Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

Tomorrow. I'm too upset now. Everything is fine, but I'm just sad.

[tina martin]

J, we're patient and with you and believe in you. Trust yourself and believe in yourself. We do.

[Paisleegreen]

Take care, J, hope all is is okay.

[Loveslife]

I believe that until we are willing to take action, it is useless talking about the problem. Other wise the discussion becomes a circle.
I'm just scared to start over, alone. That's it in a nutshell.

tonight I went to visit my daughter, and she said "why are you so sad" I guess I'm not hiding it very well. I'm getting stronger, and I'm working, but I'm starting to wonder what the point is. The problem stays the same.

discouraged and down....

Goodnight.

[Loveslife]

Only I'm not dangerous like K. poses, and I'm not infusing myself with him. The opposite is true.
But, My name is J., and I am an enabler.

[tina martin]

What you say is understandable. I think you are referring to the blog and there is indeed room to disagree. Of course it is scary to go it alone. And there is no need to hide your feelings from daughter. Can you try and think of all the positives you have accomplished? There are so many.

Please give yourself a hug. Here is one from me. I hope you can get some rest. Love.......T

[SoWhatif]

From the minute you turn to look at the demons you have been trying so hard to run from, you begin to take all of their momentum away from them and harness it to your advantage. By our Dr K.
J, Everybody is or can be a enabler. It is not the enablers reason or cause it is the reaction of anothers actions when we hide or are hidden from the truth. Once knowing the truth and confronting the dependant they will lash out viraciously.

To be contrite may be more the goal your needing. Deal with the facts and refrain from emotion.

Yes it is very saddening and painfull to find that, that was is not. It is not allways the end, alot of times it can be or is the new beginning. We sure as hell do not see it at them times. Where the path leads must be given to time. J The truth is sad and painfull but as Dr. K writes in the book it will set you free. Morning a death is normal and when a marrage or relationship ends it is a sort of death. Here is a hug to the future and a wave for the past. Lets go see whats arond the next corner, Tina and P will be at the trailhead and we will summit this mountain with you. You may be by yourself, but your never alone. There are a couple winged things looking over your shoulder give some of the burdon to them, they can handle it.
Right now you are the strong one and as goes you may not see the trees do to the thickness of the forest.

Top of the morning tomorrow to ya J.

[tina martin]

For those of us who did not experience that developmental step of living alone, it is a daunting prospect. I understand that perfectly because I never took it. Could not even take it years later when DH pursued his career (Westward Ho) and I despaired at leaving NJ. I went along and had breakdowns. Who enabled whom?

So there you have it. We each have our baggage and muddle through. But I'm ready to get into R's Quad and climb the mountain, if that is your choice. I'm bringing Tolstoy, Chekhov, Gogol, and Jonathan Franzen's essays, "How to be Alone," avocados, tomatoes, cucumber, Gorditas, fruit, nuts. Also cribbage, Old Maid, Jumble, Boggle, binoculars to see the birds. Then we'll fall on R and ravish him. We'll send apologies to his wife.

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,

Hi. I noticed I am always signed in here, and that is because I have no idea what my password or sign in info is, so best not to sign out.

Diary, I'm so grateful for all of the feedback that I am receiving, and I am listening and taking it all in.

Diary, I wish I could tell you differently, but today is a bad day. I'm just lying here. Julie wants me to go to her classroom today so she can "show me off" to her children, which I will, but I don't feel like it. I know that she really wants me to see her class room and be so proud of her, etc. and I am. I will go, and I will wear my smiley face and blah blah blah.

Diary, I am not sure how I'm going to pull it off. I'm tired, because the depression is coming back. I can feel it. He told me last night that I'm doing a lousy job selling the things in storage, and it is just a "mom and pop" situation. I'm supposed to meet the lady at the storage facility today, but I just can't find the inner strength. Frankly, I really don't care about any of it anymore.

I need to show her which shades go with which lamps, and I just told her on the phone to figure it out. This woman isn't very how shall I put it, "decorator orientated" so she is liable to put the wrong shades on the wrong lamps, but do I care. No.

Do I care that an antique french faience urn that I had made into a lamp and cost me a pretty penny will likely sell for a pretty penny? I'm numb, so I really don't care.

What else is bothering me besides the fact that my depression is incapacitating me? Well, Jeff wants me to apologize and I have no idea what I am supposed to apologize about. I expressed my thoughts to him very honestly on New Years Eve, and he wants an apology. Go F. Yourself. That's how I feel. I was ALWAYS there for him, and he doesn't even know to what degree, yet he wants an apology. That relationship was a one way relationship. Me listening and guiding and giving, and him asking for guidance. Fine, but it's not like I could ask him for any help, because I believe in boundaries. I'm married to his father.

What else is bothering me. Jeff is a sneaky person, and has always been a sneaky person. That is bothering me very much.
Also, OK, this is bothering me a great deal....I'm very aware that Jeff is trying to feel empathy, but he really doesn't have empathy. So, when he shows empathy towards others, it is forced and fake. Pretty much all of the kids are like that.

They don't have compassion. It's all twisted and fake. I know it. I'm 100 percent sure of it, and I have been keeping it in for 23 years. They have treated me like shit for 23 years, and I've ignored it because I was the "adult"

We are all adults now, and they still treat me like shit and I don't deserve it. More venting is necessary.

All I've really ever wanted was a role model.

My stepmother was threatened by me (per my father) and hated me.
But, I wanted and tried to be a great stepmother, yet I had a shitty one.

My mother is an alcoholic and we all know how bad my childhood was.
Yet I try and try to be a good mother.

My daughter's stepmother treats me horribly and openly hates me.
I try and try to get along and befriend my stepkid's mother.

On and on and on.

I even feel guilty for venting my pent up feelings here, because it will seem like I'm complaining and whining.

I'm not. It's all the truth and I know no one will believe me.

I feel angry at all of my stepkids. I'm tired of feeling left out. I've been trying to detatch myself from them but the truth is they couldn't care less about me.

Brooke is in jail. I can't go there in my mind, so I won't.

Emotional abuse is worse then physical abuse. Words hurt and they linger.

I'm too weak to even leave or make him leave, but I'm getting closer.

Storage. Just sell it all, Janet. Just sell it all away.

Julie is happy, Thank God.

Todd bought the cabin, which makes me feel happy for him. I wish they loved me like I love them.

There. I found it. I found what is hurting me terribly.

I wish they loved me like I love them. All of them. My stepmother, my mother, my stepkids, (not Gail) but everyone else.
My brothers.

I wonder why no one ever really loved me. I'm crying.

Ok. Time to put on my smiley face, go to the post office and go to Julie's classroom and pretend I'm happy.

From,
Me.
PS
Diary, just forget about any typos, because this was a vent.
I loved my stepkids, and they never loved me.
That really hurts.

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
Apparently, I'm not done.

For 23 years my stepkids have been pretty mean to me. Very mean at times. So mean that I often stayed far away from events because it was painful. I wish they liked me. They don't even have to love me. It would have been nice if they had liked me.

It's exhausting seeking everyone's approval, and I think that is what I always try to do. Like a puppy dog. Please love me, please, please please.

The truth is that I have to love myself. I have been really happy and loving myself, but somehow, something triggered me back into my depression.

Maybe I just need a cup of tea? Maybe that is all I need to feel better.

Insight blows. That's the truth. (my needlepoint ladies say "blows" and it made me laugh, so now I've used it in writing.

Insight blows big time.

I need more of it though, so maybe it doesn't blow after all.

fine diary, I'll stop rambling and just go make some tea and put on my lipgloss and mascara and
I'm hungry. Maybe I'll have some soup.

Bye.