Stress Center Peer Support

Does anyone get anxiety or obsessive scary thoughts about their significant other's comfort w/ befriending the opposite sex. My boyfriend is super social and we work together so I get to see more of him than the average person. In my heart I really trust him but my mind takes me on terrible trips that I have the hardest time getting rid of.

I've finally come to see my outer beauty after so many years of not being able to despite the extremely positive reaction I've always gotten from ppl about my looks. But because of my social anxiety disorder, I realize how little beauty really means. Personality has beauty beat and I'm so convinced that my boyfriend is going to lose interest in me for not being as interesting as the girls he befriends at work or other places. Girls that are as social as him.

Many are married but so many ppl in this world don't care enough about their marriages so they cheat. So that fact doesn't stop my worries. I work in a huge 10 floor bldg so there are many women. We are also smokers so the smoke break is where he meets many of them and the relationship builds from there. If he goes to smoke w/o me my mind envisions him sneaking off to some dark corner of the parking garage, (where the smoking area is) to engage in sexual acts.

If that isn't bothering me, it's me and him and another woman more social than me, well almost everyone is more social than me, or sometimes a group (5-6 ppl) smoking a cigarette but me feeling like a third wheel w/ my own boyfriend. I'm big on eye contact and so many ppl only make contact w/ him and that bothers me terribly. Makes me feel left out. Then I get anxious so I can't possibly think about some way to get more involved in the conversation. But since I don't say much, I can't expect them to make eye contact w/ me unless they are good conversationalist who know how to share their eye contact w/ the whole group when talking, right? So I find myself spending the smoke break lookin for how much eye contact these women make w/ me versus him.

So anyway, I start feeling bad b/c I'm not social enough and I fear that I bore him. He's been totally supportive of my condition and he tries to reassure me that he loves me and that he's just being his social self and at the end of the day he doesn't care about those ppl that way. They are just coworkers. But then my inner rebuttle is that he may not leave me for any of these women, but that he'll just leave me for not being interesting enough since he's exposed to so many interesting women.

And the thing is, I could totally like this female until she becomes friends w/ my boyfriend. Now she's a threat. Especially if they share something in common that him and i don't like riding motorcycles. Now she's suddenly become something I'm not. On top of already being able to conjure interesting conversation and sometimes even a little playfulness.

Maybe it boils down to distrust but b/c if i trusted him, none of these issues would matter. But our relationship is a secret at work so that doesn't help any. But I think after a year of dating it's finally pretty obvious.

Anyway, I just hate the terrible thoughts I have and jealousy and fear when he isn't doing anything wrong that I know of. But I get stuck in these thoughts and they make me depressed at work and annoyed w/ him. I feel like I should be able to be comfortable w/ my boyfriend having genuine female friends and be ok w/ it. All of my scary thoughts revolve around my relationship w/ him. If I broke it off I know they'd go away. But they'd be the same w/ another guy. So right now, being single is the only immediate answer to freeing myself from this. Any insight or suggestions?

I hope I dont come across are rude or to blunt, if so, that is NOT my intention...First of all, you say he is supportive of your condition and reassures you. Sounds to me like he does love you and only you. You said yourself, he is a social person and youre not. Maybe once you get over this condition you will be more secure with yourself and if he leaves, so be it. My motto to all of my single friends or friends with boyfriends is "If another woman can take him, you didnt need him" same goes for you my friend. I have been with my husband for over 15 years and I have learned to "like" the things he likes, or at least pretend to some things I thought I hated are actually fun.
Before you toss your relationship sit him down and REALLY let him know how much this bothers you. Ask him to at least tell the women who obviously flirt with him that he is involved with someone, he doesnt have to say who...
Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Thank you Godblessme. I really appreciate your comment and your candidness. You're absolutely right and I've told myself the same thing when I'm trying to get these thoughts out of my head. But it is the hardest thing for me to do. Breaking up w/ him would be nothing more than running from my fears which is what I'm NOT supposed to be doing and I do love him very much. I don't want to break up w/ him I just want the thoughts and feelings to go away. It's an easy way out. And anytime I've brought up breaking up, he'd change the subject or find a way to avoid the topic. That idea is foolishness to him. So I know he doesn't want to leave. I've told him about all my thoughts in detail. It agitates him a little that I'd think such things of him and b/c of that he could have been long gone. But like u said, if he leaves I didn't need him anyway. Additionally, I'd move on and be just fine like i have been w/ every other break up.

And I have been trying to brush up on my knowledge of things he likes. There is nothing he does that I don't like, I am just so stuck in my head that I don't know what's going on around me. I've always wanted to ride motorcycles but have never had the opportunity nor have I taken the time to research them. So this girl comes along and she rides and they talk about riding and bikes and cars and specs and I felt threatened by that.

But I decided I'd start to learn more so I can fix that problem. And the both of us checked out some bikes on the web the other day. And, actually, to correct myself, I am social in the right environment but my social anxiety makes it terribly uncomfortable for me. So thru the program I'm working on that too. I'm feeling 10x's better than I felt the day I posted that message and I was so happy to see a response today. So thank you again. You've been a big help.

I do the exact same thing, my boyfriend and I work for the same company and I am always thinking he will meet someone more interesting, more fun, less anxious, etc. I'm sorry you have similar thoughts, I know how completely consuming they can be.

Thanks for sharing Angi!! It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. I've decided to put down my wall of skepticism about him and accept that he is with me b/c he likes me the way I am and has done nothing but show me how much he truly loves me. One great example is that when I gave him a copy of the page in our guidebook from session 2 titled "Partner's Guidelines," he made sure to keep it in his pocket everyday so he'd always have it w/ him in case I was freaking out. That's love. So my worries really are nothing more than irrational obsessive thinking. I even wrote down for myself a page of thoughts about the cause of my skepticism, why I don't need it anymore, letting go of it, and how wonderful my boyfriend is. I'll be reading daily. So I know we both can get a handle on this. Stay positive!
BH

...thank you...that's a great idea.