Stress Center Peer Support

All,

I hope everyone here is working hard towards a recovery. I feel bad that I have not visited in awhile, but part of my recovery was to stop reading about the down's at one point while I was feeling relieved, revived, and not suffering from panic attacks. I have never forgotten how these forums have helped.

So that brings us to today and I hope I don't bore anyone, but I have been going out of my mind.

I recently found out (accidentally) that my wife is speaking with an old boyfriend. I had to be sure and I did research and proved who it was. When I confronted her she tried to lie, but I knew to much, she was sunk.

I felt we spoke, got a lot open, but I didn't trust, so I kept looking, even accessing her e-mail to find that there were innocent communications (though very few) from the end of 2009.

This brings me to today. My wife and I are happily married for 10 1/2 years. (So I believe). We have pretty much been together since we were 19, with about a 4 or 5 month break in 1998.

The "friend" who is male has always been in her life. When we first began speaking as friends and I guess b/f and g/f she once told me she would call me back because "friend" was on the other line. Since then I have not been the same. I am jealous in nature and tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve as my wife says.

It should be known that I once thought she had her first experiences with this "friend" which I felt was a connection I did not want her to have. During this recent tough time she told me it wasn't true. She never told anyone it wasn't actually him, she just went with it because he was older and her friends had always assumed. (Connection gone - feelings the same)???

After several confrontations, I think I have all the information. They have been speaking for over a year online, basically he is depressed and lonely and she just listens, offers support, etc.

I will admit, I have reacted harshly to this discovery. There has been feelings of betrayal, resentment, anger, hurt, and fear. I love my wife with all my heart and I never want to lose her.

During our split in '98 she went to see "friend" and they spent the weekend together and had sex. She said she always wondered......wondered if because they spoke they were meant to be, that there was something more. She is thankful for the experience as a whole...thinking he was the one, having that experience......the time together and then disappointment when he told her if she moved near him they would date, not just be a couple and move in together. She was stunned. She says she has no questions now, that he is just a friend. She realized before she said yes to me that she was running. She was running to the unknown, thinking it had to be right.

During these recent struggles we wrote each other letters and I so want to believe her. She says that "friend" is not going to ruin our marriage, he is not worth it. She was going to cut him off, but she also said if she un-friended him he would e-mail and inquire. "Friend" never liked me, thought my priorities were a little messed up and they may have been 15 yrs ago....., but my wife and I dated again before she finally committed to me in late '98. We were engaged in Apr. '99 and have never looked back. She had not heard from him (as far as I know) since 1998 when he came here to see family and they were suppose to meet up. Her and I went to the mall so she would not be home. (A little cowardly, but it was it is).

She told him last year (or whenever) that she could not tell me about him and he freaked. Thinks I need to get over it and so do a few other friends I have spoken too.

Ironically, I have female friends who are ex's as well, on FB, on IM, etc, and never give it a second thought. They are just friends to me. My wife believes me and is fine with it.

How do I become fine with her friend? I don't care that he doesn't like me, but how do I accept it so I don't ruin my marriage?

The anxiousness from this is killing me, till this week I had not taken a Xanax in almost a year.

There is probably so much more to tell, I just don't know where it all goes....in the letter my wife wrote me, she said she is who she is today because of me. She loves me, our life, and our children. She says she is never leaving, even when I threatened to walk out over this time and time again, she told me she loved me and told me to stay. I know I over reacted, but I needed impact. (It could have back fired, she said so herself, if she truly wanted to leave I gave her 3 outs!!)

Finally, in her letter, she apologized for breaking my trust, she never meant to hurt me, but she was trying to be a friend and knew that I would freak out last year. She says she did it for me, for us. I know she is right, I would have.

I told her I forgive her and I am staying, now, how do I get past the anxiety and doubt?

Wow, you are going through a tough time right now. I guess you need to put your trust in what she says and that you have been married for a long time. Maybe both of you will have to strictly be not friends with old "lovers", period. You have to both shun the past and cleave to eachother, until you feel that you can be "just friends". Even Dr Phil will not be on Dancing With The Stars, because contact w/ the opposite sex is just to tempting, any which way.

That's how movie stars end up with problems as well. There is just too much temptation and reality shows making things that are wrong, right.

Your anxiety will go away as you both "cleave" to eachother in deed and in heart, mind, and soul. Avoid even the appearances of evil. Meaning do not even ride in the same vehicle as the opposite sex. I know, you are probably thinking that's crazy, but that is just what you and your wife are going to have to do to build up trust. It is that serious.

Now I can't resist coming on as the old timer (shrew, I think) that I am. I believe things have gone nuts in this world all in the guise of better, more genuine, more passionate, more expressive, more self realized, blah, blah. Does anyone care about anything or anyone other than themself? Children? They definitely come last.

I express this position with some trepidation. But I can say I am thankful I am not of these times, but am of older times gnarled with the punches and imperfections of life, to celebrate my 50th anniversary in 2011.

Happy 2011.

Way to go, Tina! Congratulations on 50 years! I'm over 30 years or so. Yes, living in the world these days are just not the same as when my parents were beginning, they made it to 63 years.

There is definitely too much distraction, every which way you turn. I think the saddest thing is when friends are together and their cell phones keep ringing to let them know they got a message, which is more talk of nonsense. When they should be enjoying the company that they are physically with, their good friends.

I think technology is great, but it can't replace dear friendships. I guess that is the test of this generation is deciding what they value the most and not get caught up in flattery for the moment compared to deep conversation and time with a friend who is there for you.

Paisleegreen,
I agree with you about the technology to a point. The schools are not teaching kids the individuality skills for them to rebound on or even to be able to discern the difference, let alone then for them to know what to do..... They no longer can exist without gadgits. To many act like zombies.

Tina, congrats on the 50 laps around the calander you lionness you.

Engine2 hi,
My wife and I have nearly 34 yrs come spring. The years have every one been different, challenging, tempting, testing, grueling and at times priceless.
You, I hope did not belittle your wife in your quest for knowlege, it appears that her choice is you. Also remember that it is her that you are to be pusueing. Trust comes from within.
No need to answer but how many girls did you arouse while gaining wisdom?
You are both unique and individual spirits and must be allowed to be free. Only then can the choices be made to commit to each other for the good, bad, ugly and even sometimes seemingly cruel aspects for each other.
Ask her if she would be at ease with you going to a girls poker party, there just friends, right? It would make her uncomfortable, as the friendship mentioned eats at you. It sounds as if you had a very good heart to heart disscussion with her.
If your overbearing or envious of the past then it will be a rocky road to travel.
Put the past in the past and keep moving forward and allways remember a relationship will only last when there is TRUST and Truth and constant comunication.
We all make mistakes, that is not the issue. It is how we learn and move on that makes or breaks things.

Love is tough stuff and with good exerciseing it gets stronger and stronger, two working togeather is stronger than three.

It is your choice.

Don't mean to turn this into a "chat" situation, but the verdict of the effects of some aspects of technology is not in (in my view). It will take time. But I, frankly, think some of it can be at the root of stress and anxiety (your good points, Paislee).

Now if you take 30, 34, and 50 you could get many more marriages than a mere 3. In today's world you could get 10 or a merry dozen. Some would say that's much better. Some say open marriage is better. Some say no marriage is better.

Engine2, you are not alone. The institution of marriage is in flux. It was the cover story of a recent Time issue. The key, I believe, is to know ourself and convey ourself (truthfully) to the other party. Mine, for example, knows he'd find himself chained up or with ankle bracelets so I can track him at all times. Marriage can be fun. I'm not only lionness, but am also commando: I'm in charge (ha, ha).

Tina--I guess my thinking on technology, which is great, as my family of origin is a part of building that technology. I think about the commercial where a girl is sitting with her friend in the Mall and her friend is texting others while her friend is physically sitting next to her to talk and visit with. Then the commercial goes to having that friend with the fancy IPhone get her friend one. :p

Now I have my children in the same room as me and their phones are constantly "pinging" a notification of someone messaging them. They are always looking down at their phones and it
interrupts any conversation we are having in the present moment.

I have lived for many years with our business line constantly ringing in our home and later when cell phones became available then there was that constant interuption. Now DH gets text message alerts from DD about business.

I think I prefer to hear an actual conversation, at least I'm part of something.

Anyway, that is sort of what I'm a bit frustrated with. Technology is great, but what is the sacrifice to family interaction or friends that are physically present for you.

And let's not get into the car accidents texting has caused. I really can see how this can be distracting. You really can't keep your eyes on the road. But you can by talking to someone who is with you or by speaker.

I guess it is another discipline that one needs to learn, just like in the "old" days, when we didn't have answering machines. It took some discipline for a "housewife" to ignore the phone when it was ringing. They'll call back if it was important or find a way to reach you in case of an emergency.

Well, this probably should be on another thread. I've been down with a cold and need to leave the technology alone for a little bit longer. Paislee

P.S. I like all the points you guys have been making on the marriage thing.

Paislee, you do a very nice job re specifics on technology. For me it is perhaps more instinctual than factual. My children are grown, none of this existed when they were growing up and I'm thankful for that. Life seemed less complicated. What happens to a person's attention span, thinking, focus, communion with self, with nature, with reading, with silence, if there is a near perpetual need for something, someone else?

Sure don't presume to know any answers. Maybe it is all for the good. Time will tell.

Hope your cold stays behind in 2010 and you and your family and everyone here has a Happy, Healthy 2011.