Stress Center Peer Support

Hello All!
My name is Kait, I joined this forum a couple years ago when I completed the program, but never posted.
I come from an alcoholic family, and have abandonment issues from my childhood.
I grew up very quickly as of 9yrs old my dysfunctional mother decided I needed to be her mother, since she was always the victim of something.
My parents were divorced and I didn’t have much to do with my Dad until a few years ago.
I have had issues with anxiety since as early as 5years old.

I found this program worked great 2 years ago; and slowly but surely my anxiety has crept back up.
I have noticed if I am not diligent with my thinking, it snowballs into all negative thoughts, quick.
I successfully weaned myself off meds two years ago after doctors telling me to keep doubling doses, try different ones, and it flat out not working; then finding I found this program!
When I am actually able to concentrate on the relaxation tape, my anxiety subsides.
But of course, I make a little progress and forget to keep on it.
What I am struggling now in my life is no drama.
I am in a good relationship, sober almost 3yrs, just bought a beautiful home with my boyfriend of 3yrs, have a job I love that pays ok.
What I am finding my mind doing is trying to find things to worry about…I am wondering if anyone else goes through that?
I think this is the first period of time in my life that I don’t have any ‘real stress/drama’
So the latest is I am borderline-obsessed that my boyfriend is cheating! I cannot get it out of my head! He doesn’t party, drink, go out that much, no signs of infidelity…its like I know better, but he will be, say a half hour late coming home from work and I am convinced he is having coffee with someone or something. I try to talk myself out of it, but I will lash out and then feel so guilty…
The reason I think my mind is picking this is there is absolutely nothing else for me to worry about.
I have also been known to self sabotage, because I don’t feel I deserve him, or anything else good that happens. The self-sabotage is almost sub-conscious…I don’t want to drive him away and I know accusing of infidelity will. Any insight would help!

Hi, Im Donna.It sounds like you have the right answers so you know yourself pretty well.It sounds to me like your abandonment issues coming up & a dose of low self esteem.Have you been in therapy? I have these issues also and when they come from our childhood they dont go away.You have to always work on it and have constant awareness. Look at it like a separate part of yourself that you have to keep under controll.When you get suspicious tell yourself its that part of you thats over reacting and theres no truth to it.Those old tapes running inside our heads are false feedback,dont listen to it.We are our own worst enemies but we can change those negative thoughts.Therapy helped me alot and reading self help books.I especially like "A new Earth" by Eckhardt Tolle.Talk about insight WOW its quite an insightful book.I hope this helps. Good luck.

Thank you Donna!
I thought I knew myself pretty well too, so when stuff comes up, I think jeez, where did this come from now.
But you are so right about the childhood stuff. I do need to just remind myself that's all it is....sometimes my mind will try to fool me and say 'there has to be some truth to this, or am I just that crazy?!' then I feel worse!
And I love that you just said 'a part of myself I need to keep under control/overreacting'. For some reason, if I can learn the 'why' part of my reactions, I feel a great deal better.
I have been in and out of therapy my whole life (not right now mainly because of $)
I do read a lot and appreciate the book recommendation! I will check it out. thanks again for you're reply!

Welcome, Kait! I know what you mean, when things seem calm I begin to wonder myself at what is coming next. I do have reasons to feel that way, just as you do from your childhood issues. Mine isn't from childhood, but just from events that have happened in my married life and possibly growing up years. The only thing growing up would just be normal family dynamics but surprises in our family that I might have felt the stress. I had an older sister get pregnant out of wedlock at 21 and it was quite devastating to our family. We did end up raising the child as my sister just was unable to hold a job or be responsible in a hippie environment filled era.

So I would have to say there was a lot of drama around my childhood home, arguments between my parents and my sister, I would still have to say that my family was pretty okay compared to what you went through.

But in my married life, we've gone through all kinds of trials, and so I do get anxious. Dr David Burns Good Mood Therapy has always been helpful and his workbook 10 Steps to Self Esteem helped me to wean off of antidepressants after being on them for about 10 years or so. I do want to share with you that I did lose a son to suicide 8 years ago, so this has been a constant stress or pain that has affected our whole family, not just my husband and I. When we think we are okay, sadness creeps in, and I do get anxious and I now have to wonder if it is part of the grieving process and I'm not longer on anti-depressants to numb some of my feelings.

Anyway, we're glad you are here. My sis in law has recommended that book "A New Earth", but haven't read it yet. Paislee

Paisleegreen wrote:When we think we are okay, sadness creeps in, and I do get anxious and I now have to wonder if it is part of the grieving process a

THANK YOU for posting Paisleegreen! I actually just ordered that book from amazon. Read the description, and said, 'yup, that's me'!
And WOW - that statement above says it all!!! First of all, I am very sorry about your loss...that must be/have been so hard.
I feel a huge sadness sometimes...it's almost like the little kid in me is still screaming (from 9yrs old) IT'S NOT FAIR!!! IT STILL ISN'T/WASN'T FAIR!
I just turned 30 this year, but still feel like I was robbed of a childhood and am always waiting for the other shoe to fall, or my boyfriend to walk out. When I was abandoned by both parents (when they got divorced, they handed me back and forth) whats the hardest to swallow, is there were no extravagant circumstances...so when all is well, I am still terrified!!!
Maybe I need to grieve still from my childhood...I have done some 'adult-child' work and it was very healing.

It's like this sinking feeling that my boyfriend will have a better time w/o me, and I noticed even if he is working late, visiting family members, anything w/o me I get the same feeling. That's why I believe he is not actually cheating, because I get the same feeling no matter what the details/circumstances are...
Does anybody else struggle with that terrifying 'left out' feeling?

Kait,
I to had a rough childhood my mom is Bipolar & I grew up on a farm. I have done therapy off & on for years myself. Yes my thought race I have a hard time focusing right now on most things. Therefore I misplace things a lot this scares me & I feel like I am going crazy. I too have low self-esteem, & insecurities which makes me defensive & easily offended.
Have you ever heard of Joyce Meyer? She is a wonderful speaker she tell her story how she was sexually abused by her father for many years & how she was able to heal herself. Her saying is I didn't have a good beginging by I am having a great life now. Joyce will say how she is able to have fun now.
I feel the voice you are hearing is the devil, his job is to steal, kill & destroy. He loves when we are miserable & he is full of lies.
I did the program the first time in April of '09 & by Aug.of '09 I had peace & joy for the first time in my life. This program works but we must be diligent & work it.

Grandma loves good advice.

Paisleegreen I am so sorry to hear about your son. I have 2 daughter & the one has tried to commit suicide 3 times. That alone is bad enough I can't imagine how you must feel.

Bless ya all

Hi Layha, thanks for posting! I have actually heard of and LOVE Joyce Meyer. And heard her story of abuse. Very inspiring, she has a great message!
And I agree, this program does work. I just need to plug back in for round 2.

You are welcome. Maybe we can checkin on a regular basis. I have a friend & we try to meet once a week to work the program. I've decided I am going to keep moving a head cause one session took us a month. Remember where the mind goes man follows.