Stress Center Peer Support

My anxiety started with pretty much a breakdown in April 2005. 3 days of pure non stop panic with no sleeping or eating. Anyway doctor stopped all caffeine and put me on clonidine 0.1mg for 1 month for caffeine withdrawals. A sleeping pill for a month and ativan 0.5mg BID for about 1 year which barely just kept me at a mild level anxiety all the time. My marriage fell apart but my husband never new it. In fact I am pretty sure my reactions to my miserable marriage caused my anxiety. In december of that same year I got in touch with my ex-boyfriend and we had a 2 week affair with sex twice. Anyway I had a total breakdown one night at home and told my husband I had to leave him and that I was miserable. We yelled and screamed and talked and he said he knew I was leaving and at least I didn't have an affair. I said I had, when I saw the look in his eyes my heart broke and I lied. I said we didn't have sex we just talked and kissed. Anyway we worked everything out and have had a very loving and great marriage for about 3 years. My husband recently lost his job and is home more. I am dying inside because of this guilt. I hate lying to him. I have been told that telling him only is selfish and relieves my guilt. That I have to keep this inside. That since I have asked God for forgiveness and have truly repented that I have done all I need to do.
My anxiety started again last week. All I can think about is the lies. My mom tells me that if I tell him he will leave me and my anxiety will be worse than it is now. I just don't know where to turn. Should I tell him? Should I go to my counselor and get his advice? Go to the Family Minister at Church and get his advice?

I want him to know. I love him and would never do that again and it has been 5 years and I want the guilt off my chest. I was a horrible person to do that. My marriage has gotten shaky again since I had to go back to work and my husband is staying home now. I don't want to make his life harder. Should I wait until he gets back on his feet with a job? why kick him while he is down? or should I not tell him at all.
I have prn ativan for anxiety and I have started taking them BID again. I go to the primary care doctor tomorrow. I hate to get on meds just to mask the shame. I have to function for work though. UGH!!! Any good advice will be appreciated.

Hi,

I'm with your mom. A 2 week affair years ago does not seem to me something to bring up now when your husband is having a difficult time.

Can you try and analyze what might have triggered the return of your anxiety? Somehow I rather doubt it is the short affair of so long ago.

I am reallyn ot sure. I just started getting really depressed last Sunday and started feeling really panicky like I needed to tell him. Then I was fine all week. Then we went out this Friday night and I got depressed again and started thinking am I really heppy, do I really love this guy? Which honestly I do. I don't know what is making me feel that way. I don't know if its the weather change or the holiday season but I am miserably anxious and depressed. For some reason I feel like if I get that off my chest it will all go away. Only thing is- I know that the affair was not started the anxiety in the first place. It was me grasping at straws because of the anxiety. I guess I need to start working the program again. Also my best friends mom just had a major surgery for her ongoing cancer and she is in the ICU. She had the surgery last Wednesday. I just want the dang anxiety to go away. I only have to work two days this week and I am not sure I can make it. I am literally taking it one minute at a time. Pray for me!!!

Hi, shello. You do love him, very good. Hold onto that. The anxiety probably comes from within you, I'd say, little to do with him or a brief affair a long time ago, or surgery of someone else. The holidays, well, yes, they can cause anxiety.

You may want to start the program again, focus on it and yourself, and all that is good and positive in your life.