Stress Center Peer Support

Hi,

I'd like to write about this issue, which has caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety to me in addition to my OCD and anxiety thoughts.

We stayed 9 months last year with my mother in law and she was really rude to me constantly and she told me that I'm bad for my man and I bring the worst out of him. Thank goodness she lives now 8500km away! My partner has tried to tell her that she's done a really bad thing, but she won't take it. My partner's spoken to her, but she just manipulated my partner/her son to get to see him by letting him understand she'd do something to smooth things with me. Instead as soon as she got what she wanted, she stabbed me again by saying she meant everything she said. My partner got so mad he wasn't in any contact for months as he hadn't been before that either. He wrote a letter to her when the talks didn't help and then he spoke to her a couple of days ago and all she had to say was that she feels she hasn't done anything wrong because everything she said to me (which was a lot of very hurtful things) was true. She doesn't want to apologise but she said to say via my man that she's sorry things didn't work out with us just as if she'd get another chance next time we go to my partner's home country. Obviously things did not work out, but they are not working out now and will not. She's also been told that sorrys don't go via other people but directly to the person. She didn't want to talk about the contents of the letter.

My man and I decided that he will tell her clearly that if she continues that behaviour he won't have very much contact with her and that he can't have a normal relationship with her. He's already tried to say that. Obviously I don't have anything to do with her anymore at all and when we within a couple of years will start a family I will keep my children from her hurting them. She's been so many times so hurtful to me. It's like Lucinda says on the tapes about that man who didn't like his boss but invited him for dinner to his home and Lucinda cites the man "You make me miserable at work. Why don't you come to my home and make my family miserable too".

Before the children though we're getting married next year and my whole family knows everything she's done and my partner's father and step mother know and I wonder how she will be able to keep a straight face and come to the wedding. It won't be nice for me that she'll be there though.

Oh, and I'm not the only one who she's done this to. My partner's sister's husband has got exactly the same treatment so it's about the mother in law. She also "forgets" so quickly that she's said anything. She actually claimed to my partner she's never said these things to the sister's husband when he's said she has and I know she has. I've heard how she talks awfully about him and he's just a normal person.

Anyway, I know this woman is miserable and has a huge problem and her own children don't see her much so I kind of feel sad for her and hope that some day (which probably won't happen since she's had her problems for 40 years and is not interested in working on it) she'd see what she's doing, apologise her own family and change her behaviours towards her family. Whatever happens I'm not going to let her do it again ever and I'm not going to be put in a situation where she has a chance to.

This thing causes so much unnecessary anxiety and OCD to me that it's ridiculous as I certainly don't need any more of it to my day.

Any comments would be nice. Thank you all here on the board.

Hi,

The book, "Boundaries" by Dr.'s Henry Cloud and Townsend was really good for me in dealing with my in-law's and even family of origin that are horribly abusive. To make matters worse, my father in law is prominent Baptist preacher, and he and my BIL and MIL just this week told us that we were condemned to death by Jesus because we are implementing boundaries in our relationship with them. So, my husband and I have to deal with that too, and the book, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" really helps me to deal with that aspect. It may help you in your situation too even though it's not the same. It helps you spot manipulation and protect yourself appropriately.

First of all, my counselor told me yesterday when I was upset over the recent altercation that "honest communication doesn't work with dysfunctional people." My husband and I typed up an e-mail responding to my brother in law stating how severe our son's autism is and all we have to deal with and why we have to limit contact with them, but my BIL ignored our points of view and condemned us to death! So, he's being irrational, and our attempts to be rational with him won't work. Like you said, you tried to be honest and work things out, but no matter what you say, your mother in law is dysfunctional and that's not your fault. Please quit thinking that it's you or that you need to say it the right way, etc. I'm not trying to scare you, but the last time we had to live my in-laws we were in a horrible place. My son was two, and something was wrong with him, and my mother's intuition was screaming to me something was wrong. I coped with it by becoming extremely OCD regarding his protection from germs, etc. My in-law's were highly offended by my OCD and called me crazy. Within a month after leaving them, and we ended up being homeless for a month to get away from them, my son was diagnosed with autism. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with your children, but I am saying that usually our OCD has a purpose-not usually physical protection but most certainly emotional protection. It's a way to protect ourselves and have control when we feel out of control when we don't have healthy coping skills. When I was OCD, I was just sure I was crazy and that my judgment couldn't be trusted. In my case, my OCD was actually a sign that I was very sane but was being invalidated for my sanity regarding my son's health, and it was just a signal that my son needed help. Don't be afraid of OCD because it's just a sign that you need to learn better coping skills to deal with emotional stress.

Secondly, you are the one that has to deal with her, so please don't get trapped by needing others to believe you. I often get trapped by that. Especially at first because my father in law is so prominent and well respected by his church and the community. I worried about what people would think of me. Well, right now, my FIL's church thinks that my husband and I who are raising our severely autistic child are "backslidden" and victimizing our in-law's by having limited contact. We made the decision to eliminate contact after we felt that our mental health was at stake because we couldn't deal with them and take care of our son at the same time. They want absolute power, and anything less is offensive to them. They want my husband to abandon me and our sick child and make them the priority in his life in the name of "honoring" them. They even had a deacon in their church come up to my husband's work five times. We live five hours away, but he had business in this area, so he said. Listen, that's crazy. That's crazy, yet an entire church is willing to believe that they are acting in my FIL's best interest and go along with that stalking behavior. So, just because others may not believe you at times doesn't mean that you are in the wrong. Your judgment is good. I know it's nice to come on here and get validation, but even if you don't, just know that you can trust yourself. You are right to protect yourself and set boundaries with this toxic person.

I really think the book "Boundaries" will help you know how to deal with this situation and protect yourself, your marriage, and your children.

Take care,
luvpiggy

Hi luvpiggy,

Thank you for your reply.

I had a quick for look for the books you recommended, but they're not available here. I might need to order from somewhere else.

I've noticed indeed that honest communication doesn't work with my mother in law. I tried it and she did all the things again. Thank you for saying that my mother in law is dysfunctional because that's what I think, but it doesn't feel good when she is what she is towards me.

Regarding the living with her, we left after she was extremely rude to me. We stayed 9 months, but we were meant to stay 11. I've said that I will never stay at her house again. I won't even visit her. My partner's sister and her husband tried to stay with her as well some years earlier and they stayed about 2 months before they had enough and left as well. They said it was unbearable. My mental health was certainly badly at stake when we stayed with her.

I'm very sorry to hear about your son's autism. It sounds you certainly have enough to deal with even without your in laws. We don't have children yet, but we will within a couple of years.

I want to thank you for sharing your experiences and thank you very much for your encouragement. I very much appreciate everything you said.