Dear Diary

[Rsmry]

Hi everyone I just wanted to show myself here, I'm not sure what I can share or add yet, but it's good to see others do have crazy lives like mine. I have so much to share I dont know where to start so for now I'm gonna start slow.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Rsmry- Nice to meet you! I've been working on trying to get moving in the morning or the day. I stopped taking my AD's that I barely started after being off of them for over a year or so. They made me more tense and aggressive, even felt suicidal. Very weird, as they had always helped me in the past. Mainly going through a change in hormones and life changes. But I'm sure a lot of it is lack of the long sunny days of summer...so I've known this to be my main problem during the winter.

How are you doing?

[bunny rabbit]

Dear Diary: Okay, I now realize my DD needs to suffer the natural consequences of her current unhealthy relationship choices in order to learn the lessons she needs to. If she didn't need to learn the lessons she wouldn't be in this relationship. She needs to work through her childhood issues as I have had to. I believe she is seeking out men who remind her of her father because she didn't and may still not feel her father's love for her. She doesn't realize my husband, her father is an extremely wounded man who became emotionally frozen as a child in order to survive and still has not got in touch with his feelings.

I believe she feels an ocean of shame because the bar of expectations serving God in a spiritually abusive church throughout her childhood was held beyond anyone's grasp. She has led a double life since high school. Her marriage was an extension of this. I didn't want to face the truth of what she was doing. Instead I held on to the myth of her being an anointed Spirit-filled believer who went on mission trips to Africa ministering to the destitute in the garbage heaps of Mozambique.

I believe she needs to finish her business from the past in order to be attracted to people who will love, respect and value her for the amazing person that she is. This grief on top of the grief she is dealing with of the past 5 years is too much to bear so she is replacing the loss with another unhealthy relationship in order to survive. This is where she's at right now.

I know that learning to love and respect myself is a long, slow process. I need to be patient and loving towards her. I believe she will be in this relationship until she learns what she needs to learn from being with him. I need to detach and let go and let God take over.

Blessings to all from a Distraught Controlling Bunny that is learning to let go.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Bunny Rabbit--I'm so sorry for what you and your DD are going through. I'm glad you are able to let go. I know how hard that can be. Let us know how you are doing. P

[SoWhatif]

So how are things really going folks ? Is everyone enjoying the fruits and joy of CHANGE ?
I wish a leader we have could get struck by lighting and gain the realization the it is not the American spirit that is faultering. It is a Marxist "FAIR SHARE" mentality that is the being implemented and orchastrated as a good thing.
Please everyone research the facts of what it really in the koolaid, were being feed by what in the real American home, would be known as a used car sales pitch of a "lemon".

Anyway I am anxious for Spring. Have a warm winter.

R

[Loveslife]

I miss you so much R.
You have been so quiet, but the few times that I've heard from you, you have me worried. I know how hard things are for you.

I'll take your hand and help pull you out of the blackness that you are feeling.

I've just worked the hardest 21/2 months of my life. I loved every minute of it and was given high accolades. I broke sales records and the corporate offices were impressed with me when they came to visit.

But alas, the season is over and everyone's hours have been cut. I am very disappointed but am trying to piggyback this job into another job.

We are declaring bankruptcy as you know, and today was the hardest day ever. Today I had to tell my husband that he should stop paying the mortgage, as he is not working and we will soon have no money left. We will lose our home very soon.

Friday I am flying to Florida on free miles and am going to look at inexpensive rentals and my friend will help me look for a job, as she knows everyone in this small coastal community.

I told my husband today that I wanted a separation. We are not speaking, and I'm not sure what will happen. It might not be feasible for us to separate, financially.

I'm trying to be strong, and I can't wait to find work again, because I absolutely love people and love to work, no matter the pay.

So, Rick, take my hand and let me help you as you have always helped me.

We are in this foxhole together. Yes, we must get Obama out of office. I fear for our Navy Seals today, because once again the media is telling the world what we should not know, and making them a sitting target, AGAIN. I have not forgotten all of the Seals that were killed after we took out Bin Laden. Some military missions should remain secret, for the safety of our honored soldiers.

Peace and love to all of you, and Bunny, I am so sorry to hear of your daughters situation. ((((((Prayers)))))

PS
Special love to Tina, if she should ever return and read this.

XOXO

[tina martin]

Thank you, J. and Hi, R. In fact I'm here most days appreciating this site and what I think the program can do for people. So sorry about everyone's problems; we have them in one form or another. Dr. Keith's book on Casey Anthony finally gave a name to my PD. I actually sent him an e-mail thanking him and he answered. Was that a thrill?

Always happy when you return and always grateful, R, that you brought me here. I see in my crystal ball that all will be well in 2012. XO, XO, XO........Tina

[Paisleegreen]

Hi all! Glad to see you J and R and of course Tina! I've been seeing Tina on the other threads. I agree w/ R and J, I hope for a new change in the White House. P

[Paisleegreen]

I wanted to add that I hope things go well for you in Florida, j. I know this will be a hard time for your hubby...hugs sent your way and wished for better days and some work! P

[LyndaLu]

Dear Diary:

Everything seemed fine with me, at least somewhere in my head I thought everything was fine.
But it wasn't. I was having a harder and harder time doing my job at work. I did not see this at all.
My work performance was diminishing. It took more effort to get the job done. I could not do it.
I thought I was doing it just fine.

I wasn't feeling well. I never felt well and had no idea what was going on. What was with this
spacy feeling, this migraine headache, this trouble concentrating, this obsession with illnesses,
why is my heart racing, why won't someone tell me what is going on. I had panic attacks. I
had no idea they were panic attacks. I was at the Emergency Room all of the time. I did not find
it unusual for me to be at the ER, I was just there. It was my "safe place". I was released from
the ER. I still thought everything seemed fine. It was not fine.

I finally broke down. Yes, I had a break down. A mental break down. I went to the hospital.
I was 46 years old and having a melt down. I had no one to help me and no one to turn to.
I was in the hospital. Then out. Then back in. Then out. Then back in for a third time.
Please someone help me. I was on short term disability leave from my job. ( I was also
having a surgery on my kidney). I was all alone. I was in the hospital on my 47th birthday,
how sad.

The day after I got out of the hospital I was lucky to be able to see a psychiatrist right
away so that I could start to get some kind of help. What do I have. How do I fix it.
What is going on. I was prescribed some medications to help me along the way.

I returned to work after my short term disability leave, which, by the way, was
FIVE months. I returned to work a different person. I did not have the drive that I once
had. I did not have the mind that I once had. I did not have the will to succeed.
I was driving on cruise control, but driving very slowly. I worked, but my work was not
up to par. I just did the best I could at work while I was trying to recover from my illness.
But my best was just not good enough.

Two years, almost to the day of my breakdown, I was layed off from my job
due to the poor economy. They called it "workforce reduction".
A job of 24 years went crashing down into the ground. 24 years of the hardest work
I had ever done. Loyalty, honesty, reliability, that was me. Working through breaks and
working through lunch hours and coming in early and staying late and working on weekends.
I was the hardest worker ever. What had become of me. I lost my home ( my job) and my
family ( my wonderful co-workers). I felt like I had just been kicked out of my home and
lost my family. I had put "all my eggs in one basket", and that was my job and my co-workers.
Now my basket was empty.

That was almost three years ago. Seems like yesterday. I am still not over it and I still
think about it every day. I don't have panic attacks anymore. I don't go to the Emergency
Room any longer. I don't go to the hospital. I have been taking medications for anxiety,
depression and mood disorder since 2007. I have been existing on the drugs, but not moving
forward because I have not been changing my behavior along with taking the medications.
I have exhausted all of my savings account money, the money in my retirement account
is spent, I have just received my last unemployment benefits check this week, and
my severance pay is long gone. To top it off, my health insurance expires tomorrow.

Well, did I ever think my life would take such a turn as this, NEVER.
I still cannot believe it. I still cannot believe it happened and I still cannot
believe it happened TO ME. I am exausted by writing this.
This is my story.

Lynda Lu