Stress Center Peer Support

I didn't sleep well last night, I've been pretty depressed, trying to figure out what to do to help myself. I have been thinking of all my problems that I can't overcome by myself. Anyway, I woke up to dreaming about someone somehow spitting on me or I was covered all over with someone's gross spit. You know the kind that I'm talking about, disgusting. It was awful. Then later I'm near a pool of water and I either see the person that spat on me or caused the slime floating in deep water. He was vertical, and bobbing up and down. I pull him over somehow and tell him not to die, to get out of the water. His response was silent and he wasn't alone in the pool of water, like a square pool of water.

I don't recall other details, but I feel so sick and down. I'm teary eyed, and afraid. I don't know what to do right now. My husband barely talks to me, we are both in pain. I'm not the same person I was before my first panic attack, and I've stopped counseling. I just get my feelings hurt when I have this counseling sessions with DH. He becomes explosive and says things that aren't true, let's put it more things are exaggerated and these explosive tendancies of his are what have scared me from the beginning of our marriage. So I have never felt that I could speak up. Anyway, it is a long story and I don't know what to do.

I've been off of Anti depressants for 8 months now and also haven't used Xanax either. I've been trying to do all of this adjusting to the changes in life without meds and I'm an empty nester, sort of and going through Menopause and I'm not taking HRT.

I don't know what to do, all I know is that when I'm active outdoors, I'm happy, my muscles get sore though as I'm aging, of course. I have so many things to work on around my house and yard and sometimes I get overwhelmed and anxious.

I don't have close friends I feel that I can talk to about this as they don't understand and I want to keep my privacy. I'm just so anxious that little things bother me, my Dr says I have G.A.D. but I feel as if I'm going into depression. Maybe I am depressed...can anyone give me some tips. Paislee

Hi Paislee. So sorry to hear you so upset. You helped me so much last month, I had to write back. I have bad dreams too-often of family or people saying hurtful things that break my heart, so I know how it is to feel all sick and down when you wake up. All I can say, since i started the program , I breathe deeply through the initial panic and crying and try to focus on anything else-even TV. There are lots of scary things i can't fix because of age or ability, but the library and yellow pages have helped a lot. I can do more than I thought. I stopped counseling too, and that is really hard. I'm still on medsbutit's so hard to cope off of everything. Have you considered talking to your dr. about a low dose? I applaud your efforts to go cold turkey off everything, but during menopause I was REALLY EMOTIONAL and empty nesting is so lonesome . Went through it all and a divorce at the same time-you will survive, Paislee. You've been such a help to others. I still get down and sad a lot, but I have a grateful list i try to read. I know it's hard to get old and scared of the future. I like to go to our beautiful park and look at the trees and sink in the peace. Hope you feel better-take care Paislee

First, I am very sorry your are suffering so, Paislee. You must know I feel for you and wish I could help you.

On the other hand you probably know I come from a different place. Maybe because I had to so fend for myself in my childhood during war, I generally look to no-one and nothing on the outside, not my husband, not my children, not family, not friends. I have some friends but generally only want to give to them as best I can.

For you I suggest a journal of how to build yourself up on your own. I've written "books" for myself. They sit on a shelf and will do well in recycles one day. But I can tell you they did a lot for me. Maybe that can work for you.

hi P, bummer on the nightmares. For what it is worth I have been thru such dreams, they come from our inner turmoil. I am going to paste a page from a newsletter from a Dr. that knows what to do. Check them out , I am sure you can get a life coach session for free and they can maybe give some guidence. Keep moving forward and as your aware we are here for ya.
Give them a call.
R


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August 2011










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Hi Paislee, I'm sorry that I am just seeing this now, or I would have posted immediately.

I am a pretty good dream interpreter, and I would say the "spit" was your husband's regurgitation of your words. He is spitting them back at you, and not listening, or not hearing you.

Keeping a journal is a wonderful idea, as Tina suggested, and so is a life coach, as R. suggests. (I've tried the life coach, and have another appointment scheduled)

No matter what avenue you choose, Tina is right. You can only change YOU, and you are helpless if you are trying to change someone else.

Love
J.

Thank you all for responding. I thought about all kinds of things, calling my Dr to see about going back on AD's. But who knows when I would get an appointment...money...thought of all the people I could call...still didn't feel comfortable talking to any of them.
I kept praying and thinking about what I could do. Finally, I posted here...then got dressed...ate something went to work in my garden/yard, watering, pulling a few weeds and my plans for this weekend, Yes, I have another mountain resort area to visit, but it is to watch a young person, I know perform in an orchestra or something like that.

I plan on taking my bike to ride the neat bike trails, but was concerned about where I would stay and checking the hotels was stressful, plus I can't find my debit card! I have it since my other trip, but not sure where it is since I went to the water park and boating. Sometimes I tuck it away "safe" and then can't find it!

But I have some cash, always worry about that as well, because of people stealing or robbing me...."what if's" going on here. I am pursuing these activities to conquer fear, support other people and because I love the outdoors, the scenery, and happy people.

DH has been great, quiet but he surprised me with a new seat for my bike which was worn out from being in the elements. Had a visitor way late last night, the widow as some of you might know, we had a good visit, but it was after 1:00AM.

So now I'm ready to head out, a two hour drive, I have cash for a hotel if needs be, but the way things are I probably won't need one this time around. I'm packed in case of an emergency stay over. Just a lot of nerves..but looking for the debit card has helped me to really get focused on decluttering...dejunking...let go of stuff and things that are in my way.

Clear off the cobwebs... One thing I know, is that activity makes me happy, I have to balance it with rest and not overdoing. Well, so many things to think about...but I better get on the highway if I want to enjoy my bike riding time and leisure activities.

DH also filled up my tank as well...so I don't have to worry about using my debit card or a check or cash on fuel. I also let his derogatory remarks...slide by. I'll explain later. I know they are only said because he is hurting himself. Paislee

P, Have you and dh read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman ?
You more than likely being Female are allready in the know of them, Dh may not have a clue so to speak. To be blunt what is his issue, or pops his emotions the quickest? What is the "wall" between the two of you. No need to say allthough until it is repaired or resolved things are only going to get worse. One can deny only for so long and then things go awry.
Be carefull playing with the bike and give thought to prepareing for the mission of getting back to the everyday and focas in on the root issue. I am seeing a buildup to a fall and it maybe need not be.
Only as a observation, the signs of avoidance in keeping oneself busy to preoccupy a sickness or reality can be dangerous to ones health.
I like my lemonaid juice without sugar.

R

Great Tip, R!
I always forget that piece of advise myself.
J.

Thanks and good day to ya J. I damn sure have my days as well. All we can do is manage and remove the problem stressors.
It comes in learning and living survival. Definitly has it's love hate relationship, we must not be overcome by the unmanaged stressors or I gave up thinking. That will not work to stay alive. Learning to manage the stressor as a tool for me insted of being the tool for it is a challange I am allways juggleing. It wears me down but I refuse to let it take me out. I do wish the same for you and we will conquor all.

R

Ahhh Paislee,
Sorry to hear you ganged up on your self this way! I know how this goes....I do it from time to time too- been there done this! I think I would take a xanax for a couple days and group my thoughts up. Your dream was in my thinking, I would think of someone who dumps on you all the time, but yet you care deeply for as you were worried if they were ok.
All the things you mentioned in your post are BIG and it is so easy to get overwhelmed when one puts them all together. It would depress me.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer some suggestions that I might try. I would prioritize my concerns. Is the relationship bad? What do I want from the relationship? Is it possible? What are my expectations of the relationship? Do I want the relationship? ( just a few ideas.)

The empty nest, I don't know about. I know my friends have dealt with that. I'll leave that to those who have gone through it.

Menopause, This is hard! It is a nutty time and at times I feel disconnected, emotional, confused,hot flashes, at times all revved up, others really sleepy. I am not on any hormones either. I hope to ride it out. We'll see. The doctors always want to put me on anti d. drugs for 2 years while going through. Being afraid of drugs I passed.

I would practice relaxation. Patience. Sometimes there are no quick fixes. Patience with your self to detangle your thoughts. Try to think of what you want to do. Avoiding a big decision can have long lasting problems. I think for myself I would work on self first, get my mind calm and in a comfortable place, and think about what direction I want my life to go. What I liked about this program is it helps me be independent. Relying on myself more. Not to say I don't need other people, but sometimes there are things I can do for myself that really only I can do. No one else can make me happy ( I use that word generously), content ect...

You do have yourself, you are a kind, generous,big hearted, help full, able, fun gal. You have us who all understand anxiety & depression. You have your faith. You will do good. Let it go....

Sending huggs your way. Sorry I didn't see your post sooner. Hope you are feeling better!