keep these conversations short. Saying things like I'm sorry you feel this way, I do love you but I am just not hosting anything this year. Try not to offer excuses because they really just want to make you feel bad. Just a few more thoughts. Hope it helps!

GiGi - I think this is a common struggle! I know I am a BIG people pleaser and saying no can be a VERY hard thing! Especially to family memebers!! They know what buttons to push to get what they want (but as Lucinda says most times they aren't even aware themselves that they are doing it) Sounds like you could use some practice with the self talk and reminding yourself that it IS okay to say no sometimes!! As much as we would like to keep everyone happy, it is NOT our responsibility!! Just as we have to learn to "be our own safe person" and keep ourselves happy instead of depending on those around us to make/keep us happy. We have to remember we can not make others happy only they can!

THH, Good for you for telling them no when you weren't feeling well. I guess I always feel better if I have a "real" excuse (at least in my mind) like, we're out of town or I've come down with the flu etc...But to tell my parents no just because we've been busy, it makes me feel like a little girl again and I just have to please my parents. I was thinking how as a child I didn't have much of a choice and just had to DO. My parents were divorced and I moved every single week to my mom's or dad's. So now as an adult that's sort of carried on. There's also a lot of complex dynamics in my family, people feeling guilty. So whenever I can't be there for my family, I get the "don't you love me?" type attitude. Which I know is just a way of pushing my buttons. I'm still working on not allowing it to affect me so much.

Iwillbebetter, it seems the worse with family. I don't feel guilty saying no to my friends but there's no emotional past with them. I really relate to Ken on the cds and everything he went through with his family. I definitely need to pull them out again and listen to them on a daily basis.

I agree, we are more bonded to our family most of the time, so they are the ones it is harder with, but they are also the ones who know how to push our buttons best! It's learning to not let those "buttons" affect us the same as they use to. Your family will get use to it. They might not like it at first, but it will work itself out in the end

Gigi,
Oh I agree on the "real" excuses. One thing I have learned that saying no sometimes due to over doing it IS a real excuse as well. My parents split up as well, but thankfully I was out of high school at that time. My parents are now in their late 70's so I just plan so much time to spend with them. Lucky for me & them, they are not too needy at this time.

Its hard making decisions and not being affected ( anxiety ) by them. Somebody always is going to judge. I think for me, I win some battles and gain a tremendous amount of strength. Then I loose some. We are sensitive people and we have to get thicker skin. Our families will still love us, they may even learn from us. I'm sure you love your family very much. I know I do love mine as well.

I have that problem too. My siblings are strong in that they have made the right choices concerning where to place their efforts. Mine are placed on others....not that I am this wonderful giving person. Sometimes I think it is an addiction. My kids, grand kids and friends all come first. I need to prioritize. Maybe tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!