Stress Center Peer Support

Hi there,

I haven't been on these boards in quite awhile but I have gone through the program and contribute my almost full recovery to it! That being said, I still deal with anxiety every once in awhile and recently have been thrown back into a bit of a spell. I really don't know what to do about my situation. Here it is:

I have been married for 1 year and been with my DH for 6. My MIL lives half way across the country: that's the good part. The not so good part? Since we bought a home last spring she has come to visit three times. She doesn't have any family around back at home and when she comes to visit she always comes for two weeks (which I find exceedingly long...especially because she never checks with us to see if this is ok...it is our home afterall!). If she was a sweet person I don't think I'd mind too much but she has never taken any interest in me, often ignores me and despite bending over backwards for her get nothing in return (I know, I have the classic anxiety ridden disease to please!). After her last visit (she left yesterday) my DH told me that she mentioned that she will likely be coming back this summer. My stomach totally dropped since I know it will be for yet another two weeks. I also fear that now that we have a house she is going to be visiting regularly. I told my DH that two weeks is too long and his response was, "I don't feel comfortable telling her she can't come here for two weeks at a time...and she's all by herself so we should help her out." If we have kids eventually (a likely scenario) then what is going to happen? She made an off handed comment about moving in with us and raising our children which almost made me throw up!

My DH is often homesick and feels guilty that he is not home to take care of his mom so often sides with her. He is very passive so I know for a fact that he won't say anything to her. Someone told me that I should talk to her directly but seeing as she is less than pleasant with me I don't want to start a conflict (or give her more fuel to not like me). What should I do?? All this anxiety cannot be good for me.

I have problems with my in-laws and can sympathize with you.

Fortunately, it seems like your MIL isn't completely unbearable or crazy. She just overstays her welcome. You and your husband need to set a boundary with her. She's stayed two weeks at a time without contention, so she seems to think that that amount of time is appropriate. My parents used to host people for weeks at a time (often displacing me and my siblings), so I also understand the culture of hospitability. There's no guilt in making a decision that you'd like her to shorten her stay when she visits, or at least shorten the time she spends at your home.Your husband needs to be on board with this. Surely, your MIL has some friends or extended family in the area that she can stay with for a part of the time. I hope it doesn't sound callous, but your health comes first. She might feel miffed by your request that she shorten her visits, but continue being friendly to her and her complaints will be without merit.

This will be a problem when you have kids, if you don't set the boundaries right away. She suggests that she move in to help out and you can respond with something like "I'd love your help occassionally, but we really want to learn to parent on our own."

couturesugar, thank you for your insight.

You're right, it could be worse (at least she doesn't nag me constantly, or tell me that I do everything wrong, etc.) but it still isn't very fun to be around someone who takes zero interest in you. I think being a super sensitive person I am probably affected by it more than the average person.

The unfortunate part is that she doesn't have any other family that lives in our city. When my DH moved here he knew no one so as of now there is only my family here. We also have two bunnies in our home and because DH's mom has allergies we have to find homes for them (a HUGE job to remove their pens, litters, etc.) and I can't imagine doing this every three months.

Hi Chantel--Well, you really have it pretty good compared to what I went through when I was first married. We moved in with DH's family! Yep, and everytime DH & I would leave, his father would stop us by telling us a story.

This really wasn't what I was expecting being a newlywed in every which way. Eventually we moved out only because my parents saw how we were living and they helped us to buy a house.

Then when we left the city they lived in after several years, a three day visit was enough for me. This was about the time limit for the politeness to wear off and my upbringing was very different than my husband's, so it was hard.

I think maybe a week is enough or 2 weeks every 6 months or more. I know how hard this can be.

Howdy,

I'm lucky, my inlaws live only 90 miles away but they also have 2 other kids they can stay with. My family on the other hand is 900 miles away so when they come they dont have others around. But my Dad has a saying and in a way it fits here, "after three days even fish start smelling bad." I say tell you hubby that you enjoy having his mom around BUT for that long of a period is getting very stressful on you and causing your anxiety to come back. Then suggest that if she wishes to stay longer that she gets a hotel room OR if he has a problem with that, tell him after 3 days you are going to get a hotel room! The leave it up to him

I am right there with you. My situation differs a little. A few things in short that I have learned:
1) You don't "owe" his mother anything, stop trying to please someone who may not be able to give you back what you need in return. By that I mean that there will always be some who like us and some who don't...out of those who don't there will always be those that just aren't capable of giving us what we "need"...whether it is acceptance, love or whatever, it is something they don't have to give in the way we need it.

2) when a man and woman get married and man "leaves" his mother and father. With that being said, it doesn't mean they aren't a part of their parents lives anymore, but your guys' family together should be number one. You both should try to sit down and find something that is comfortable for both of you when his mom comes to visit...

3) be strong for eachother and things will work out.

I put myself through agony for six years with my husband family an in the end it wasn't worth it. We have some serious boundaries at this point and we will keep them as long as necessary. I will never be walked all over like that again. It causes way too much stress and anxiety that just isn't worth it!

Good luck an I hope you can work everything out!