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Posted: Fri Dec 25, 2009 10:39 am
by pearpickinporky
I've been through the program, several times infact, but my expectations are still my main cause of depression.
Is it really possible to achieve your dreams or for average joe are we just setting ourselves up for failure? It may be more acceptable if we didn't run into others living our dreams every day of our lives.
Say for instance a partner that looks like Jessica Alba, or a good job, or a nice home, having vacations 2-3 times per year.
Sure you can just accept this is the way life is, but running into if every day in life makes it very hard.
I work with a guy for example, Has a gorgeous wife yet he is no oil painting, he is in the same job as me right enough, but yet owns 2 not 1 home, where as I rent and could never afford my own home, he has at least 3 foreign holidays a year where as I never have had 1 and they are luxurious holidays to such places as Egypt, China, Thailand etc,
Thats just a couple of examples. I maybe just be observing wrong but it seems the rest of the world is living the dream apart from me.
Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 6:05 am
by Guest
I used to never struggle with stuff like this but, lately, as I struggle with a setback, I find myself doing this very same thing. I watch people bustling about on vacations, buying things, or just simply driving down the freeway and I find myself envying them. Not a healthy habit at all. Immediately I am overcome with a feeling of sadness... why can't I have these simple things? What have I done or not done to deserve them? Why me, God, why me?? Sheesh, who wouldn't get sad? And, you know what I hate about it the most? It makes me feel like a helpless victim. I HATE feeling like a victim! Sure we couldn't help getting an anxiety disorder but we sure can help how we deal with it! Do you respect a chronic victim? Does anyone?
Comparing ourselves, no matter what aspect, is putting ourselves on thin ice. It's okay and even healthy to look at someone who is further along than we are and to ask "what's your secret?" "What are you doing that I might do for myself?" That is healthy. NOT "Why are you so much better than me? What is so wrong with me?" NOT healthy. It's all about intent and attitude. I don't recommend doing this often but try looking at some REALLY unfortunate or ill people. You've got a place to live unlike the millions of homeless... you've got a job, unlike the millions of jobless right now. There are SO many people out there right now that would give their right arm to have what you have.
I give thanks to God several times a day for every little thing I can think of. It helps keep things in perspective.
Try to nip this nasty little thinking habit in the bud. Its only going to take you someplace dark and unhappy.
Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 6:56 am
by Guest
Pear,
Stop! You're fighting a battle that has no end. Let's say you got what you wanted right now. I can assure you that you'd want something else the following week. Learn to be thankful for what you have. For example, you could have been born in a third-world country with no hope of an education, health care, car, etc. I would encourage you right now to write all the things in your life you're thankful for. I have traveled damn near a third of this world, and I can tell you with certainty that your quality of life (e.g., creature comforts and opportunities) is not bad.
Let me throw this one out at you. Let's say tomorrow you married Jessica Alba. The following week she was in a car accident and became a quadriplegic and sustained third degree burns over half her body. Would you have the same fascination for her? Would you be willing to spend the rest of your life caring for her? I bet not.
Happiness starts from within. Once you get that down, it permeates itself to all aspects of your life.
Woodbridge
Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 9:57 pm
by Guest
Originally posted by Hot Rod:
I used to never struggle with stuff like this but, lately, as I struggle with a setback, I find myself doing this very same thing. I watch people bustling about on vacations, buying things, or just simply driving down the freeway and I find myself envying them. Not a healthy habit at all. Immediately I am overcome with a feeling of sadness... why can't I have these simple things? What have I done or not done to deserve them? Why me, God, why me?? Sheesh, who wouldn't get sad? And, you know what I hate about it the most? It makes me feel like a helpless victim. I HATE feeling like a victim! Sure we couldn't help getting an anxiety disorder but we sure can help how we deal with it! Do you respect a chronic victim? Does anyone?
Comparing ourselves, no matter what aspect, is putting ourselves on thin ice. It's okay and even healthy to look at someone who is further along than we are and to ask "what's your secret?" "What are you doing that I might do for myself?" That is healthy. NOT "Why are you so much better than me? What is so wrong with me?" NOT healthy. It's all about intent and attitude. I don't recommend doing this often but try looking at some REALLY unfortunate or ill people. You've got a place to live unlike the millions of homeless... you've got a job, unlike the millions of jobless right now. There are SO many people out there right now that would give their right arm to have what you have.
I give thanks to God several times a day for every little thing I can think of. It helps keep things in perspective.
Try to nip this nasty little thinking habit in the bud. Its only going to take you someplace dark and unhappy.
Sure there are always going to be people worse off than me. There are children in Africa living in mud huts drinking dirty water, the problem is you generally don't meet these people in every day life, When you look around in life at your neighbours/friends etc and they are all living the dream, it makes you feel low and worthless.
There was a study released here in the UK at the start of December, and it said the cases of anxiety and depression have rose steadily since the 1960's in line with the gap widing between rich and poor in the country, so there must be some truth in what I say.
Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:36 am
by Guest
Hi Pearpickingporky.
I know people that has and are doing all of the stuff you're talking about, but are secretly STRUGGLING to keep it! I mean secretly stressed out!
I know someone with an absolutely GORGEOUS wife, and he can't stand her! But when they go out, they act like they have the perfect marriage.
Be grateful for what you have, and pray for whaever else that you want. God knows your heart and wants you to be happy.
Make a gratitude journal and write in it daily. Write what you're grateful for. This will make you see how blessed you are.
Are you friends with the guy you're talking about? If so, ask him what he's doing. (don't think it'll insult him, it won't. He'll be flattered that you asked!)
Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 5:25 am
by Guest
Pear,
Not for one second am I trying to say that there is no truth to what you say... The study doesn't surprise me at all. And, yes, there are kids in Africa starving to death.
One thing I have learned in life, is that NO ONE, no matter how affluent, happy, and put togehter they may appear on the surface is completely happy. It's part of the human condition. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has something lurking in their closet. If it isn't them personally it is their alcoholic mother, aunt, uncle. It is the illness that if it hasn't already struck, will.
Again, I guess what I was trying to say is: comparing ourselves to what we think is all these happy people and what we perceive they have is dangerous. How do we KNOW they are the perfect people they appear to be? Chances are, they are not. But, here we have gone and made ourselves unhappy by comparing ourselves to a fantasy we created about them. How silly is that? It just makes us unhappy... Why not focus on the blessings we do have, find some gratitude and satisfaction with that instead of being unhappy?
It's a choice, I guess.
Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 7:54 pm
by Guest
Originally posted by Hot Rod:
Pear,
Not for one second am I trying to say that there is no truth to what you say... The study doesn't surprise me at all. And, yes, there are kids in Africa starving to death.
One thing I have learned in life, is that NO ONE, no matter how affluent, happy, and put togehter they may appear on the surface is completely happy. It's part of the human condition. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has something lurking in their closet. If it isn't them personally it is their alcoholic mother, aunt, uncle. It is the illness that if it hasn't already struck, will.
Again, I guess what I was trying to say is: comparing ourselves to what we think is all these happy people and what we perceive they have is dangerous. How do we KNOW they are the perfect people they appear to be? Chances are, they are not. But, here we have gone and made ourselves unhappy by comparing ourselves to a fantasy we created about them. How silly is that? It just makes us unhappy... Why not focus on the blessings we do have, find some gratitude and satisfaction with that instead of being unhappy?
It's a choice, I guess.
That makes sence you know, I think its just in our nature to focus on the negatives and totally block out any blessings we do have and take them for granted.
I may have mentioned this before, I have an old aunt, I used to stay with her during the summers in my childhood, she lived in an old wreck of a house with a tin roof which often leaked when it rained, she didn't own a TV or anything and lived of what grew around her small farm, she had very little money yet I went and stayed with her every summer for the reason being her attitude, she has nothing yet she is grateful for all the small things she does have in life and she really does enjoy life to the fullest.
Sadly I saw her over christmas at my parents, she doesn't seem to have the same zest for life anymore, she is quiet, just sat in the corner not bothering with anyone, maybe its all just caught up on her, I don't know her reasons, but certainly staying with her over them summers in my teens is the one thing that will stand out when I look back at my childhood.
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 6:24 am
by Guest
So funny you mentioned your elderly aunt. My Granny is 95 and I have alot of the same wonderful memories of visiting her as a child and teen. She lived through the depression and, still to this day, will wash tin foil and saran wrap. She will also hoard the plastic wrapped dinner ware you get with fast food! I never understood that until my mom explained to me just how little they had. And, just like your Aunt, she always had the best attitude.
I struggle seeing her. She is OLD and her mind is just not the same. She just exists day to day. I keep having to remind myself that she is just pretty darn old and tired and this is a natural process. But, sometimes I wonder: the family all stands around and kind of murmurs, "Oh, poor thing. Her mind is just gone" Well, I can't help but wonder, just maybe she is in a better place than any of us. Just maybe God is rewarding her long years of life with putting her "poor mind" in a place with no worry, fear, and dread.
I absolutely dread that day that she will pass away. It's kind of my top phobia... the funeral. Whew, that really makes me feel dysfunctional!
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 9:47 am
by Guest
DeeDee is right. Usually, the people with a ton of unimportant "stuff" has all their credit cards maxed out. If the guy you work with lost his job, I think that it would be a safe bet to say that he would lose it all. I know people like that. I'm in a business where we used to work 55 to 60 hours a week. Some of us were smart and put some $$$ away while others felt it was more important to have the big house(s), the fancy cars and boats and etc etc. Don't be fooled by the cover. Read what's inside the book instead. You'll find page after page of debt. Guaranteed.
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 11:55 am
by Guest
Hi. I haven't posted much lately. but I can see that I'm in the same boat with a few of you. I've done lessons 1-4 and working on 8. so I'm kinda slow for as long as had program but I've been trying to go over the things I need to work on.
anyhow I can see I too often compare myself to others, or what I think others are. its like you are saying, we don't know what problems those people that everything seems to be going right for have.
when I get pa's like today, I really get down on myself, thinking I should have learned by now after 1 1/2yrs of this stuff how to deal with it. then I get to disliking myself for being weak which leads me to go further into the attack. I know part of it is about our faith, but also we really get down on ourselves.
anybody have any suggestions how we get to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves. I guess I'm not very patient either because I'd like to be over this and be able to just sit back and relax.
I guess I really could study more on the expectations huh? we expect more of ourselves than we expect of others don't we?
I know I'm richly blessed and know God is taking care of me. I just don't like me for not being able to control this stuff and not have it. our society is so performance oriented too.
what do ya'll think? how can we love ourselves more and be kind to ourselves...patient?