Dear Diary,
I have a lot of thoughts running around in my head right now. I don't even know where to begin, but I'll do my best. So, a guy asked me out on a date. I said yes. Not sure now what I was thinking. I'm nervous. I don't know. Maybe I meant to say no. Maybe not. I'm so confused. what if it doesn't work out and I end up breaking his heart! I don't want to do that. We have been doing stuff together as friends for a few weeks now. He's a good person, very sweet. I don't know. Am I dating him because I feel lonely or am I really interested in getting to know him and all that stuff. God, help me please. I'm so nervous. I'm going to see him in a couple of hours today. Feeling anxious. very anxious today. feeling overwhelmed.
My ex called me a heartbreaker when we were dating. Is it true? am i a heart breaker? I don't want to be a heart breaker, but I also don't want to continue dating someone just because I don't want to breakup and hurt their feelings. I am so confused. I'm not very attracted to this person, but maybe that can change? Sometimes when I get to know someone better I become attracted to them. I feel like I am being inauthentic with this guy. Pretending to be interested when really I'm feeling very very confused about the whole situation. I am being such a chicken.
I met him at group, at an outpatient mental health program associated with the psych ward. That can't be good. That means we are both mentally not well. Maybe tomorrow, I should talk to one of the councelors at the outpatient program about my situation. I don't want to talk about my feelings but it's probably the right thing to do. Okay, well, thanks for letting me vent about what's going on in my head right now.
I am going to go and do an exercise video now and see if that helps me to feel a little bit better. I have more things to talk about but I will just leave it at that for now and maybe revisit this online diary again tomorrow. ttyl. bye!!!
Dear Diary
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Fireandice192001
Re: Dear Diary
I’ve been there. Not knowing if I’m only wanting to date bc I’m lonely r really like this person. Great idea to chat with your counselor. I don’t like to label things as dates bc they make me too anxious and the other party may be expecting sometime I’m not ready to give such as holding hands r kidding. I have to feel really comfortable with them. I just call it going out to eat. Go some place where it’s just dessert and let them know up front that u have some place u r scheduled to go In an hr and if u r feeling ok and all goes well stay as long as u r comfortable. I can write forever on this. Hope u have some answers
Re: Dear Diary
Thank you fireandice. That is really good advice about everything that you said. Very reassuring and encouraging. I feel better about the whole thing. I did let him know that I am uncomfortable and nervous about dating and that I wasn't quite sure if I was up to the idea of being more than friends, so at least I let him know that. But I do think that if I am going to end it with him, it's much better to do it sooner rather than later. I don't want to string him along just because i am feeling lonely when I don't feel a strong connection with this guy.
I'm going to see him later today and maybe have a serious talk with him, but I'm just gonna talk with a councelor first, I haven't done that yet. And i will let you know how it goes. I think I will feel much less stressed out once I face my fears of having a talk with this guy about how I am really feeling about the whole dating thing. It will be hard but I can do it. Will update you soon!
How are you doing fireandice? or whoever feels like writing something on this thread?
I'm going to see him later today and maybe have a serious talk with him, but I'm just gonna talk with a councelor first, I haven't done that yet. And i will let you know how it goes. I think I will feel much less stressed out once I face my fears of having a talk with this guy about how I am really feeling about the whole dating thing. It will be hard but I can do it. Will update you soon!
How are you doing fireandice? or whoever feels like writing something on this thread?
Re: Dear Diary
Hi. I am about to be negative right now. I got drunk today. I regret it. and i feel even worse than when I started. I just wanted to feel something different, I know it;s not gonna make me bettter, it's not gonna make everything bright and sunny, but at least it is a change. I see things differently. no filter, I can not do my responsibilites. I'm not sellng it. I need help. majorly. I cn't I wishi i was dead. I just don't want to live anymore, but I don't have the courage to do any thing. I havea problme.. I am an alcoholic. i disappointed everyone. good bye friends. good bye jessica. good bye grant good bye all oof my friends. and maybe I should just dissapeear cause I can't handle life anymore.
usually I am bright and sunny and cheerful. but I am not that way. I guess I have ot just go to rehab or someting. or i do'nt know.
usually I am bright and sunny and cheerful. but I am not that way. I guess I have ot just go to rehab or someting. or i do'nt know.
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NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Re: Dear Diary
Mkat
I read your post and yeah its pretty clear you are having a pretty rough time right now. I bet there is alot of pain that has lead to where you are now and I'm sorry you are going through this, I can tell you were feeling pretty desparate when you wrote this out. I've been there myself many times, I get how hard that can be.
You said usually you are bright and sunny and cheerful...its ok to have moments when you're not and its ok to reach out in those moments, we all have our less than bright, sunny, cheerful moments. I appreciate that you can show this more vulnerable side with others instead of always having to be positive all the time (people are not 100% positive all the time).
You also mentioned being an alcoholic, one of the things about addictions is, its not that people do them because they are fun, they do them as an attempt to feel intimacy...to feel good when they don't, to experience enjoyment when it is scarce...people do that when they feel ashamed of themselves and they don't know what to do. The way I see it, its really the best means you've had for a long time in order to deal with some strong pain and to a very limited time, it does help temporarily in the short term...it just doesn't help long term and I assume it does cause other problems. I don't know you or what you've gone through that got you to where you are now, but I don't think its your fault. You could only use what you had and if you had known a better way to cope and move through the pain, you'd probabbly have used that way over the alcohol. Now since you've found the program, you can learn another way that is more satisfying, that also helps the same way alcohol has but with the short and long term.
So at this point, do what you need to do to get yourself through this challenging time, like rest, doing some nice things for yourself, surround yourself with things that make you feel good, and then come back to us and lets continue to build ourselves up, ya?
I read your post and yeah its pretty clear you are having a pretty rough time right now. I bet there is alot of pain that has lead to where you are now and I'm sorry you are going through this, I can tell you were feeling pretty desparate when you wrote this out. I've been there myself many times, I get how hard that can be.
You said usually you are bright and sunny and cheerful...its ok to have moments when you're not and its ok to reach out in those moments, we all have our less than bright, sunny, cheerful moments. I appreciate that you can show this more vulnerable side with others instead of always having to be positive all the time (people are not 100% positive all the time).
You also mentioned being an alcoholic, one of the things about addictions is, its not that people do them because they are fun, they do them as an attempt to feel intimacy...to feel good when they don't, to experience enjoyment when it is scarce...people do that when they feel ashamed of themselves and they don't know what to do. The way I see it, its really the best means you've had for a long time in order to deal with some strong pain and to a very limited time, it does help temporarily in the short term...it just doesn't help long term and I assume it does cause other problems. I don't know you or what you've gone through that got you to where you are now, but I don't think its your fault. You could only use what you had and if you had known a better way to cope and move through the pain, you'd probabbly have used that way over the alcohol. Now since you've found the program, you can learn another way that is more satisfying, that also helps the same way alcohol has but with the short and long term.
So at this point, do what you need to do to get yourself through this challenging time, like rest, doing some nice things for yourself, surround yourself with things that make you feel good, and then come back to us and lets continue to build ourselves up, ya?
Re: Dear Diary
Thank you Ninja for your post. I just read it now even though it was over a month ago. I am sober now, thank God. And I have been sober for over a month. That last one that I mentioned of was my last drunk. Hopefully it will remain my last. For now, though, I have been going to a.a. meetings everyday and talking everyday to my sponsor.
I was doing the Combatting Stress and Depression Program program, but stopped at session 3. That is a pattern of mine where I start the program, and then i stop. So I am going to pick up right where I left off and continue on with session number 3 audio cd, workbookk and all that.
I am so grateful to having these forums. I am going to go back to writing/reading on these forums everyday. I have had a spike in anxiety this week and it feels awful.
So, back to doing the program and hopefully I will be feeling better. I hope so. It is frustrating to be on the vicious cycle of anxiety and depression, but I am feeling optimistic. I am going to go back to doing the program.
I was doing the Combatting Stress and Depression Program program, but stopped at session 3. That is a pattern of mine where I start the program, and then i stop. So I am going to pick up right where I left off and continue on with session number 3 audio cd, workbookk and all that.
I am so grateful to having these forums. I am going to go back to writing/reading on these forums everyday. I have had a spike in anxiety this week and it feels awful.
So, back to doing the program and hopefully I will be feeling better. I hope so. It is frustrating to be on the vicious cycle of anxiety and depression, but I am feeling optimistic. I am going to go back to doing the program.
Re: Dear Diary
I need help. I need someone or some people that I can talk to from this program. or i don't know what I need. I am feeling pretty lost and I need help. I need people. I just want to get myself to stay connected with people on this forum. i am experiencing emotional pain right now and it is very uncomfortable. the good news is that I am still sober since june 15th 2019 so about a month and a half of sobriety, but I am also having a hard time dealing with feelings of sadness and don't know what to do other than to just stay connected on these online forums every single day. I think that will help. I just need to make a commitment with myself to do that. anyone interested in connecting whether it's through chat or the forums or whatever. just needing some support right now. thanks!
Re: Dear Diary
Hello all! I have made a decision AGAIN to do the Combatting Stress and Depression Program program and online forum. Just been dealing with an increase of stress and not coping with it as well as I would like to. So, I will give this a shot and continue where I left off which was on session number 3, so hopefully I can just be patient with myself and keep moving through the program even if I don't think I have done the work perfect enough. It's not all or nothing. So, I'm back to doing the program again. Yay! Today I will do session 3 day one. I will come back and visit the forum again tomorrow. How is the program going for you guys? anyone wanna chat about it? haven't done any online chats here in a while, but I would be happy to do that again. talk to you later! bye!