Stress Center Peer Support

I am CONSTANTLY worried about my relationship with my husband which really means that I totally hate myself and can't figure out WHY he wants to be with me. My constant worrying about him leaving me makes me fear that I will push him away and then he WILL leave making my fears totally real.

We've been together 12 years, Im 6 months pregnant with our first child ( so far, a healthy pregnancy), and we seperated for 11 months 3 years ago then got back together. We were both miserable. I initiated it at the advice of 2 therapists because I thought that I had lost my identity in the relationship blah blah blah when really all I did was drink too much and have a casual affair. SO STUPID!!

He knows about the promiscuity, was deeply hurt and betrayed because I lied about it when he would ask me (I honestly did not want to hurt him). I always wanted to be with him and regret the seperation DEEPLY even though I have a second chance and know that I will NEVER hurt him like that again EVER.

Part of my anxiety is that I can't forgive myself for ever hurting him so badly - that I am this evil person and he will eventually come to realize that I am not the one for him. He wouldn't have taken me back if he thought that.

I went through the program in 2005-2006 with AMAZING results - it got me back behind the wheel of the car again. I was good for awhile, but now I am extremely insecure about him leaving me, finding someone more awesome than me, and i think its the guilt of my decisions in the recent past. I can't forgive myself. It was something that I felt that I needed at the time, etc...

Should I do the program again? Im a freaking mess. Him leaving me and falling out of love with me is what I worry about everyday, CONSTANTLY. Especially when I am alone. As much as he cares about me, he doesn't understand anxiety or depression the way that I am experiecing it so I can't go to him for the answers. His advice is to "just stop."
HELP!

If the program helped you a lot the first time, I imagine it'll do the same if you do it again. This is CBT and requires that we continue training our minds to think in ways that eliminate anxiety and depression, otherwise we fall back to our negative habits.

I wanted to say that I sympathize with you in your worrying about your marriage. This is often one of my worries because I feel like my husband has been a saint for staying with me through my bouts of depression and agoraphobia. You're right, in that we need to love ourselves more. My husband tells me he feels lucky to be with me and wouldn't trade it for anything, but the truth is that this is a message that we need to be giving ourselves. I believe him, but his compliment is marred by my negative thinking and low self-esteem. I also did the casual affair thing and hurt my husband, so I know what it's like to feel the guilt and shame over hurting him and our marriage in that manner.

Anyhow, you can get through this. PM me if you want to talk.

you should go through the program again, im barely going through it and its good to hear that it does work..but honestly i get you..you feel like youre pushing him with your insecurity, and that you yourself are going to make your own fears come true. well first...you should give him that support person cd that explains anxiety to the people in your life..your #1 thing is to get him to understand your anxiety. I heard it cuz i was curious and it sounds pretty simple so its a good cd to give him. this is something you need to do again cuz im sure it will help you be more secure about his love for you, and also to let go of your guilt.
i have a question, just curious, do you think you had that affair because deep down you thought you didnt deserve him or something along that line..one of my fears is that if i have a relationship with someone i might cheat on them..it might just be an obsessive thought for me though idk

Yes, if the program helped before then go for it again

another thing is though is you MUST MUST MUST learn to forgive yourself, if you don't it will keep haunting you. You know, we all do this to ourselves...It's quite funny when you think about, a lot of us with anxiety are so easy to forgive others, but when it comes to doing it with our own self...NOT EASILY ATTEMPTED OR ACHIEVED...you must let it go, keep going forward and you need to remember if your husband didn't truly want to be with you then when you got back together he wouldn't have made that attempt. If he can forgive you you need to let go of it all for yourself too I know it's easier said then done, but it will come and you will feel a freedom like you cannot imagine.

enjoy yourself, your new life of bringing in baby and learn to enjoy the small things...no one needs to live in the past or the future, we only have today...

Good luck and hang in there

Im so sorry you are struggling especially since you are pregnant and pregnancy is supposed to be so joyous. Its been about 8 years for me and im absolutely going to do the program again, and i suggest you do too. I hope things get better, i know exactly what you mean, im struggling with my anxiety and an addiction and i know its because of things i have done in the past that i cannot forgive myself for. My oldest son is leaving home and i feel i was never a goood enough mother to him so im feeling tremendous guilt, among other things i feel guilty for. Anyway guilt is a very very ugly thing so please do he program and get healthy for you and your precious baby!!!

One other thing, please try not to stress that he is going to leave you. One thing i do remember about the program is that something like that is beyond your control, if a spouse wants to leave there is honestly nothing we can do to stop them, you cant force a person to stay in love with you so why worry about it. My husband never really got to have his party days we got together when he was 18, i had 2 kids and so he got an instant family. We have been together 14 years and for the last year he has been going out with his friends every friday night, which hes never ever done. I used to stress out so much that hes going to find someone else and it would start so many fights and then i figured if he does and wants to leave i really cant stop him and so i dont worry about it anymore.