Stress Center Peer Support

I have been married now for almost three years and its getting more and more miserable everyday. We dont get along. He doesnt understand me and I dont think I care anymore. I feel like there isnt any love anymore. And we have both had problems that hurt out trust. I would go to counseling but I just dont think there is any staying power. I hate feeling this way. I keep trying to ignore the feelings I have to leave and try to be happy but these feelings always return.

I dont want to leave because I have problems being alone and I am really scared. But I feel like I am living a lie and I hate that too. I dont want to hurt my husband in anyway, but somedays I just dont even want him around. I dont want him to touch me and there isn't any intimacy. There is also very few happy times. I know I am getting depressed because of this situation and I know he is not happy either. We are just staying together I think because we are stuck there.

I really just dont know what to do. Anyone have any advice, or had any similar experiences or anything words of encouragement....thanks so much.

I had a similar experience in the early years of my marriage. I don't know your exact situation so I don't feel comfortable telling you that it could be related to anxiety. But, in my case I believe my anxiety contributed to a lot of it. I had feelings that he was so far from perfect that I should never have married him. Some days I thought he wasnt good enough, others I thought we were just a bad match.....I have been married 10 years this summer and I can honestly say that I "think" most people have those feelings in the beginning. The key for me was to stop going over in my head all of the reasons he was wrong and instead trying to decide why he was right (for me). HTH!

Thanks workingitout for your reply. I do have a tendency to do that. Well I guess what I am trying to figure out is if I love this man. I think he might be a controlling person. Sometimes he really confuses me with his actions and I guess I just dont really know what to think. All my friends say that they wish I would get away from him. They really dont know him that well so I really don't know why they say that. One of my best friends always comments on how she thinks he is controlling.

An example about that is the other day I had asked my friend about going shopping with me over the weekend, just to be out with her and have a good time, and my husband fought with me over that for 2 days. He doesnt like her, because she doesnt like him, and he doesnt think that I should be hanging out with her because of that.

I dont have many friends and I really like her a lot, I was looking forward to going shopping. And now I am not going because he threw such a huge fit about it. But he never really told me while we were arguing that he didnt want me to go, he just kept bringing up how he didnt like her and how I never treat him good etc., then finally after I realized what the fight was about because like I said he never came out and said I would like it if you didnt go, I told him I was just going to stay home. Instantly he stopped throwing things in my face and he got his way.

I dont want to live my life like that. I really like I said am just confused about him. I am sorry about going on about this, but I guess I am just looking for answers. Thanks for you kind comment

Hello, I know where you are coming from. I have been married for 2 years almost..and the first year was very painful for us both. All I can say, is my advice is hang in there and fight it out! If you didnt love him, then you wouldnt be so torn and upset that your marriage was on the rocks. I felt the SAME way as you, and now, we are working on it and pulling through. I am so happy that I didnt give up. Anyway, I HIGHly recommend the movie fireproof, you need to both sit down and watch it together...its a beautiful marriage and was one of the biggest things that helped heal my marriage, besides God. Please watch this movie! I promise I know where you are coming from, I never though we would work it out..and now im amazed.

As far as the "controlling" issue, try to put the shoe on the other foot. If your husband wanted to go out with one of his buddies that you know doesn't like you - and would likely encourage him to leave you - do you really think you'd want him to spend time with that friend?

It sounds like your friends never took the time to get to know your husband for who he really is. Most of my friends did - and they were the ones to encourage me to stick with it and work through the rough times that my husband and I had in our first year of marriage.

It is an adjustment, being married, and we both come with such expectations. I suggest a few things that helped me: 1 - always try to see things from his perspective before making judgement (put yourself in his shoes), 2 - read the book, "Cracking the Communication Code", it's based on the concepts in the book, "Love and Respect" and is written by the same author. It was very enlightening to me in regards to relationships and the cycles we go through. 3 - try to change the "negative" or "non-productive" thoughts you have about him and your marriage to "productive" or "positive" thoughts. What is special about him?

The 4th suggestion I have is to read (and pray) the book, "The Power of a Praying Wife". It is a fantastic book that I HIGHLY recommend. This made an enormous difference in my outlook on our marriage and realizing how much my husband needs my prayers. I truly believe that I've become much more able to love him as a result of my prayers through this book.

I too want to watch the movie "Fireproof" and have heard good things. I suggest watching it as well.

Best wishes to you and your husband. Have faith that you can make it through these times as others, such as my husband and I have. We are so much happier now and definitely are able to put ourselves in the others' shoes more. I hope and pray things go well for you both!